Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 09/24/08

ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — Ask around, and you’ll find nobody can remember the last time the Buncombe County Sheriff’s Office was rocked by a scandal of such magnitude.

Deputies with the Sheriff’s Office have been using their patrol cars to drop their kids off at school, and Sheriff Van Duncan, along with many others in the local community, don’t see what the big deal is.

“Look, it’s not like this office has a history of inappropriately using our squad cars to make personal trips, or drive to Cherokee on the clock to gamble, or run large criminal syndicates, or accept bribes in parking lots, or spy on state law enforcement officials who might be investigating us, so what’s the big deal?” Duncan recently asked.

Historically and without even a hiccup of doubt over the last several decades, employees of the Buncombe County Sheriff’s Office have been trusted, respected and admired by the public for their honesty, integrity and fundraising prowess.

“I see no harm in having our officers extend their presence to our local schools by dropping their kids off in the morning,” Duncan continued. “It’s a good way to let parents and teachers know that we’re not here to shake you down or to beat you because of how you display the flag. It’s desensitization, and without it, we can’t hardly even sneak up on lawabiding folks anymore.”

Some citizens point out the confusion that can be created by using a lawenforcement vehicle for personal matters.

“Well, when I see a Buncombe County Sheriff’s S.U.V. parked around back of an illegal gambling house, are they there on a bust or to double-down?” one county resident asked. “It’s a little confusing.”

But for others, seeing a Buncombe County Sheriff’s vehicle in an unexpected location one wouldn’t normally expect has a nerve-soothing quality.

“You make that long walk in the Harrah’s parking lot at night, and you’re plenty happy to see lots of Buncombe County patrol cars parked around,” said one man. “Same for outside the methadone clinic.”

Citizens are especially angry with Buncombe County Manager Wanda Greene, because the children of the deputies involved will have to drop out of school if their daddies can’t deliver them to school in a squad car every day.

“We really should have some type of public bussing or big yellow transportation- type things for school children, but sadly we do not,” said one man.

Deputies feel their activities need no scrutiny or oversight.

“I don’t see the big deal in dropping off my kid on my way to work, or blowing through intersections with a little halfsiren when I’m a few minutes behind,” one deputy said, before pointing out that he has not once been the subject of a federal grand jury in

ASHEVILLE, WEDNESDAY — Producers, viewers and fellow WLOS news reporters were stunned when an unshaved, uncombed John Le dragged himself onto the set recently for his debut appearance on the station’s new high-definition set.

Le, loved by many for his offbeat presence on camera, seemed to not take the station’s HD upgrade as seriously as some of his coworkers, who Le calls “prima-[expletive]-donnas.”

While other newscasters fret that even their slightest imperfections will now be crystal-clear on the HD broadcasts, Le remains disinterested.

“I’ve been holding my own with these pretty boys just fine. They come in, they go back out. I’m still here,” Le said. “You think a couple cucumber slices are going to undo this mug?”

“As far as industry reaction to my appearance in HD, yeah, I basically brought a black friend to a policeman’s Tazer convention,” said Le before the taping of his segment, while eating handfuls of peanuts, which he says make his face swell due to allergies. “Of course, if that intern in the news-writing department who does the awesome puns quits, I’m screwed.”

ASHEVILLE, TUESDAY — The North Carolina attorney general has subpoenaed several local broadcasters and producers at WLOS after receiving thousands of consumer complaints about “hype-jobs” and “fear mongering” in the station’s coverage of the gas shortages it helped create.

WLOS representatives claim they are not responsible for the massive hype-job they sold in the first few hours of the perceived shortage.

“First, that’s a time-honored hysteria-inducing hype-job we sold our consumers, and our hype was happily consumed on the free market,” said one WLOS executive. “A line in the grocery store or at the gas station is top-of-the-broadcast stuff, and we saw people in a line.”

Subpoenas were also delivered to the Asheville Citizen-Times, but editors at the paper claim they sold the hype-job only after receiving the job pre-hyped by WLOS.

“Our hands were tied, and WLOS flooded the market with this over-hyped stuff, and we had to make a small mark-up to cover our bottom line.”

Dear Arnold,
Do you know of any home remedies for allergies? My son suffers from them and I’m worried about all the over-thecounter medicines.
— Susan

Dear Susan,

Grandma Ma gave us a turnip to suck on. Nothing that a turnip can’t cure. Except cirrhosis of the liver. Grandpa sucked on that thing for years but he still turned green and died on the front lawn.

Dear Arnold,
My daughter covered herself in permanent marker. We’ve scrubbed for hours and it doesn’t seem to have any effect. What can we do?
— Stan

Dear Stan,

Bacon grease is a natural cleanser. Cover her in it and leave her in the back yard. The neighborhood animals will be attracted by the delicious smell of bacon and lick her clean. In fact that’s how my parents bathed me my first year of life. Even to this day, the smell of bacon mixed with the sound of approaching wildlife gives me a certain tingle.