Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 08/01/07

Flag Police

Xpress Advertising

Dear business owner,

We are aware that you have many tough choices to make when it comes to spending your advertising dollars.

Making things even more confusing, there is now one more option available to you — the homeless advocacy newspaper, StreetSide.


Which newspaper is the best advertising vehicle for your business? We’ll let you decide.

• The Mountain Xpress powerfully cranks out a hefty 31,221 copies each week, while StreetSide only publishes a paltry 2,000 every other month (no wonder they’re homeless!)

• Whereas StreetSide is distributed by homeless people, the Xpress is distributed by formerly homeless people.

• Market research has indicated that 43% of Xpress readers intend on buying a large-ticket item in the next three months. StreetSide, on the other hand, uses unreliable market research that was anonymously donated to them.

• This month, several small business owners were shivved by StreetSide advertising representatives. An Xpress representative will never shiv you.

• More readers turn to the Xpress for its comprehensive calendar. StreetSide? No calendar.

• Trying to reach the elusive homeless demographic and think StreetSide might be the advertising outlet for you? Think again. More homeless people turn to the Xpress for their shelter and hygiene needs, and we have market research to back this up.

• The median household income of Xpress readers is $37,000. You know who doesn’t even have households? If you guessed StreetSide readers, you’re correct.

Mountain Xpress advertising: It works!

Dear Arnold,
My wife has been depressed lately. She’s home all day with the kids and complains that she never gets a break. I’d like to help her out, but I’m at work all day. Do you have any advice on what I can do?
– Stan

Dear Stan,
You know there’s this thing called “woman’s work.” Cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. Every time my wife gets all whiney, it’s because she’s not doing enough woman’s work. I get her a list of chores and send her on her way. It makes her happy. I tell her if she cleans real good, maybe I’ll let her give me some loving. Trust me, that’s a winner every time.

Dear Arnold,
When my children, ages 2 and 4, spend the night at their grandparents, they never sleep because they’re away from home. What can I do to make them feel comfortable when visiting the grandparents?
– Sally

Dear Sally,
As a child, my Grandma Ma made us a nighttime drink called Fairy Juice when we stayed with her; she said it was made from fairy squeezins but in reality it was just bourbon and barbital. Then she’d make us dance for her until we passed out on the floor. So you may want to suggest that to your parents. When we woke up on the floor the next morning, she gave another drink called Elf Juice. I don’t know what that was, but it knocked us out until our parents came to pick us up.

Local man finds holy image in potato chip

ASHEVILLE, MONDAY— An Asheville man is receiving worldwide attention and financial offers for a most unusual discovery he made recently in a bag of potato chips: the undeniable likeness of Pontius Pilate.

Holy Chips

The amazing Pontius Pilate chip, above, clearly stands out from the other normal chips.

“I wasn’t really looking at them as I was eating them,” said Scott Rollingsworth, 43. “But even out of the corner of my eye, I could see plain as day that this one chip was a dead-ringer for Pontius Pilate.”

Found likenesses of Pontius Pilate within otherwise ordinary objects are not uncommon around the world, but Rollingsworth’s chip stands out for the stunning clarity of Pilate’s image, easily seen by even the most skeptical of cynics.

“I know it’s just a chip, but it has made me a believer,” said Rollingsworth. “You can’t help but be moved by the ‘thumbsdown’ he can clearly be seen giving.”

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