Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 05/14/08

Local man’s sexual experimentation leads to advanced research:

MERRIMON AVENUE, MONDAY — After years of sexual experimentation,north Asheville resident Malcolm J. Clark has announced he is entering a stage of testing and analysis of his six-year study by conducting another round of trials.

“There is a margin of error and judgment I have taken into account, and now I must push these studies to the next level,” said Clark, pausing before entering the shower at his local gym to rework some formulas in a notebook as he sat naked in the crowded locker room, lost in scientific thought.

While Clark admits he is more of a hobbyist than a trained scientist, he says his research has become the central focus of his life.

“I’ll start my day’s research at noon, and, before I know it, I look up and realize I’ve been hammering away in the ol’ lab for 12 or 16 hours,” said Clark. “My lab assistants can’t keep up and, frankly, neither can my rubber gloves.”

Double-blind trials—during which a blindfolded Clark engaged several different study participants, as well as several vanilla placebos—have raised as many questions as they have answered.

“In just one single aspect of this sweeping personal overview of human sexuality, I have discovered that in 100 same-sex encounters, I only found ‘satisfaction’ in 50 of them, ‘great gratitude’ in 25 and ‘shame and remorse’ in the remaining 25,” said Clark. “Am I interested in same-sex encounters? Looking at the numbers, I just can’t tell.”

Clark states that he results are skewed due to factors beyond his control. “Toward the end of each experiment, I am losing objectivity and, at times, consciousness,” said Clark. “Additionally, as a result of my extremely experimental methodology, most of my data sources will not return my calls.”

“Peer review,” Clark adds with a sigh, “has been frustratingly elusive, as most turn their heads the second before I present my empirical findings.”

However, Clark says that if it takes the rest of his life, he is determined to find the answers he is searching for.

“My initial hypothesis that I am a completely straight, happily married man has yet to be proven or disproven, and so my quest continues.”

Ways to stimulate the economy with your $300 federal rebate check:

• Buy $300 scratch-off tickets and put them in savings.
• Go to the mall and throw six $50 bills in the air like you’re Floyd Mayweather.
• Pay down your credit card; I mean, buy 300 items off the McDonald’s dollar menu—you’re rich, baby!
• To get through the hard times, buy two ears of corn, one bag of rice, one wing and one prayer.
• Exchange it for a 10-Euro bill and hang on to that puppy.
• With local bookies setting the odds of Medford’s acquittal at 1000-to-1 (slightly higher than Vegas’ 980-to-1), you’ve got to let $300 ride on Medford because if he beats the odds, after he takes his cut from local bookies, you’ll walk with a cool $500.

This week’s Different Ideas for Cool New Superpowers

Ability to change a seemingly rational human being into a completely irrational Ron Paul supporter.

Strengths: You’ll be able to win any political argument, as your enemy will be incapacitated by his nonsensical ramblings that he somehow relates to “the Constitution.”

Weaknesses: If overused, this superpower may result in a nation of actual Ron Paul supporters. Ability to put broken rubber bands back together again.

Strengths: This superpower will prove extremely useful when engaging your enemy in a rubberband war.

Weaknesses: Your magically repaired rubber bands will be no match for your enemy’s fully functioning machine gun. Ability to turn a really lame girl into a really good beer.

Strengths: There will be a lot less really lame girls in the world and more really good beer. Also, all that time you used to spend drunkenly talking to lame girls can now be better spent
drunkenly attacking your enemy.

Weaknesses: Hangovers.