Editor’s note: The following content, unlike the rest of Mountain Xpress’ award-winning coverage of local news and events throughout the rest of the year, is 100% fake.
On Dec. 25, Mission Hospital opened a new maternity center.
“We’re proud of the amenities we offer new moms at the Mission Hospital Baby Center, like having a glass of water, opening a window or using the toilet,” says spokesperson Nancy Lindell.
For an extra fee, Lindell notes, a health care professional with an advanced degree will be paid overtime to clean the toilet between patients.
“Mission Hospital has the most dedicated staff,” Lindell adds. “And the hospital is recognized year-after-year for those health care excellence awards that we pay for.” The press release about the most recent health care excellence award can be emailed to any and all area publications again on the slim chance that editors, staff and payroll personnel don’t already have it.
When asked about the maternity wing, Mission Hospital CEO Chad Patrick replied that the company is delighted to welcome new health care customers. “Especially ones without enough object permanence to tell whether there is a nurse keeping watch over them,” he says.
HCA has listened to feedback from previous maternity center patients, he continues, and its delivery rooms now have heat and running water. He says putting bars on the cribs, available for an additional fee, would become available in fall 2026.
“We’re constantly improving,” he says.
Any additional feedback can be directed to the independent monitor hired to oversee HCA when the for-profit health care system purchased nonprofit Mission Hospital for $1.5 billion in 2019.
Though the name of the company doing the independent monitoring or their contact information is irrelevant, Patrick is especially proud of the fact that Mission Hospital has a pizza oven in its cafeteria.
“How many hospitals can you say have a pizza oven, huh?” he ponders, turning his gaze to the Golf Channel playing on the flatscreen TV in his office.
Questions regarding whether Mission Hospital staff are permitted to eat meals from the pizza oven in its cafeteria are also irrelevant.
Buxton Hall Barbecue relocates to Mission Hospital
Acclaimed South Slope restaurant Buxton Hall Barbecue will relocate to the Mission Hospital cafeteria, HCA’s new food and beverage manager Katie Button has confirmed.
“We’re really building out the whole space to be a ‘go-to’ destination for foodies in the region — not just a chicken noodle soup slop shop for patients on the fifth floor,” says the four-time James Beard Award nominee. “We see this as Asheville’s most exciting food court.”
Rejecting accusations that the company is profiteering from people in ill health, Sam Hazen, CEO of the for-profit publicly listed HCA, says, “The fact is we have ‘dead’ space in the cafeteria. Specifically, between the gas-fired pizza oven imported from Italy and the fresh sushi preparation station. We don’t really make much money from partially comping nurses meals, so this is a logical next step in the evolution of Asheville’s acclaimed food scene.”
Hazen continues, “We really see ourselves as more of a ‘whole-circle’ solution than simply the nation’s largest for-profit hospital chain. So, yes, people are born here, and plenty die here, but the missing link is food, and we believe some low-and-slow Carolina-style ribs will help us expand into new markets.” Coughing and adjusting his tie, Hazen adds, “We hope our shareholders will agree.”
Chai Pani Restaurant Group co-founder Meherwan Irani, owner of Buxton Hall, was enthusiastic about the possibilities. “People love barbecue, and having exclusivity in Asheville’s latest food concept was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up,” he says. “I closed the original Buxton Hall location pretty much immediately — I’m all-in on HCA, baby!”
The new concept will have long-standing Buxton Hall classics such as the buttermilk fried chicken sandwich, reimagined with a creamy painkiller-infused dipping sauce on the side and served on a disused medical gurney.
“Just wait till you see what we’ve done with the Bourbon & Cheerwine Slushies,” Irani says with a wink.