(HUMOR) Lessons learned from Helene

Editor’s note: The following story is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. This is a satirical piece that is not meant to be taken seriously. Happy New Year. 

Tropical Storm Helene was really, really bad. But mental health professionals tell us it’s really, really good to look for silver linings whenever possible. So, no, the disaster wasn’t all terrible as it gave us these 11 insights into human behavior and the world around us that will make us more resilient going forward.

1. Your spooky/suspicious neighbors are actually really cool (and also thought you were spooky/suspicious)
   Everyone is basically Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window, but now we’ve accepted and even embraced it and don’t mind loaning each other eggs or a cup of sugar when the need arises.
2. Everyone slept through driver’s education
   With power out and the bulk of Asheville-area traffic lights not functioning immediately following the storm, intersections became dangerous free-for-alls rather than four-way stops. But if it’s too much to expect folks to use turn signals during normal times, why would this challenge prove any different?
3. The French Broad River is even dirtier than we thought
   From toxic mud to debris hanging way up in trees, it’s clear people don’t give a hoot and love to pollute. Shout-out to those who’ve never dipped a toe into this literal cesspool — and still have all 10 toes to prove it.
4. Physical media is the greatest thing ever
   Once power was restored around Western North Carolina, the “Netflix and chill” crowd and the Spotify contingent were in for a rude awakening as streaming providers waited for internet service to return. But those of us who’ve sunk our life’s savings into Blu-rays and vinyl records had the last laugh — and something to do besides wallow in existential misery.
5. Cash still exists
   The irony of a largely cashless city suddenly only accepting greenbacks was one of the cruelest pranks of all time. And even if you remembered where the closest ATM was located and recalled how to operate one, the machines’ need for power rendered them as obsolete as, well, cash pre-Helene.
6. Local officials love The Ten Commandments
   In the initial week of Buncombe County government’s twice-daily briefings, everyone’s favorite word to describe Helene’s destruction was “biblical.” Sure, Cecil B. DeMille’s Moses epic is a good movie, but were there no Stars Wars fans on the county payroll to call the damage “galactic,” or a Lord of the Rings die-hard to say it was “Sauron-esque”? Do better.
7. People will believe anything
   Weather-controlling machines? Intentional flooding? FEMA money going to illegal immigrants and Ukraine? Start planning your conspiracy theories for the NEXT natural disaster now!
8. Chuck Edwards is a man of integrity (for about 20 seconds)
   The U.S. Congressman (NC-11) was quick to shut down claims that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is a bunch of layabouts. But when his overlords, U.S. House Speaker Mike Johnson and president-elect Donald Trump, came to town to talk smack about FEMA and Democrats, Chucky stayed mum. On the plus side, we got to witness a human backbone disappearing in real time.
9. Elon Musk has some good ideas  
   Without random neighbors willing to share their Starlink satellite internet service, communication would have been far worse in October as mobile phone and internet service providers struggled to restore access. MuskNet will almost certainly become mandatory once Trump takes office, but we’ll cherish the good old days when this novelty allowed us to enjoy the little things, like letting friends and loved ones know that we were still alive.
10. Shelby needs to get its act together
    A thruway for anyone heading east while stretches of I-40 and I-26 were closed, the small city in Cleveland County stoked refugees’ fears of running out of gas while being stuck in traffic via inexplicable delays. The longer one is stranded there, the more one can’t help but quote the line “Drink your juice, Shelby,” from Steel Magnolias, and there’s only so much the mind can handle.
11. Not all bottled water is created equally
    Dasani this, Evian that — people developed favorites real fast and, while they weren’t about to turn down a free case of H20, some labels were met with more enthusiasm than others. Rankings and reviews soon appeared on social media extolling the virtues of some surprise options, such as Walmart’s Great Value house brand. How long until someone opens Asheville’s first craft bottled water bar?