Edgy Mama: mommy wish list

I have a dream. I have lots of dreams, actually. And while I don’t like to complain (too much), I figure it’s okay to have a Mommy Wish List. It’s simpler and less grandiose than a bucket list. Mostly, it consists of things I wistfully wonder if maybe, just maybe, if I wish upon a star, I might be granted one day. Such as:

1. All-natural peanut butter that doesn’t have added sugar but costs less than $5 a jar.

2. A dog that demands less attention than my children.

3. Mommy juice that helps me relax but doesn’t make it difficult to drive a car or read coherently to a child at bed time.

4. A bikini that covers my ass.

5. A self-cleaning refrigerator. I have a self-cleaning oven. I hear there are refrigerators that can talk and will tell you when you’re low on milk or beer. So why aren’t there self-cleaing refrigerators?

6. Truly wrinkle-free clothing. In other words, clothing that can be shaken out and will look crisp and fresh even after it’s been wadded up in the “clean” laundry basket for two weeks.

7. A bag of tortilla chips in which all the chips stay whole so half the bag doesn’t always degrade into tiny pieces that no one will eat. Will chickens eat tortilla chips? If so, I could support a flock of urban chickens on the half bags of broken tortilla chips I throw away every week.

8. A way to make children believe that picking dirty clothes up off the floor is fun. Perhaps a laundry chute that doubles as a slide? Can kids be cleaned in the washing machine with their clothes? That’d be great too.

9. Ditto washing dishes — fun for kids.

10. Ditto poop patrol — make it amazingly fun for kids.

11. Even better? Dogs that bury their poop but otherwise aren’t cats.

12. For people to stop ogling women who nurse their babies in public. Boobs, people, get over them.

13. I’m rethinking the self-cleaning refrigerator. Instead, I’d like a self-cleaning house.

14. Grass that grows to one inch and no taller. You’d think with all the genetically modified plants out there, someone would’ve engineered grass that stops growing when it’s an inch or so high. Seems simple.

15. Smaller portions at local restaurants with appropriately scaled down cost. Love the “small” plate menus, y’all. Especially since many of you won’t let me eat off the kid menu. Seriously, I’d eat out more often if I could get smaller portions for less money. In fact, there are a few spots I can feed myself and two kids quality food for under $15, but not many. More of those, please.

That’s all for now. What’s on your Mommy (or Daddy) wish list? Comments at http://www.mountainx.com.

P.S. Thanks to those of you who’ve asked me why you’re not seeing Edgy Mama columns as often. After almost four-and-a-half years of weekly columns, we decided to dial them back to biweekly. After all, now that I’m parenting teenagers, I’m no longer “allowed” to write about many of their shenanigans. Thanks, as always, for the continued support.


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