Dear Arnold,
My daughter recently broke up with her boyfriend. Now, he’s stalking her and has creeped her out on more than one occasion. What can we do to handle the situation?
—Dave
Dear Dave,
That’s an easy problem to fix. Invite him over for a party. The party supplies should be the following: heavy-duty trash bags, a shovel, some duct tape, a bag of lime and a place out in the middle of nowhere to bury something discreetly. Give me a call, I’d be more than happy to help.
Dear Arnold,
Our 16-year-old daughter wants to marry her 18-year-old boyfriend. She seems determined, but we think she’s way too young. What can we do to change her mind?
— Jessica
Dear Jessica,
I don’t see the problem. Sixteen is prime breeding age. And if she can drive a car, she can work a stove or push a vacuum. She’ll be fine. If you’re worried about maturity, just have her shoot out a litter of brats and she’ll go from the age of 16 to 40 in no time.
Before you comment
The comments section is here to provide a platform for civil dialogue on the issues we face together as a local community. Xpress is committed to offering this platform for all voices, but when the tone of the discussion gets nasty or strays off topic, we believe many people choose not to participate. Xpress editors are determined to moderate comments to ensure a constructive interchange is maintained. All comments judged not to be in keeping with the spirit of civil discourse will be removed and repeat violators will be banned. See here for our terms of service. Thank you for being part of this effort to promote respectful discussion.