Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 04/09/08

Downtown donation boxes success for Obama campaign

Over $100,000 raised for ‘real change’

ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — At Asheville’s Obama campaign headquarters, an excited and highly motivated volunteer staff counts out the take from the “Spare Change for Real Change” boxes that have dotted Asheville’s streets for the last several months.

“That’s 97, 98 — $10,000,” an Obama campaign worker calls out to a chorus of cheers.

Members of the Downtown Business Association that distributed the boxes around Asheville are also pleased with the results.

“People were giving money directly to the homeless, and though that helped them out for a few hours, it wasn’t real change,” said Dwight Butner, who championed the box installations. “Obama is the candidate of change, and people have entrusted him by putting their change in our boxes.” Butner says that it is the catchy slogan that has spurred Asheville residents to give. “‘Spare Change for Real Change,’ resonates with downtown shoppers. It’s not this fake change you see when people directly tackle societal problems.”

One downtown pedestrian who stopped to read the box thought the collection boxes were a good idea as he fished around in his pockets and slid a handful of coins into the open slot. “It makes more sense to give money to a candidate so that he can continue campaigning for the rest of the year in hopes of becoming president and then, slowly over time, try to work with a belligerent Congress to pass watered-down reforms than to just give the money directly to the people who need it.” The Hillary Clinton campaign has taken note of Obama’s successful “Spare Change for Real Change” fundraising success and has leased Asheville’s parking meters in a bid to raise money.

“We want car-parkers everywhere to contribute to our Campaign,” said one Hillary! worker. “For $15,000, you can extend Clinton’s campaign seven minutes. For $25,000, you can keep her parked for 15 minutes.”

Shocking facts from the new Jesse Helms biography:

• Married to Dot Helms, but secretly in love with her sister, Dash.

• Sesame Street character “Rotten Old Bigot” loosely based on him.

• Unique speech affectation due to repeated oral gratification of tobacco execs.

• Wussed out on suicide pact with Jim Hunt.

• “White guy loses job to black guy” political ad was based on true events, except for … OK , all of it.

• Modeled for several Robert Mapplethorpe photos.

• Faked having crossed eyes.

• Considered using the same taxidermist/ ventriloquist team that served Strom Thurmond’s final two Senate terms.

• Often applied suntan lotion liberally.

News Briefs:

Local Boy Scout troop unprepared for flag theft, ironically

Aspiring community organizer decides to first tackle kitchen junk-drawer

‘Night sticking the Tibetan’ added to Beijing Olympic events

Raul Castro: Political imprisonment now includes continental breakfast

The Rule of Law

A survival economy creates variables, suspicion, community, green space, vagina warriors and hope


First of all, I want to announce that I am not a hysterical revisionist — so why do some people love land? As a 3rd-degree Gardnerian, the second-most important subject not talked about is Israel.

Two of Duke Energy’s coal plants have united to reclaim our power and that goes double for the Baba Yaga. We cannot integrate the highest possible standards of transparency that forbid women to talk about their vaginas.

In the secret language of Witches, backroom decision-making monomaniacs monopolize modesty, air-raid drills and the recent county-zoning notifications.

How many oxygen-making trees have been permanently displaced by voter performance (via education)? Most climatechange scenarios predict that I’m an expert because I go barefoot pretty much 24/7 and have done so for many years.

Here’s how Wolfe described what happened in 1932: “It stands for ‘Victory, Valentine and Vagina.’”

Inert impermeables? Inquisitions and jihads. When intelligent Pagans push back against state-level government risk-management measures, you sustain your agenda to maximize the public’s access to a bear cycle of paranoid pessimism.

The equation is fairly simple: tangible, material conditions such as mud pies and animal habitats will slow the unfettered rush of vaginas who speak out from the stage about their experiences and preferences and apply it to the Democratic Party.

We need aggressive efficiency, shoes and physical love in the sunshine of public scrutiny. Big coal and nuclear plants can’t even whisper the word “vagina.”

Plus, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the woods I grew up in. In other words, more transparency creates more citizens on the right, left and center who share a 7,000- foot boundary with the public’s lack of comprehension.

In conclusion, the faltering economy creates the impression that Internet polls protect the upper Mills River watershed, completely restructure the ratepayer’s vagina warriors and help enforce a total blackout.

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