Stumbling into theaters, it’s Star Wars: The Cash Grab—I mean Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Taking place sometime between what happens in Attack of the Clones (2002) and Revenge of the Sith (2005), this latest theatrical installment in the now 31-year-old space saga is the franchise’s first animated feature. Clone Wars was originally created for TV (and obviously aimed at 8-year-olds), until George Lucas himself laid eyes on it and decided it was simply too good for basic cable. This says much about Lucas’ taste—or at least his belief in the credulity and Pavlovian nature of Star Wars fans—as the only fate this flaccid mess ever truly deserved was to have its tedium broken up with frequent Honey Smacks cereal commercials and exiled to Saturday mornings.
Other than the obvious cash-making reasons (the movie is the launch pad for a brand new TV series), it’s difficult to figure out why, exactly, this movie has found a place on the big screen. It does nothing to illuminate or compliment the other films. Its plot consists of Jedi knight and future Darth Vader Anakin Skywalker (Matt Lanter, Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius) and his young apprentice—the utterly obnoxious Ahsoka (Ashley Eckstein, Sydney White)—trying to save Jabba the Hutt’s (Kevin Michael Richardson, TMNT) kidnapped son—the comparatively tiny, grub-like Stinky the Hutt (at least that’s what he’s called during the entire movie)—while simultaneously stopping the evil plan of the malevolent and unfortunately named Count Dooku (Christopher Lee).
Clone Wars is more a collection of poorly animated set pieces tied together with a lot of lackluster explosions and shoddy shaky-cam action scenes than a movie with an actual plot. It might’ve helped if the animation hadn’t been a modern-day variant on the old “Supermarionation” of the TV series Thunderbirds, only sucked dry of any charm by CGI. All the characters appear to have hair made of basswood and amble around like they have a shower-curtain rod shoved up their hindquarters. However, the film does what was once thought impossible, which is to make Hayden Christiansen’s performances in the last two Star Wars flicks seem downright natural and affecting.
Thankfully, the audience is spared the dulcet tones of Mr. Christiansen, as the only actors from the live-action films who lend their voices to this endeavor are Christopher Lee (apparently just happy he wasn’t once again axed from a movie’s final cut), Anthony Daniels and, very briefly, Samuel L. Jackson. The rest of the cast is filled with voice-over vets, and while this is welcome news when it comes to Christiansen, it makes you realize how much Ewan McGregor meant to Lucas’ films. Regardless of the long list of cartoon credits these people have on their resumes, they still sound like they’re reading their lines directly from a script.
Not that what they’re repeating is any great shakes, as it’s firmly entrenched in the Lucas tradition of stilted, rigid dialogue. Most of the film involves Anakin and Ahsoka bickering with one another in what passes for banter, mixed in with any number of ghastly jokes concerning supposedly cute robots and the usual self-serious Star Wars tone. I’m just amazed grown men wrote this—and that it took three of them to do it. Then again, these are people who write lines like “This smells like Count Dooku” with complete earnestness.
The only thing keeping this movie from a half-star rating (other than this week’s other animated fare, Fly Me to the Moon) is the inclusion of the sashaying, flower-wearing uncle of Jabba, Ziro the Hutt (Corey Burton, Atlantis: The Lost Empire). Two parts Truman Capote and one part Tyler Perry’s Madea, the oddly effeminate, hookah-toking and unintentionally hilarious Ziro is the only fun to be found in the entire movie. But that’s hardly enough to make Clone Wars even the least bit worthwhile. Rated PG for sci-fi action violence throughout, brief language and momentary smoking.
Yeah, the television trailers made this look like a piece of third-rate hokum, designed to lighten the wallets of the gullible. Your review underscores this impression.
I’m the last person to defend STAR WARS, but this one was better than I thought it would be. In fact, it’s better than any of the new ones (eps. I – III).
No clumsy attempts at character development or romance, just lasers going off everywhere. Add to that the bizarre Zippy the Hut and it’s a decent hour and a half entertainment.
Marc has young children. He has to try to rationalize having sat through things like this.
I would have been even harsher on this thing than Justin was. I’d sit through the live action Thunderbirds again — three times — before this.
I would have been even harsher on this thing than Justin was.
Oh, you say that about everything. Maybe the sad thing is I thought I was being harsh.
I’d sit through the live action Thunderbirds again—three times—before this.
This can be arranged. I still remember you saying you’d rather “drink your own urine” than watch Rocky Balboa. Now who reviewed that again?
No clumsy attempts at character development or romance
I’m thinking the attempts at character development (like the interactions between Anakin and Jedi Jailbait) were so clumsy you just didn’t spot them.
I just wish they hadn’t made a clumsy attempt at a movie.
Oh, you say that about everything. Maybe the sad thing is I thought I was being harsh.
You were dazzled by this thing’s relative mediocrity after seeing Fly Me to the Moon and went soft.
I still remember you saying you’d rather “drink your own urine” than watch Rocky Balboa. Now who reviewed that again?
Granting that, it’s not like I didn’t sit through both Clone Bores and Fly Me to the Moose with you.
Add to that the bizarre Zippy the Hut and it’s a decent hour and a half entertainment.
You have got to be kidding. Remind me to never ask you for movie recommendations. :)
It was probably the worst 90 minutes I’ve ever spent in a theater.
It was probably the worst 90 minutes I’ve ever spent in a theater.
While I don’t disagree with the sentiment as such, I’ve got a hunch you didn’t sit through Little Man, Bratz or Norbit.
“This smells like Count Dooku”
I’m laughing out loud!
“You have got to be kidding. Remind me to never ask you for movie recommendations. :)
It was probably the worst 90 minutes I’ve ever spent in a theater.”
Hey an opinion is an opinion. I went in expecting the worst and it was better than I thought it would be.
And yes, you should NEVER ask me for a recommendation, unless you like to be shocked!
Even admitting that it’s an opinion, I went in expecting the worst and was surprised to find it was even worse than my expectations. Apart from Capote the Hutt, I can’t think of one thing about it that didn’t strike a wrong note. For that matter, the amusement I got out of that character probably wasn’t the note intended.
While I don’t disagree with the sentiment as such, I’ve got a hunch you didn’t sit through Little Man, Bratz or Norbit.
Good God no. I’m not a movie critic nor a glutton for punishment, so why would I?
Hey an opinion is an opinion. I went in expecting the worst and it was better than I thought it would be
My downfall was I went in expecting something resembling Genndy’s version from Cartoon Network, but CGI. Of course, I didn’t consider the fact that Lucas actually had a hand in this one.
I would have waited for DVD (assuming they won’t broadcast it as part of the series), but my 8 year old son was psyched. Even he didn’t like it. His complaint was not enough Ventress and it was boring.
My much more profane take is here in the forum:
http://www.mountainx.com/forums/viewthread/418/
bah, my kid loved it, the kids that we went with loved it, the kids in the theater loved it, the adults w/ their kids in the theater loved it.
perhaps thou protest too much?
I’m not real sure on who is protesting too much or what that means in this context — unless you’re contending that everyone who has disliked the film really likes it and is embarassed to admit it. I find that hard to imagine. We are talking about a movie that weighs in with 107 bad reviews to 24 good ones on Rotten Tomatoes. Are they protesting too much, too?
I’m not saying you and your circle are wrong for loving it, but it’s a bit much to think that everyone else is wrong for not loving it.
And did you actually ask every kid and every adult in the theater what they thought and they all said they loved it?
It was a dark and stormy night. I lit a cigarette under the full moon, blew some smoke, grabbed my coat, and headed for the cinema. Tonight’s case was peculiar: Star Wars Clone Wars. I flashed back to the first time seeing the trailer and I admit, it looked fun. I’ve always had a thing for Star Wars, well the originals anyway, I don’t necessarily hate the prequels, but they were like gorgeous dames with no heart. Robots. Anyway, I sat down, watched my share of trailers, and the movie began. Something is amiss right from the start, no FOX logo. The infamous “A long time ago…” slogan appeared but it’s accompanied by static like voices. I winced. Then a stake went right for my heart as the opening Star Wars Clone Wars title had a butchered up version of the opening Star Wars theme. What’s even worse, the famous scrolling prologue was replaced by voice over.
This was wrong.
During the first twenty minutes I told myself to calm down, it’s a kids movie. Then I thought of the other movies aimed for the younger audience that came out this summer. And realized this has no excuse. Wall E, Kung Fu Panda, fun films for all ages that do not insult the audiences intelligence. I felt violated for watching this “film”, my mind twirled over and over into dismay and anger. I may have turned a little green. It hurts me to say, but this entire movie killed a lot of love I had for Star Wars. How did this happen? I don’t understand how a very beloved franchise has become a freakin joke. This series is what it is because of the fans, and they deserve better. After the bad after taste of the prequels, you would think some one who had the opportunity to write the wrongs of the prequels would. But this! How Lucas even let this thing happen, assures that he really has fallen to the dark side, and he feeds on the hate. Does it make you happy Lucay Boy? Danged masochist.
I feel like I’ve been had. We deserve better. If this is such a respected franchise, how come everyone treats the recent films with low expectations? We’re being handed crap on a platter masked in lightsabers, spaceships, and things that go boom. I hear defenders now, “You heartless fanboy, I had fun! My kids had fun! Everyone around had fun!” Well, take Kung Fu Panda for comparison. It’s story is simple. It has freakin cute and cuddly animals. And there is plenty of brisk moving action. Yet Panda works because it has heart, it has character, it’s fun and it doesn’t spoon feed its audience. Though it’s not animated on a Pixar level, it’s still very creative and striking. Kung Fu Panda wanted to impress you. Clone Wars was like watching crappy full motion video from the days of the first playstaion. I’d rather play a good Star Wars video game, then watch one that acts like a video game, and looks like trash. At least the Star Wars video games, even the crap ones, can afford to get the traditional opening sequences right.
THIS MOVIE IS JUST AN ABOMINATION! THIS GODFORSAKEN PIECE OF COUNT DOOKU IS MAKING ME TYPE OUT OF CHARACTER!!! I MEAN, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!? I GUESS THEY WANTED TO MAKE THINKING AND STAR WARS AN OXYMORON IF EVER STRUNG IN A SENTENCE!!! I WISH I HADN’T EVEN SEEN THIS, I WANT MY TIME BACK!!!!
*Calms down, lights a cigarette, pours a drink.*
Star Wars is dead boys, and it’s so lonely on a limb.
I’m going out on a limb of my own here and guessing that you, unlike “uptown ruler,” didn’t love Clone Wars.
As a fan and attendee of the original trilogy thetrical releases, I feel I do have to remind everyone out there of the following: Anything George Lucas is allowed to do unsupervised is complete crap. Maybe marketable crap, but a rose by any other name.
Sure the man is a creative genius and a good business person, but without the seasoned likes of Irvin Kershner and Gary Kurtz virtually every project he touches ends up the same way. This was painfully apparent with the Star Wars Holiday special back in the 70’s and has been repeated many times since, a la Howard the Duck or Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. Any extension of the Star Wars franchise was destined to be sub par from the time Lucas was able to purchase all the rights to the franchise back in the early eighties with money from merchandising on the first two movies. Sad but nevertheless true.
“I don’t understand how a very beloved franchise has become a freakin joke.”
You didn’t feel this for episodes 1 through 3?
Jimbo is right. Lucas needs a screenwriter and director. He might still be running the show, but at least other people are involved in the process.
As one who never much cared for any Star Wars incarnation, I think you need to stop and look at the whole concept that it’s a franchise — beloved or not — and as such is (and pretty much always has been) first and foremost a money-making venture. The idea that it was ever designed as high art is, I think, largely wishful thinking. It was supposed to be fun and thrilling (after all, it was modeled on 1930s serials) and that was about it.
I was 22, so this isn’t part of my childhood, like it is for many fans, and that needs to be taken into account. But the fact that it was a franchise affair — and dissatisfaction with that realization — started to set in before the much-maligned prequels. The original set of adult fans started feeling varying degrees of disenchantment with the third movie — based on two things. The first of these was all Lucas seemed to be interested in talking about was how many more special effects were in this latest entry than in the previous ones, like the whole raison d’etre for the films were the effects. But more, there was the merchandising — the ever heavier merchandising. Does no one else remember how cordially detested the Ewoks were at the time? The overall perception was that they’d been added to the mix strictly as something that was readily merchandisable. It was inevitable that this pattern would continue, because it is a franchise.
As for Lucas needing a screenwriter and director, the flaw with that idea is that Clone Wars has those things. It didn’t help — though I do give a nod to whoever came up with Ziro the Hutt. I mean it’s not every day you come across a hookah-puffing, cross-dressing Hutt doing what I’ve finally concluded must be a Blanche DuBois impression.
I’m not defending this movie. I found it painfully bad, but, in part, it’s the simple law of diminishing returns. I can think of no series of films that gets better as it goes along.
I don’t hate them hate them. They have their fair share of problems that has been mentioned over and over that I don’t think I need to discuss. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy some aspects of them. Shocking I know, go ahead, revoke my movie card. Admist all the crap, there were times they got it right. That’s what saddens me about the prequels. And it was always too little, too late, like I’d be emotionally cold through out episode 1 but then it comes to life at the end with an awesome, beautifully choreographed lightsaber duel with Darth Maul. (Who they should have never killed off that early). It was like, “Wake up! We are really fighting for something important here! Crap! QUI GON!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!” Now Episode 2, for me, is the worst out of the bunch (maybe anything with ‘clone’ in the title is doomed) that movie IS A JOKE. But when it was first released, everyone was talking about the end when the little green messiah showed us what a true Jedi Master could do. I noticed how at first, that short but very sweet scene, seemed to have everyone (critics excluded) raving about episode 2, I suppose when they saw it again they realized that scene didn’t make up for the rest of the crap they had to go through to see it again. Episode 3 summed up the best and worst of the prequels. It’s clumsy and clunky, but yet again, came alive during the end with the Obi Wan Anakin confrontation. What breaks my heart about the prequels is we have glimpses of what could truly be great, but it’s always too little too late. I agree that Lucas needs a good writer/director, but shoot, if his ego allowed second opinions and a great editor, he might have been able to pull it off, referencing the process he went through to make A New Hope.
I saw the prequels, can live without them, don’t care to ever see them again. But they didn’t kill the franchise for me, only broke my heart. This movie was the nail in the coffin.
And Jesus Ken, my covers been blown, thanks!
Return of the Jedi was the phantom menace for what the franchise would become.
There’s a bunch of Ziro love going on here. Perhaps they should have just made a Star Wars Gangster flick. The rise and fall of Ziro the hutt, his double crossings, and secret affair with Count Dooku. It couldn’t be any worse than this movie.
if his ego allowed second opinions and a great editor, he might have been able to pull it off, referencing the process he went through to make A New Hope.
Do you not remember him “defending” Episode II? (Now, that was a film I liked better than you obviously do — though I’m told I wouldn’t like it if I tried sitting through it again, and I’m content to accept that without experimentation.) At the time, Lucas addressed fan criticism by essentially taking a too-bad-if-you-don’t-like-it approach, saying it was the film he “had to make.” This is not the tone of someone who is open to input.
There’s a bunch of Ziro love going on here. Perhaps they should have just made a Star Wars Gangster flick. The rise and fall of Ziro the hutt, his double crossings, and secret affair with Count Dooku. It couldn’t be any worse than this movie.
I think it’s less love than it’s the fact that Ziro is the only living thing in the movie. Still, you may be onto something. I have a friend who does a great Ziro impression with dialogue from A Streetcar Named Desire, in which he says, “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers, Count Dooku.” Now, if we can just get Count Dooku in a t-shirt yelling, “Ziro!” we’d have something.
I got more laughs out of ten minutes of Ziro the Hutt than I got out of the entirety of Step Brothers. Sure, they were laughs of the unintentional variety, but laughs nonetheless.
Like Ken said in regards to Ziro being “the only living thing in the movie,” it’s true. For a movie obviously directed towards kids, his character’s the only bit of tangible fun in the whole film.