Cranky Hanke’s Worst Picks for 2006

1. Little Man. Isn’t it time legislation was passed prohibiting the Wayans Brothers from making movies? At the time of its release, I noted, “I honestly cannot think of anything worse that was made in between the time the Lumiere Brothers photographed a train pulling into a station in 1895 and today.” I stand by that, but is it enough? Probably not when you consider that 100-plus years of cinema brings us to an age where Marlon Wayans’ head can be grafted onto a midget so that he can pose as a baby in a film that revels in scatological humor and gross-out sex gags. If this is progress, we might do well to become Luddites here and now.

2. Date Movie. I didn’t think it was possible for anything rated PG-13 to be this offensive. It’s supposed to be a satire of romantic comedies — but it’s made by people who haven’t bothered looking up satire in the dictionary (presupposing they have a dictionary). One day we’re going to look back on this era and its penchant for slapping people into “fat suits” for a cheap laugh with the same kind of embarrassed horror we now view blackface.

3. Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector. The existence of this makes one despair for humankind. The only saving grace is that it bombed. It’s all predicated on the astonishing notion that stupidity is a more desirable state than intelligence, and that if there were more stupidity in this world, it would be a nicer place. I was a little surprised I didn’t get mail over this one, since I kept reading how popular Larry was, but maybe it’s like the cowboy star in Boy Meets Girl who says, “Just because I don’t get Clark Gable’s fan mail doesn’t mean I don’t have his fanbase. Why, a lot of people who go to my movies never learned how to write.” Of course, that would also mean that I’m “lacking in respect for the Idol of Illiteracy.” Well, OK.

4. Basic Instinct 2. Maybe if Sharon Stone had forgotten her panties and crossed her legs again, this overheated rubbish would have fared better at the box office. That really does say it all.

5. A Scanner Darkly. Will someone please tell Richard Linklater that he’s just not profound? No, he’s merely annoying, and he continues to fob off this stoner babble as some kind of intellectual insight. This kind of “Dude, that’s like heavy” drivel works better at 3 a.m. in a dorm room.

6. Little Children. A lot of people think this airless, condescending suburban drama from Todd Field (In the Bedroom) is brilliant. I hated it more than the worst movie on this list. Every year there’s at least one independent film that nearly everyone goes ape over that leaves me scratching my head — Lost in Translation, Sideways, etc. — but this one takes the cake with its pretentious literary tone and ponderous narration. We keep being told what the characters are thinking by a voice-over — like a bad production of Strange Interlude, only in the third person. I guess that’s easier than conveying anything through dialogue or acting.

7. R.V.. When was the last time Robin Williams was funny? Exactly. Another in the dreary series of star vehicles that pass for comedy in the 21st century.

8. Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World. I’m still looking for comedy in any Albert Brooks movie. This one wasn’t it.

9. See No Evil. Being the worst horror film of 2006 is no small accomplishment, but the WWE production starring the wrestler Kane as a hulking psycho who plucks out his victims’ eyes (thanks to an overly moral mother) manages it.

10. BloodRayne. Uwe Boll’s masterpiece of bad horror filmmaking is so sublimely awful that it’s actually entertaining. If there were even the slimmest chance that this campy nonsense was intentionally absurd, I’d have a different take. Still, it’s hard to actually dislike any movie that festoons Meatloaf with naked Romanian hookers (real hookers, it turned out, were cheaper than actresses — now you know why so many movies get shot in Romania).

And, of course, the coveted Pootie Tang Award, which this year goes to Jackass Number Two for helping to set back the art of comedy at least 100 years.