UN helicopter crashes into French Broad River

A United Nations reconnaissance helicopter ran afoul of a militia dirigible over Asheville yesterday and fell into the French Broad River, according to a story in the April 1 WNC Paranoiac — the official newsletter of Citizens Against Anything Not Taught in Vacation Bible School, a watchdog group seeking to slow the pace of human evolution.

The copter pilot was rescued and placed in a re-education program at a local compound.

The helicopter was engaged in a covert operation ordered by President Bill “Old Man Zipper” Clinton.

Miffed at “King” Cong. Charles Taylor‘s veto of his Heritage Rivers Program, Clinton had planned to enlarge the Mount Mitchell Biosphere Reserve to include the French Broad River, its tributaries, and any water that might fall into the river or its tributaries — now or at any time in the next 500 million years. Thus, the UN would eventually control the entire planet’s water supply — without a vote by the people or their duly elected representatives, ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

But the evil plan was foiled — for the time being — by the Git Off My Property Rights militia group.

Using stealth technology, the sleek black UN helicopter was hovering over the river so the pilot could catch a few catfish, when the GOMPR dirigible, held aloft solely by heated rhetoric, spotted the violation of air-head space and fired a warning shot over the copter’s bow. The startled pilot apparently hit the “down” button instead of the “up” one and landed in the soup.

The militant pilot attempted to land the blimp on the river’s surface and capsized.

The Woodfin Police Department fired on the pilots until they swam to shore, where a dragoon of militiamen hauled them off to a secret area compound.

In accordance with covert-operations procedure, the copter vanished as soon as the mission was detected, and the pilot said he couldn’t remember anything except that he had been fishing.

The FBI, ATF and state and local law-enforcement agents said they found a Whopper wrapper, the rental video “Fly Away Home,” and a receipt from Wal-Mart for trail mix and batteries in the blimp, which was recovered when it became stuck in the MSD intake pipe.

In a hastily organized press conference, Rep. Taylor unveiled an ambitious plan to make DEA helicopters available to anglers in the 11th Congressional District. “These copters are already included in the DEA budget, and will thus require no new taxes or Congressional appropriations,” said Taylor. “If you or any of your friends need a copter to ply the waters of those hard-to-reach fishing holes, just contact my office. We do not need another bloated administrative program from the failed Clinton administration to bring good hover-fishing to the fine folks of western North Carolina.”

In a stridently worded rebuttal, RiverLink derided Taylor’s hover-fishing plan and demanded that western North Carolinians turn over their property to the UN. “We’ll get a lot more than copters from the Heritage Program,” promised RiverLink spokesperson Gill Finn. “We’ll also get federally subsidized bait.”

About Webmaster
Mountain Xpress Webmaster Follow me @MXWebTeam

Before you comment

The comments section is here to provide a platform for civil dialogue on the issues we face together as a local community. Xpress is committed to offering this platform for all voices, but when the tone of the discussion gets nasty or strays off topic, we believe many people choose not to participate. Xpress editors are determined to moderate comments to ensure a constructive interchange is maintained. All comments judged not to be in keeping with the spirit of civil discourse will be removed and repeat violators will be banned. See here for our terms of service. Thank you for being part of this effort to promote respectful discussion.

Leave a Reply

To leave a reply you may Login with your Mountain Xpress account, connect socially or enter your name and e-mail. Your e-mail address will not be published. All fields are required.