Editor’s note: The following story is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. None of the events reported on in the article are real. This is a satirical piece that is not meant to be taken seriously. Happy New Year.
A local musician is recovering at Mission Health after suffering shock caused by someone actually paying attention to her recent performance at a South Slope brewery.
The incident occurred last Saturday when singer-songwriter Molly McGillicutty was in the middle of the second of three hourlong sets at IPA Brewing Co. In her words, she was “lost in the sauce” when she just so happened to look up and lock eyes with Susan P. Jenkins, a retired schoolteacher in town for the weekend from Atlanta.
“I thought maybe she was a mannequin — that’s happened before at my shows,” McGillicutty says. “Or else she was blind and forgot to put on her Ray Charles sunglasses. But these were no cloudy peepers — no ma’am.”
McGillicutty acknowledges that while breweries generally pay musicians “a pretty good amount — if you like sandwiches,” she’s usually the third or fourth option for customers, ranking somewhere below alcohol, conversation, live sports and/or the bartender’s playlist broadcasting from the speaker in the corner of the taproom designated for performers.
Despite the dirty glances or looks of pity from patrons uninterested in attending a concert, McGillicutty still puts forth maximum effort each time and is thankful for the smattering of golf claps that may be for her or the sportsball team on the projection screen across from the makeshift stage. However, she was unprepared for the interest Jenkins paid McGillicutty’s original tune, “Bradford Pear (Why You Smell So Bad).”
The connection — which the musician recalls consisted of a smile (“But no teeth”) and slightly raised eyebrows (“In a nice way”) — was so intense and unexpected that it sent McGillicutty into convulsions. She fell from her stool and landed awkwardly on her acoustic guitar, Millie, who perished on the spot.
While everyone else remained fixated on the televised athletic competition, Jenkins bolted to the stage, checked McGillicutty’s pulse and called 911. Minutes later, a chorus of groans emerged from the clientele as paramedics carted the artist out during a commercial break.
Jenkins visited McGillicutty at Mission on her way back to Georgia and brought the musician a bouquet of flowers from the three-for-$10 bin at Ingles Markets’ Tunnel Road location. The medical team says recovery is going well and that the patient will soon be able to return home and “write a catchy little ditty about the whole experience.”
Members of the Asheville music community are accepting submissions for a benefit album, proceeds from which will help pay McGillicutty’s medical bills. Tentatively titled Invasive & In Bloom, the project will be composed solely of interpretations of “Bradford Pear” and has already attracted the attention of Fairview-based nu metal band Manhole Cover.
The compilation’s organizers also invited Jenkins to record her own version, to which the hero replied, “She wrote that? Hmm … I thought it was a Joni Mitchell song.”
Holiday Hullabaloo
After mesmerizing approximately 5.6 trillion viewers in December 2023 alone, the Hallmark original film A Biltmore Christmas has prompted the Hallmark Channel to greenlight an entire series of holiday-themed films set at the U.S.’s largest private residence.
Biltmore Co. CEO Bill Cecil Jr. and Hallmark Media CEO Mike Perry announced the new venture at a press conference held Friday morning in the deep end of the swimming pool within the Biltmore House. Among the first batch of films slated for production over the next three years are A Biltmore Independence Day, A Biltmore Thanksgiving, A Biltmore Washington’s Birthday and A Biltmore Juneteenth. Additional federal holidays and less popular days of reveling are being considered down the line, with Perry saying, “Nothing is off the table.”
“Does it matter that Biltmore doesn’t actually have a May Day celebration?” he posited. “No, but as the popularity of Mystery on Mistletoe Lane and You, Me & the Christmas Trees has proven, these loyal Hallmark viewers will watch anything we make.”
Also at the press conference was Jonathan Frakes (Commander William T. Riker on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”), who will reprise his role as tour guide Winston in each A Biltmore movie installment. The actor downplayed long-running rumors that he owes a significant gambling debt to Perry involving wagers on illegal wombat wrestling matches and called Winston “the character he was born to play.”
Perry also notes that local actor A.K. Benninghofen will return for all of the films as enthusiastic Biltmore tourist Margaret. “It turns out she has an affinity for every holiday that’s as strong as her love of Christmas,” he says. “We’re excited to see Margaret’s passion for everything from Halloween to National Doughnut Day.”
Arguably the biggest news of all is that Cecil himself will step behind the camera to direct at least two films and also have a small acting part as what’s described as “a mischievous but lovable Vanderbilt ghost” who’s set to become a series regular.
Sellouts
Over a year after putting its Merrimon Avenue location up for sale, the Asheville Pizza & Brewing Co.’s ownership group has finally found a buyer: themselves. Sort of.
“We were just waiting for our clones to mature,” says Mike Rangel, the co-owner who always gets saddled with talking to the press. “They’re finally in their mid-20s now, so that seems old enough to run a business.”
Rangel notes that the requests for new owners who “didn’t want to change anything” about the North Asheville restaurant, bar and two-screen movie theater were “mostly bullsh*t” as well as a ploy to see if a certain local alt-weekly newspaper would write an advertisement in the guise of a cover story.
The younger replicas free up Rangel and fellow co-owners Allison Brown-Rangel, Leigh Oder, Lisa Leokum, Cory Gates and Pete Langheinrich to pursue their true passions. For Rangel, that means realizing his long-held dream of bringing a lucha libre Mexican wrestling league to town. Matches will be held at the Rabbit Rabbit outdoor entertainment venue on Coxe Avenue starting in April 2025.
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