Superhero Movie

About all I can say in defense of Superhero Movie is that it isn’t quite as horrific as Epic Movie (2007) and it isn’t quite as steeped in lazy pop-culture references as Meet the Spartans (2008). The emphasis on “quite” is there for a reason, since this doesn’t mean the movie never flirts with being flat-out terrible. It does manage to be a mostly painless affair, which is saying something when you take its pedigree into account. If you’ve seen any of these Movie movies, then you already know what you’re getting into: a parade of people getting hit in the head with random objects, fart jokes and cleavage. If you haven’t seen one of these movies, please, gouge your eyes out if you ever come close to one.

The only real point of interest in this whole thing is the fact that it’s pretty much the fault of one man, Craig Mazin, who wrote and directed the film all by his lonesome. Mazin also had a hand in writing David Zucker’s (one of this film’s producers) Scary Movie 3 (2003) and Scary Movie 4 (2006), easily the best—or at any rate, least agonizing—of such flicks. This is opposed to the work of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the men responsible for helping to write the first two Scary Movies (2000 and 2001), Date Movie (2006) and other assorted abominations. Thankfully, this film is absent of any truly painful pop-culture nods—they are there, they’re just not slapping you in the head. Superhero Movie more closely resembles Zucker’s Naked Gun series.

The plot is inconsequential, taking the storyline of the now 6-year-old Spider-Man film and substituting a teen (Drake Bell, Yours, Mine and Ours) who’s bitten by a mutant dragonfly. But this doesn’t matter, seeing as the movie’s just an excuse for “wackiness” and the spoofing of superhero movies. The problem is Mazin seems to have only seen Spider-Man and heard about X-Men (2000) from a friend, since these are the only two movies that get tackled. When the movie isn’t spoofing the aforementioned two films, we get to see Bell fall into animal excrement, be humped by varying wildlife, vomit into a fish tank, and watch Leslie Nielsen’s character walk around accompanied by fart sound effects. And this is just in the first half-hour.

If that kind of class isn’t enough, for your moviegoing buck you also get a running gag involving torturing Stephen Hawking (Robert Joy, The Hills Have Eyes). The Hawking character is stung by bees, has coffee poured on his lap, and is also thrown over a ledge, unable to do anything about it because of his handicap. How many of those who would pay money to see Superhero Movie even know who Stephen Hawking is to begin with? Additionally, there are mentions of Britney Spears (like this is still somehow original or topical), references to Facebook and YouTube and a slew of other jokes that just don’t make any sense, like one involving a character who is so obsessed with technology he carries around a nose-hair clipper called an “iPick.” I guess this is what traipses around as social satire these days.

At 85 minutes, the movie at least moves along quickly enough and doesn’t overstay its already dubious welcome by too long. It could actually teach a lot of comedies about the meaning of the word “brevity.” The movie serves as a good lesson to bad movies as a whole, really. If Hollywood insists on making them, the least they can do is get them over with quickly; it would be kind of like yanking off a Band-Aid. Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content, comic violence, drug references and language.