Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 05/07/08

Introductory remarks that did not make it to the final draft of the Medford defense team’s opening statement to the jury:

• “This town just wasn’t big enough for one Bobby Medford.”

• “I have reasonable doubt that you’re not 12 paid actors pretending to be a jury.”

• “If you decide to send my client — a physically weakened, elderly former law enforcement officer with a drug, cigarette and gambling problem — to jail with the very criminals he helped put away, I have no doubt he’ll take it like a man, a lot.”

• “Look, shaking down a bunch of rednecks ain’t right, but it ain’t federally wrong.”

• “How did we get to this point? Besides all the crimes and evidence. I mean, philosophically—what are we doing here?”

• “The odds of hitting a $100,000 jackpot on a Harrah’s slot machine is about 10 million to one. I’d kill for those odds right now, but instead I’m plugging quarters into Bobby Medford’s defense.”

• “Well, lookie here, the federal government wants to tell us hardworking people how to run Buncombe County.”

• “Does a criminal mastermind run a large financial racket and manage his money so poorly that he still has to live like a pauper? Does my client look like a mastermind?”

• “I made sure to get paid by my client in advance, so I don’t have a stake here, folks. My man’s innocent.”

• “Go to the bookstore, go to the ‘How-to’ section and look under ‘S-H-E.’ Look all you want, but there’s no instruction manual on how to be a sheriff. Wish there was. She-males got it made, but tough luck if you’re a sheriff.”

• “Maybe life isn’t about the choices you make.”

• “I am bound by attorney-client confidentiality, but one day, when my client is dead, I’ll tell the 12 of you some stories that will turn your hair white. Just take note when I pull my earlobe during this trial, this trial that is nothing but a frame-job on my innocent client. Man, my ear itches.”

• “Money don’t grow on trees, folks. Maybe that’s why stealing trees is about the only thing they haven’t charged my client with.”

• “You ever give CPR to a mannequin, and suddenly it just comes to life, starts running around and a jury finds it innocent? Welcome to my world.”

• “What is it about being presented with rock-solid proof that sometimes makes us jump to crazy conclusions?”

• “Go home tonight and eat a fistful of pain pills and see how easy it is for you to think straight. Look at my client. For the 12 years he was sheriff, he took advice from a two-headed turtle who lives in the purple meadows of Planet Zulu.”

• “Either my client is, 1) a dirty sheriff, or 2) the dumbest damn man you ever met, the worst sorry no-account bumbling excuse of a sheriff, a total knucklehead too stupid to see all of these crimes happening in his own department, committed across his very desk by his own friends and colleagues; I’m talking a real waste of space here, folks, a complete failure in his professional field, a joke of a law enforcement officer, incompetent and worthless and of no value to the county or any of its residents he was utterly unable to protect from his own nefarious deputies and lieutenants. During the course of this trial, I will redeem my client’s bruised reputation by proving he is not a dirty sheriff.”


Surprising developments and revelations in Bobby Medford case:

• Defense plans to make a sweeping indictment of local check-cashing regulations.

• Bobby is more likely to be found not guilty than he is of ever coming within a country mile of hitting par at the city golf course.

• Medford sat in the car while deputies cashed his checks around town. He also sat in the car while deputies washed his car.

• When he took the stand, the disgraced sheriff tried to plug a Harrah’s Total Rewards card into the witness stand.

• He recycled all the brown paper money-bags given to him.

• Jackie Shepherd paid $30,000 dollars for Bobby Medford’s speech coach and didn’t get a full refund and a sincere apology from the speech coach after the lessons.

• The witnesses have formed a betting pool.

• Apparently, gas stations made illegal payouts on video poker machines.

• Medford was banking on all the evidence, per tradition, being stolen by law enforcement officials long before the trial.

• Before the Hot Dog King agreed to testify for the government, Medford released an overheated Labrador with muddy paws into the Theodossis household, but the symbolism was hopelessly lost on Demetre.

• Medford pleaded not guilty.

News Briefs:

Cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton polling higher than Hillary Clinton

Mars Inc. buys Wrigley’s gum: 4 of 5 dentists disapprove

Police raid polygamist ranch after crank call “Mike Hunt” still not located

Surprising moments from Michelle Obama’s recent campaign stop at UNCA

• Made Barack stand off-stage the entire time, holding her purse.

• Gave an uptempo earth-moving rendition of Aretha Franklin’s “Respect,” but created awkward moment when she spelled it out “R-E-S-P-E-U-S-A-K-K-K-T.”

• Without referring to Hillary by name, she told the crowd that Barack’s opponent had the wrong kind of junk in her trunk.

• She inspired countless female students, who walked away with the belief that, one day, if they focus on their studies, they too could marry a presidential candidate.


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