In a revolutionary scientific breakthrough, scientists at the Asheville Chakra Center have discovered a free, unlimited source of power, dubbed “cosmoelectric.”
“During morning meditation one day, we were pondering how hydroelectric plants use running water to generate electricity,” said Dr. R.U. Vedic, “when we realized that the future is constantly flowing through the present into the past, just like a rushing stream.”
The scientists set about harnessing this omnipresent power, and, after years of labor, discovered that time from the future can be constricted as it flows through the present using a cosmic weir, to which metaphysical turbines can be attached — and cosmoelectric power was born.
“Although the equipment required to move humans or machinery or to generate power is quite complex, the principle is very simple,” said Dr. N. Cents, a colleague of Vedic’s at the Chakra Center. “Go outside and stand with your arms spread wide. If you pay close attention, you will feel the winds of time flowing through your present moment in their headlong rush to the past. When we say, ‘Be here now,’ we are saying constrict the flow of time to a focused moment. It can be very moving, just as buses are moving. And no pollution.”
The scientists have built a prototype cosmoelectric vibrator, and have drawn some mental sketches of a cosmo-powered yogurt maker. “We want to start with very practical devices and avoid controversial gadgets, such as smart bombs and the like,” said Cents.
Unfortunately, the U.S. Department of Defense has filed a lawsuit to seize the patent for cosmoelectric power in the national interest. “If this awesome power falls into the wrong hands, it could be disastrous,” said DOD spokesman Stan Tall. “We have intercepted reports that the Libyans have airlifted whole herds of sheep in cosmoelectric experiments. And word on the streets has it that Saddam’s engineers are hard at work on an intercontinental cosmoelectric missile, capable of delivering a 10-ton payload of waste oil. That wouldn’t be a pretty sight, landing in a populated American city.”
The Chakra Center scientists plan to fight for their patent rights all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court, if necessary. “We are the ones who harnessed the awesome flow of time,” said Vedic. “Ours is the only vibrator working without batteries or a cord; our case rests on this fundamental fact, and we shall prevail in time.”