Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 03/19/08

Catch-and-release outdoors program getting mixed reviews from minorities

OUTDOORS, MONDAY — After a report released from the Outdoor Industry Association suggested that 8 out of 10 (nearly 4 out of 5!) people engaging in outdoor recreation were white, the white people who read Outdoor Industry Association reports were troubled.

The statistics were startling and raised questions such as, “Why wouldn’t nonwhite people want to go into remote outdoor areas filled with camouflaged white people armed with sniper rifles?”

Clara Gonzales, above, adjusts to her new environment in the Pisgah National Forest moments after being tricked near her neighborhood tienda and relocated by outdoorsy white people.

The answer seemed obvious — because whites go indoors only to purposefully misinform the minorities they find there about the outdoors.

“When was the last time you saw an advertisement for blackwater rafting?” asked Gavin Henson, a whitewater rafting guide who lives and works in Hot Springs.

In addition to the white people who performed the study and the white people who read the study, other white people decided that if you can’t bring minorities to the outdoors, then you must bring the outdoors to minorities. That was really hard, so they went back to their first idea: bringing minorities to the outdoors.

“Where am I?”

The first several minutes a minority is in the woods can be disorienting for everyone involved. The Hispanic, African-American or Asian-American is shaking off the effects of heavy tranquilizers and trying to locate the opening of a gunny sack from its darkened interior.

The group of white people who baggedand- tagged the minority must quickly leave the area, well aware that the presence of four whites and a minority will not improve the dire current statistics.

“Go fish!”

Once free, the minority sees the same whites who snuck up on him or her back in civilization, only now they are fleeing, shouting over their shoulders, “Enjoy the wild animals!” “Break your collarbone on a dirtbike!” and other outdoorsy words of encouragement.

After that, the minority must acclimate to being surrounded by large woody statue-like things.

“It wasn’t until I was encouraged to do so by white people that I really looked at a tree for the first time,” said Scott Xiau, a secondgeneration Chinese-American marketing major at UNCA. “I thought I’d get in trouble, but everyone was really cool. I mean, I freaked out when I noticed that white people were hiding up in the trees with guns, but it’s not like they were shooting at me. Unless I kept scaring the deer away, they said.”

Others are more philosophical.

“I still don’t like the outdoors,” said Alice Baker, an African-American business owner. “But at least now I am more informed in my belief that it is dirty and boring.”




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Dear Arnold,
What is the best way to go about getting my child home-schooled so they won’t be “educated” by our government’s (or, as I like to say, “God-ernment”) brainwashing propaganda?

I don’t want the FBI coming after me when my child stops going to the “re-education camps” they call “public schools.”

When will other lemming-hearted massmedia- swilling sheeple wake up to our God-erment’s brainwashing plans?
—Awaken the Masses

Dear Awaken the Masses,
Finally! A parent who’s making sense. I could not agree more. The government has been overrun with God-hating commie-loving hippie freaks since Kennedy took office.

Did you know they are putting same-sex love drugs in our meat? It’s true. They’re trying to make everyone of us light in our loafers so they can all get married and snort marijuana paid for by my tax dollars!

I’m still eating meat though because that’s all I eat. But now I have to block out those thoughts the government’s been making me have about my hunting buddy Earl.

You’ll never get me to do that with him, Big Godernment!


Mountain X classifieds rock!

When our highly artistic photography studio and online distribution service needed to hire the best amateur models in WNC on a parttime freelance basis, we only considered one outlet — Mountain Xpress. We were literally flooded with NSFW resumes after running just one ad:

Models Needed

Two female models wanted. Preferably one Asian and one blonde. Must be flexible and enjoy pudding. Must have own snorkel, hand sanitizing gel and pancho. Must be able to be paid in seafood. Sign language skills is a plus.

Send pictures in jpeg format.

No non-nudity shots please.

We received photos from hundreds of flexible pancho-clad Asians and pudding-loving snorkel-wearing blondes! Thank you, Ron, owner/operator of Ron’s Specialty Fetish Outlet.

Thanks Xpress!


Each week, Hot Spot Harriet tackles the issues in…

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This week’s topic:
Gossiping


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“I’m strongly agin’ it, but you know who’s fur it? Deb down at the BP. You didn’t hear that from me.”


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