If further evidence was needed (and it really wasn’t) to support H.L. Mencken’s assertion that “no one ever went broke by underestimating the taste of the American public,” the opening weekend take of $140 million for The Twilight Saga: New Moon is that evidence. The fact that Chris Weitz (who made the wonderful About a Boy and the better-than-its-reputation The Golden Compass) manages to bring some actual style to this second entry in the series might be construed as a plus. Yes, it results in a better made film, but it doesn’t change the fact that the material is dreadful. In fact, it may even make that more obvious. At least Catherine Hardwicke’s direction of Twilight (2008) was as drab as the movie itself, putting the two on an even keel—a very low one, but even.
I’d actually like to believe that Weitz’s approach to the film was to treat it as a bad joke and play up its awfulness in a subversive manner—while collecting a huge paycheck, I’m sure. Perhaps Weitz sees himself here as the Douglas Sirk of teen romance/horror, making fun of the material at hand in the manner Sirk supposedly did with his 1950s soap operas. There’s some evidence to support this. Having Michael Sheen play the big-cheese vampire in the campiest possible tone suggests the possibility, as do the ridiculous movie posters in the theater shown in the film. And then there’s no way I can imagine the Rastafarian vampire (Edi Gathegi) running away from CGI werewolves in fast motion was meant to be taken seriously. (All it needs is “Feet don’t fail me now” on the sound track.)
The problem is that none of this keeps the film from being a tedious morass of emo goo that goes on for 130 seemingly interminable minutes. Even the amusing gay werewolf subtext—with Jake (Taylor Lautner proving that his acting peaked four years ago in The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl) dumping Bella (Kristen Stewart) to be his real werewolf self (“it’s not a lifestyle choice”) by hanging out with a bunch of beefed-up shirtless boys—is only mildly diverting. You’re still left with about 20-minutes worth of story that mostly keeps going by reels and reels of moping from Bella and Edward (Robert Pattinson). To pad this out, the two have more mood swings and changes of heart than the entire cast of Gone With the Wind.
This might work better if either actor had any charisma, or if their attraction to each other made any sense. I guess Bella’s all hot and bothered over Edward because he can walk in “romantic” slow motion whenever he enters a scene. The appeal of this 17-year-old sulk-addict for a guy who’s been around for 109 years is another matter. Perhaps as the hero of Weitz’s About a Boy (2002) claimed of himself, Edward really is that shallow. No matter, the movie assumes we accept their passionate love for each other. But after all, this is a movie that asks us to accept the idea of vampires that sparkle in the sunlight and manage to pass for humans even though covered in white pancake makeup, exhibiting incredible strength and wearing absurdly obvious contact lenses. Oh, yeah, it also exists in a world where no one seems to wonder what this beefy werewolf boy is doing wandering around in a pair of shorts and nothing else in the chilly north woods. (I want to know where he got the shorts after he turned back into human form. Do werewolves have a secret marsupial-like pouch to hold a change of clothing?)
Of course, it matters not one whit what I—or anyone else—has to say about New Moon so far as Twilight fans are concerned. They not only will flock to the damned thing, they’ve already done so and are likely to go for a second dose of prefab swoonery. Complaining about it is futile, but it’s impossible not to wonder how its legions of fans don’t realize how brutally dull and slow it all is—except when it’s unintentionally funny. Then again, you don’t suppose it’s paced this way to allow time for the fans to text each other—“OMG, Edward is so hot”—without losing track of the plot, do you? It could be the latest word in the devolution of movies. Rated PG-13 for some violence and action.
Even most of the Twilight fans I know think this is a piece of crap, although they are still planning on attending multiple screenings to oogle Taylor Lautner’s torso.
And then there’s no way I can imagine the Rastafarian vampire (Edi Gathegi) running away from CGI werewolves in fast motion was meant to be taken seriously.
This sounds like one of those scenes that would be greatly improved by the addition of ‘Yakety Sax’.
i.e. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMlF2PNgN70
I attempted to watch Twilight this morning (only because I was tired of people telling me that I couldn’t hate something without seeing it first). I couldn’t do it. A half-hour of it was all I could stand, and that’s saying something because I rarely turn a movie off in the middle, even the really horrible ones (I even made it through Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, and that’s the worst movie I’ve ever seen). Mr. Hanke, you’re a better man than I. Even if I were being paid, I would have a hard time sitting through crap like this. How do you do it?
What I’m noticing from most reviews I’ve read is that the reviewers don’t appear to have read the books. New Moon stays true to the book…it’s dark and depressing. And the film making is light years better than Twilight. Weitz works with what he had, which is a poorly written book. The chemistry and acting skills of Stewart and Pattinson are next to zero, no surprise there. I thought Lautner actually did a great job with the material. Every girl that I’ve heard talk about the movie has loved it. It’s a book series that’s made for teenage girls, and if they love the movie, who cares if it isn’t the next Oscar winner?
What I’m noticing from most reviews I’ve read is that the reviewers don’t appear to have read the books. New Moon stays true to the book…it’s dark and depressing
Well, that doesn’t exactly encourage me to read the book. Truth is, let’s face it, most reviewers aren’t going to read this book — and they really shouldn’t have to. The movie should be able to stand on its own merits or fail from a lack of them. Realistically — speaking as a working reviewer from the standpoint of a job — if reading the source book for every film that comes out was a requirement for reviewing the film itself, not only would the job never get done, but you’d be getting an hourly wage that a kid in a fireworks factory in Shanghai would turn down — not to mention probably ending up in the hole after buying the book.
And the film making is light years better than Twilight. Weitz works with what he had, which is a poorly written book.
I noted as much. Well, I didn’t say it was the result of a poorly written book, because I haven’t read it, but you get my meaning.
I thought Lautner actually did a great job with the material.
Yes, he takes his shirt off very nicely. Come on, that’s his real raison d’etre here. Every report I’ve had from people seeing this with an audience has noted the hormonal gasp at his torso.
Every girl that I’ve heard talk about the movie has loved it.
And every five-year-old I saw leaving Alvin and the Chipmunks thought it was the bee’s knees.
It’s a book series that’s made for teenage girls, and if they love the movie, who cares if it isn’t the next Oscar winner?
Sidestepping whether or not Oscars are a truly meanigful barometer of quality, this raises the question, does this make the film immune from criticism? And if so, why? Because it’s immensely popular? Then the same rule applies to 2012 and Transformers II — all that’s changed is the demographic.
Don’t forget that deep within the tubby sweats-wearing soccer mom trapped in a stale marriage is a moony just-one-kiss adolescent yearning to be untouched yet desired. They experience it through their daughters, who bring the books home. It’s not such a stretch from Danielle Steele or Janet Dailey or any housewives’ author.
Do werewolves have a secret marsupial-like pouch to hold a change of clothing?
Did you ever see HOWLING III?
I’ll have to lend you the Rifftrax spin on TWILIGHT… I’m dying to see what they do to this one!
Did you ever see HOWLING III?
I was expecting someone to evoke that with its werekangaroos.
I’ll have to lend you the Rifftrax spin on TWILIGHT…
As much as I object to the whole MST3K sort of thing in principle, I’d make an exception in this case.
I have read all the books (at the insistence of a friend – long story), and I can tell you that this one is the worst, most over-wrought, mopiest, teen-age angst-ridden of the lot. If the movie is true to that, then it’s following the book.
It’s because young girls want to suffer for love. They think it makes the emotion real and adult, because they’re not old enough to have truly suffered for anything yet. Thus the movie feeds the target audience, as the insipid books did.
It’s a book series that’s made for teenage girls, and if they love the movie, who cares if it isn’t the next Oscar winner?
And this is a review that’s made for adult moviegoers, and if they enjoy the review, who cares if they don’t like New Moon?
How meaningful would this review be if Mr. Hanke simply concluded that this movie is perfect for the kind of people who are going to love it?
What I’m really wondering is whether they made it clear that Emily admitted her love to Sam because she was sad that he felt sad about ripping her face off when she rejected him.
The thing that would make all of Twilight fascinating is if the subtext was really explored. The writing is bland at best, and laughable frequently, but the subtext would be a brilliant psychological study of two severely mentally ill people ignoring everything wrong with each other in a desperate attempt to find “perfection”. So what if Edward is a stalker, a thief, an admitted murderer, and an obsessive control freak with the temper of a spoiled two-year-old? He’s rich and gorgeous and THERE. And when he leaves, his single-minded sad sack of a girlfriend must find someone else gorgeous, because she is incapable of defining worth by anything other than looks – she’s not impressed by thought, word, or deed.
I think that movie would have a lot of potential, certainly more than playing it straight. Well, I’ll wait until they release ‘Breaking Dawn’, where Edward bites his undead baby out of Bella’s uterus, only to have Jacob promptly fall head-over-heels in love with the newborn.
If Edward, Bella and Jacob could just settle into a nice, civilized menage a trois all this angst could be avoided.
If Edward, Bella and Jacob could just settle into a nice, civilized menage a trois all this angst could be avoided.
Forget that. If we’re wishing, how about just Edward and Jacob? Now that’s a movie I’d pay to see…
The thing that would make all of Twilight fascinating is if the subtext was really explored.
What’s strange about Twilight is that that subtext or alternate reading is so much more convincing than the author’s interpretation that if the book weren’t so lacking in self-awareness, it could almost pass as a sophisticated deconstruction of terrible teen romances.
Ted Naifeh took what I read as a swing at Twilight in his Courtney Crumrin and the Prince of Nowhere: a suave vampire tells Courtney that she’s the first girl he’s ever loved in his centuries of existence. The twist ending is that he feeds that line to all the girls before he devours them.
Forget that. If we’re wishing, how about just Edward and Jacob? Now that’s a movie I’d pay to see…
I’d pay to see Hellboy and the B.P.R.D. pick up Edward for soliciting a minor. One uppercut from the Right Hand of Doom and he’d drop like a fresh-cut daisy. “That’s all for you!”
I’d pay to see Hellboy and the B.P.R.D. pick up Edward for soliciting a minor. One uppercut from the Right Hand of Doom and he’d drop like a fresh-cut daisy.
Touche. I’d pay to see that. That’s much better than my idea!
“I’d pay to see Hellboy and the B.P.R.D. pick up Edward for soliciting a minor. One uppercut from the Right Hand of Doom and he’d drop like a fresh-cut daisy. “That’s all for you!” ”
Hellboy 2 was amazing, but seriously, in the world of the paranormal, where the hell is he to end this evil reign of pedophile vampires!!!!
“Forget that. If we’re wishing, how about just Edward and Jacob? Now that’s a movie I’d pay to see… ”
I am pretty sure, after my ex girlfriend read parts of the books to me, that the reader is often actually watching THAT story line in their heads instead. This may shock you but the books are worse than the movies, which is how I was able to handle watching them, (also, the so bad it’s campy good element, i.e. the slow motion scene in New Moon when Edward walks from his car, wind blowing in his open shirt, actually made it great for laughs)
What I’m noticing from most reviews I’ve read is that the reviewers don’t appear to have read the books.
They aren’t reviewing the books.