City sells Vance Monument for $1 billion

In a surprise move, Asheville City Council came out of closed session on April 1 to announce the sale of the Vance Monument for $1 billion.

“This is a great day for the city,” said Vice Mayor Ed Hayword. “With that money, we can build a Six Flags over Asheville at Richmond Hill — and still have enough left over to buy that golf course on the French Broad.”

“Heck, we’ll have enough money to redirect the path of the French Broad, so it doesn’t flood the golf course ever again,” declared Council member Timmy Soldem.

But who’s the big kahuna with the bag of bucks?

None other than Star Wars producer George Lucas. Reached via satellite at his new lunar mansion, Lucas remarked, “It’s no big deal, really. I’m going to beam the monument up here to the moon, where I’ve built a virtual-reality studio for my next film, Star Wars XV.” Lucas says he can afford to buy the monolith because he doesn’t have to pay actors anymore: He uses computer-generated, “virtual” people in all his new films.

He wouldn’t disclose what he plans to use the monument for.

Asheville Mayor Leni Parknik opposed the sale, complaining, “We’re going to miss that big obelisk when it’s gone. I mean, where can you get another one that size?”

Council member Chucky Dillinger also voted against selling the monument, remarking, “We coulda got a lot more for that big piece of rock. I asked Council to let my guys talk to Lucas, but they didn’t go for it.”

Dillinger and Parknik were outgunned: Hayword’s motion to sell the monument was backed by Council members Soldem, P.T. Times, Barb Roadway and Count Cobb.

“We’ll be able to widen that Patton-and-Biltmore intersection for the first time in decades,” said Roadway. “We’re going to sell the water fountain, too, so the new I-240 link can zip right through town, without the cars getting wet. Our architects will also figure out how to suspend a pedestrian bridge beneath the structure, so people can have a place to walk in the shade,” she added.

Other planned uses for the windfall include: building 10 baseball fields (at the end of the runways at Asheville Airport); hiring Lucas to design virtual horse-drawn carriages to carry center-city kids out to the ballfields; converting half the city’s 400 miles of streets to hiking trails; converting the other half to linear parking lots; adding 10 underground levels to the Civic Center parking deck; and buying cushions for all the chairs in Council’s second-floor chamber room.

To raise still more money, Council members were also debating whether to rent their chambers out for lunch-time aerobics classes. But before making such a historic decision, they voted unanimously to commission a $1 million study of the proposal’s feasibility.

SHARE

Thanks for reading through to the end…

We share your inclination to get the whole story. For the past 25 years, Xpress has been committed to in-depth, balanced reporting about the greater Asheville area. We want everyone to have access to our stories. That’s a big part of why we've never charged for the paper or put up a paywall.

We’re pretty sure that you know journalism faces big challenges these days. Advertising no longer pays the whole cost. Media outlets around the country are asking their readers to chip in. Xpress needs help, too. We hope you’ll consider signing up to be a member of Xpress. For as little as $5 a month — the cost of a craft beer or kombucha — you can help keep local journalism strong. It only takes a moment.

About Webmaster
Mountain Xpress Webmaster Follow me @MXWebTeam

Before you comment

The comments section is here to provide a platform for civil dialogue on the issues we face together as a local community. Xpress is committed to offering this platform for all voices, but when the tone of the discussion gets nasty or strays off topic, we believe many people choose not to participate. Xpress editors are determined to moderate comments to ensure a constructive interchange is maintained. All comments judged not to be in keeping with the spirit of civil discourse will be removed and repeat violators will be banned. See here for our terms of service. Thank you for being part of this effort to promote respectful discussion.

Leave a Reply

To leave a reply you may Login with your Mountain Xpress account, connect socially or enter your name and e-mail. Your e-mail address will not be published. All fields are required.