Not infrequently, readers will write in to me to complain about something I’ve written in Culture Watch. Although they can be filled with genuine feeling, the letters often contain grammar and spelling poor enough to override their writers’ salient points. Obviously, we need some standardization here. So, I present you with our new E-Z Complaint form. Enjoy.
Dear Mr. Shanafelt,
1. In a recent column, you wrote a comment that was: [__] snide, but dead-on; [__] dismissive, but accurate; [__] sarcastic, but apt; [__] caustic, but true. This comment was inaccurate because ______________ is totally not what I would have said.
2. Your comment offended: [__] me; [__] my significant other/spouse; [__] my family member; [__] my friend; [__] a hottie I’m trying to score points with.
3. I have come to the conclusion that you are a: [__] talentless hack with an unsupportive attitude; [__] bitter, mean-spirited jerk who probably hates his life; [__] sad, failed artist stabbing blindly at the world which has ruined his hopes; [__] really talented and funny guy with a wit far too acerbic for my plebian tastes. I feel sorry for you because you are a _________ and a ___________.
4. Why can’t you: [__] be more nice about everything, even if it’s kind of lame; [__] talk about how great our over-hyped local arts scene is, even though you personally haven’t been impressed since around 2003; [__] be overwhelmingly, unjustifiably supportive of the work of me/my friends because we are retreading the same well-stomped creative ground as every arts/music student in modern history? Can’t you see that ___________________ is really important?
5. I hope Mountain Xpress finally sees how awful you are as both a human being and a writer, and decides to: [__] fire you on the grounds of writing something I didn’t like; [__] make you write a weekly column about bland arts and culture for the easily amazed; [__] replace you with a writer who doesn’t actually follow the local arts scene, but does use a lot of exclamation marks (!!!); [__] ditch you and hire my friend _____________, who would totally write better than you because they studied creative writing in college.
Sincerely,
__________________
__________________
P.S. _________________________________________________________________ !
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