A week or so ago my girlfriend and I spent an interesting evening with friends. We were at their house, recuperating from a heavy meal, when the husband switched on the television to a program so outlandish that it nearly blew the back of my head off.
I can’t recall the show’s precise title, but it may have been “Designer Vaginas.” The message was that women can now visit highly paid surgeons in places like Beverly Hills and have their pudenda tailored—a stitch here, a little squirt of collagen there, I guess—and emerge from surgery with something more to their (or, perhaps more to the point, their partner’s) liking.
Nothing prepared me to learn of this trend, leastwise not on prime time television. It was a moment of personal crisis similar to what my grandparents must have felt when they caught sight of Elvis’s lurid pelvis, or later, my parents’ horror at seeing the then-controversial plot lines of Soap race across their TV screen. I longed for simpler times when “wardrobe malfunction” still had the power to appall.
Moreover, I wondered: What has become of romance? Time was, a guy could buy his sweetheart a dozen roses or a flask of Coty perfume and be rewarded with a batting of the eyes, a kiss, and just maybe, a pledge of devotion. Nowadays, though, nothing quite says “I love you” like a voucher for cosmetic surgery.
Which brings us to wine. Long before humanity went dickering with the specifics of its privates, way back in the good old days of Bacchus, the ultimate turn-on, the quick fix in the romance department, was wine. Beyond the flush that it brings to the cheeks and its skill at bringing people together, wine, similar to a romantic partner, has depth and complexity and must, in a sense, be courted to be fully known. There is the presentation (removing the price sticker, wiping the dust from the bottle), the straining of the forearms required to unstop the stuff, the ritual examination of the cork, the patience required to let a wine “breathe.” Then there is the sensory experience of tasting it: the pheromonal aspect of the bouquet, the weight on the tongue, and the flavors of berries, earth, spice, fragrant meadows, Aunt Frieda’s sunroom, salt lick, what have you.
Even the popular but questionable appraisal of a wine’s “legs,” the viscous bands left behind when it’s swirled in a glass, has a bit of a salacious undertone. I’ve seen more than one man roll a wine stem between a thumb and a forefinger and say “It’s sure got some legs on it,” a comment that’s usually followed with a dark “har-har.”
So, in the spirit of the season and in a quest to prove that romance is still very much alive (at least in the bottle, if not on TV), I consulted with wine merchants around Asheville and asked them to recommend stock that best exhibits “sexy” qualities. Of course, sexy, much like sex in this regard, has a different meaning for everyone. To some it’s a matter of brawn; others seek a delicate, perfumed quality or a deep, rich color in their wine, or the play of bubbles on the tongue.
The wines noted here by no means amount to a complete list. But they are locally available and, in most respects, approaching economical. After all, we’re talking romance, people. Courtship. You’ve got to shell out a little. At slightly more than $35, the most expensive bottle listed here remains infinitely cheaper than having yours or a loved one’s thingy customized. Trust me, I know. I’ve seen the show.
The sexiest wines alive
Asheville Wine Market
65 Biltmore Ave./253-0060/Eberhard Heide, owner
2004 Borsao “Tres Picos” garnacha (red), Spain, $12.99
“Made from old vine grapes. This wine is filled with beautiful red fruit.”
Anton Bauer rosé, Austria, $9.99
“Rosé, along with champagne, is always a great wine for a special night. This wine is dry but nicely fruited, and very easy to drink. Austria is hot—very up and coming as a wine region.”
Grove Corner Market
1 Page Ave./225-4949/Erin Socha, buyer
Terre Rouge “Enigma” Rhône Valley-style blend (white), Sierra foothills, California, $22.99
“It has this very voluptuous mouthfeel. It’s the Marilyn Monroe of wines, a sexy little woman in a bottle.”
J.L. Chave “Offerus”, Saint-Joseph (red), northern Rhône Valley, France, $33.99
“A great wine with a gamey nose. I think of northern Rhônes as very macho, burly wines, sexy in the way that a big, sweaty bodybuilder is.”
The Merry Wine Market
108 W. State St./Black Mountain/669-9050/Katherine Counce, owner
2005 Elke pinot noir (red), Anderson Valley, California, $34
“They make fantastic pinot noir. It’s unfiltered and unrefined, which gives it more flavor and body. There’s a nice peppery quality to it and a smoky finish. Ready to drink now, but also worthy of cellaring.”
Saint-Evasio Brachetto d’Acqui, sparkling red, Italy, $15.99
“It tastes like crushed strawberries in Champagne. Wins the ladies over every time.”
Vino Vino Boutique Wines
1457 Merrimon Ave., Suite 101/258-2177/Aryn Hood, buyer
1991 Porto Colheita tawny port, $21.99
“Oh my God. It’s the best dessert wine I’ve ever had, hands down. There’s so much going on in the glass: molasses, spice, vanilla, apricot, nuttiness, creme brulee and cinnamon. Love, love, love it.”
Domaine Evharis “Eva” semi-sparkling blend (white), Greece, $20.99
“I actually had a gentleman customer tell me, slightly embarrassed, that he had a physical reaction to this wine because it smelled like a woman, in the best way possible. I thought that was just gorgeous. And it is the softest, smoothest, richest, loveliest sparkling wine.”
Weinhaus
86 Patton Ave./254-6453/Hunt Mallett, owner
Piemonte Brachetto, sparkling red, Italy, $18.99
“There aren’t many wines that go this well with chocolate. It’s incredible.”
2004 Francis Coppola “Sofia” pinot noir rosé, California, $15.99
“A very sexy bottle, if a bottle can be ‘sexy’.”
Wine Emporium
229 Airport Rd., Suite C/Arden/687-8028/Bob Varney, owner
2005 Chapoutier Belleruche Côtes du Rhône (red), $19
“Outside it’s cold, it’s winter. This is the perfect drink for the season. It’s earthy and full of soft fruit.”
2000 Chateau Tauzinat St. Emilion Bordeaux (red), $34.99
“A little more expensive, but a great wine for sharing, with or without a meal. Nice balance and very smooth-drinking. No bite, no burn.”
The Wine Guy
555 Merrimon Ave. and 1200 Hendersonville Road/254-6500 and 277-1120/Mike Kolker, manager
Roederer Estate Brut (rosé), Anderson Valley, California, $22.99
“Any sparkling wine is sexy. And a rosé, especially, fits the bill.”
Ramos Pinto Quinta de Ervamoira tawny port, 10 years, $35.99
“It’s an extremely flavorful, delicious port, extremely well-made, with hints of chocolate and molasses. It’s rich and a little sinful. Definitely sexy.”
Note: Remember that wine, like television, is best taken in moderation.
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