Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 02/27/08

Fluoride skeptics prompt city to alter chemical makeup of municipal water

Scott Spanks, Asheville’s Water Resources Director, fears the flouride debate will create a skewed perception of how city water is treated.

ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — A recent presentation to City Council members by a group of concerned citizens regarding the usefulness and potential dangers of including fluoride in the city’s water supply has led to a series of changes, according to city workers.

“In addition to fluoride, we will be adding 10 parts of Xanax per million to help alleviate fluoride-anxiety in the city,” said Water Resources Director Scott Spanks.

Spanks, who describes his job as “one part information sharing, two parts tinkering,” said anyone in the city who feels a nice body buzz on Tuesday afternoons after drinking a tall glass of water is already familiar with his work.

“I put a little animal tranquilizer in the mix on Tuesdays to help pull this city through its work week,” said Spanks. “Thursdays, for a lot of people, subconsciously seem ‘speedy’ or ‘racey’ or ‘rushy,’ but for me, I call it job satisfaction. I also call it ‘H-2-Whoa.’”

Scott Spanks, Asheville’s Water Resources Director, fears the flouride debate will create a skewed perception of how city water is treated.

Municipal workers say they debated whether or not to pull the fluoride temporarily and replace it with a tooth-rotting level of high-fructose corn syrup just to make their point.

Ultimately, however, they elected to add Xanax to the water supply, followed by a round of flunitrazepam (also known as “roofies,” in City Council parlance) to help everyone forget about the fluoride debate in the first place.

“Once we have regained our bearings, we will steadily increase the Adderall concentration in the water — currently at very low levels — to help city residents pay attention to the fact that our fluoride levels are helpful and safe,” said Spanks. On this year’s April Fool’s Day, the city will create a “thick, beef-water mix” to be pumped into city homes to play a friendly joke on Asheville vegetarians, followed on the second day of April by another round of flunitrazepam.

Bellamy releases short-list of potential sister-city sites

The mayor’s list, as posted on Travelocity.com:

Cancun (“Would like to attend mayoral body-shot conference there in March.”)

Cannes, France (“They can help us with our film festival.”)

Prague (“Sounds like cool place to visit but I’m not married to the idea.”)

Atlanta (“Sorry! Bellamy family function scheduled there in July — can change to either Paris or Prague if needed.”)

Beijing (“Only if picked before start of Olympics.”)

Paris (“We can compare notes on Cannes.”)

Hollywood, California (“They can help us with our film festival.”)

• “No rinky-dink towns, please — Sick of visiting Asheville-sized cities.”

• “Anywhere on the moon or something.”

I’m so gonna downward-dog your ass!

When it comes to yoga, honey, I’m one Ashtanga crazy beyatch throwing my Sun Salutation all up in ya face.

Don’t you come in here posin’ because up in this Y, we yoga tough. This ain’t your mamma’s yoga, this is extreme yoga.

Monkey pose … bam! Flying Crow pose … bam! That’s right. I’m not even spilling my latte. You scared now? You should be.

Uh oh … Upward Facing Dog … bam! That’s right. I’m doing the dog. Uh oh … did you hurt yourself? Why don’t you take a break and see how the big girls play.

Why don’t you sit there and watch me reach a state of perfect peace? Check it out … Bam! Peace! Right there. Just reached it. I reach inner peace faster than any of these chumps circular breathing in here. I got so much inner peace it’s shooting out my nose. But I’m not done yet … oh no. Lotus pose … bam! Headstand pose … bam!

How’s that? You’re like all upside down and stuff. Firefly pose… bam! Baby, look at me. I’m a firefly. My ass is lighting up and I’m flying around in my backyard on my peace wings. Damn, I’m good.

Give it up, honey. Why don’t you try some Jazzersize or something, because in here, yoga is for the big girls. Loka Samastha Sukhino Bhavanthu – Chump!

News Briefs

Medford attorney claims ‘Hot Dog King’ gambling evidence contains 3% rodent excrement

Newly initiated gang member regretting old ‘Squeal Now, Laugh Later’ chest tattoo

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A weekly restaurant review

This week, The After-Dinner Mint pays a visit to The Flaming Kabob.

Ambiance: Inoffensive and unremarkable. Two Stars.

Appetizer: Unassuming if not bland. One Star.

Entrée: Had its moments, but not enough of them. Two Stars.

Dessert: I opted to desert it rather than consume it. One Star.

Service: Intermittent, inattentive, insolent. No Stars.

After-dinner mint: Five Stars! Yes five on a scale of four! This was no Andes mint, no Brach’s wrapped disgrace, no ubiquitous buttermint. Hardly. It was an explosion of flavors dancing along my pallet like a Russian ballet. A cascade of sweet delights thrashing the pleasure from my tongue like a hurricane of simultaneous orgasms crashing together in cataclysmic unison. As I now drag my limp and sweat-drenched body to my word processor to vainly attempt to recapture the intensity of this minty jubilee, this after-dinner wonderment in mere words, I find any phraseology completely inadequate. Friends, I am a better man for having eaten this mint: closer to God and to the true meaning of existence. My now-white hair and stooped posture were a fair if cheap price to pay for this after-dinner epiphany. If it costs you your very life, YOU MUST EAT THIS MINT!

Price: Steep for the portions. Two Stars.

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