Author:   Justin Souther

The Story: A bucktoothed Iowan heads to California to become -- like his parents once were -- a porn star. The Lowdown: Painfully idiotic and infinitely unfunny.

The Story: A hot-headed golfer has a blow-up during a tournament and ends up in the tiny Texas town of Utopia, where an old cowboy holds the secret to becoming a better golfer. The Lowdown: Cheesy filmmaking, heavy-handed preachiness and flagrant consumerism make for one hairy film.

The Story: A group of co-eds head to an island on a Lousiana lake, only to find out it’s infested with killer sharks. The Lowdown: Barebones horror filmmaking at its stupidest and least involving.

The Story: A young woman moves into an apartment and begins receiving phone calls from the past. The Lowdown: A cheap attempt at high-concept horror that isn’t thought out enough to be effective.

The Story: A female assassin attempts to get back at the criminals who slaughtered her family. The Lowdown: Terminally dumb movie that lacks enough action or cleverness to be entertaining.

The Story: Everyone’s favorite sweaty barbarian is back, as he attempts to stop an evil king from raising the dead. The Lowdown: Noisy and overlong, and -- eventually -- just kind of dull sword-and-sorcery epic.

The Story: A couple of kids must stop a supervillain from stopping time and ending the world in the bargain. The Lowdown: A rough-around-the-edges -- but worthy -- successor to the first two Spy Kids films.

The Thursday Horror Picture Show will screen Shaun of the Dead on Thursday, August 25, at 8 p.m. in the Cinema Lounge of The Carolina Asheville and will be hosted by Xpress movie critics Ken Hanke and Justin Souther.

The Story: A slacker pizza deliveryman has a bomb strapped to him by a couple of ne’er-do-wells, who tell him he has nine hours to rob a bank for them before the bomb ignites. The Lowdown: An uneven, occasionally amusing comedy that rises and falls depending on how you feel about the cast.

The Story: A 3D concert film from the live tour of the TV show Glee, mixing performance footage, behind-the-scenes footage and fan testimonials. The Lowdown: Bland covers of pop music cripple a film that has its heart in the right place.

The Story: A documentary covering the dangers of mountaintop-removal mining, and of the coal industry as a whole. The Lowdown: A worthy topic explored with plenty of passion, but the resulting film feels unfocused due to information overload.

The Story: Two assassins team up -- for wholly different reasons -- to kill a crime boss. The Lowdown: A low budget, competent actioner that’s negligible and forgettable.

The Story: During World War II, a skinny weakling is given super powers by the U.S. government, and becomes the superhero Captain America. The Lowdown: Goofy comic-book action that’s a couple of steps away from being wholly disastrous, but just barely.

The Thursday Horror Picture Show will screen 28 Days Later... on Thursday, July 28, at 8 p.m. in the Cinema Lounge of The Carolina Asheville and will be hosted by Xpress movie critics Ken Hanke and Justin Souther.

The Story: After Eeyore’s tail goes missing, it’s up to the denizens of the Hundred Acre Wood to find him a suitable replacement. The Lowdown: Perfectly innocuous family fare that’s solely for fans of Winnie the Pooh, and likely to induce narcolepsy in anyone else.

The Story: Three friends decide to murder their truly awful bosses. The Lowdown: A solidly entertaining comedy that succeeds solely on the will of its cast.

The Story: While on vacation in Paris, a young woman from Texas is mistaken for an heiress and decides to impersonate her. The Lowdown: Often bloated and predictable, it's also more charming and infinitely better than it has any right to be.

The Story: In Norway, a group of film students stumble upon a secret government agency tasked with the elimination of out-of-control trolls. The Lowdown: Easily the best film ever made in the found-footage genre, it also comes with all the pitfalls and flaws -- bad camerawork, shaky characterization -- that come along with that distinction.

The Plot: Mater the tow truck gets entangled in web of espionage, while race car Lightning McQueen attempts to best his rival in a high-stakes race. The Lowdown: Did you read the sentence before this? Easily the dumbest, noisiest Pixar film to date.

The Story: A hotshot test pilot is gifted a super-powered ring by an alien, which in turn makes him a superhero. The Lowdown: A dreadfully dull version of your standard comic-book-origin film.

The Thursday Horror Picture Show will screen Videodrome Thursday, June 23, at 8 p.m. in the Cinema Lounge of The Carolina Asheville and will be hosted by Xpress movie critics Ken Hanke and Justin Souther.