Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 08/22/07

TigerWoods unveils design for new WNC course

News Briefs:

Pritchard Park drum circle to introduce all new material this weekend

Local artisan suffering from potter’s block

West Asheville Wachovia opens martini patio

Man browsing in Malaprop’s self-help section trying to keep a stiff upper lip
Lower lip trembling, however

Understanding Body Language

This week: The Gimme Five Game

One easy way for adults to communicate with their friends’ children is “giving five,” an act that is universally loved by children everywhere.

There are a few important unspoken messages that are transmitted during the Gimme Five game, such as:

Gimme Five: “I respect you and think you are cool enough to participate in adult activities such as giving five. I am friends with your parents and now consider you to be my friend as well.”

Up High: “Although quite short, your ability to jump is impressive to me. I acknowledge that both of us find this interaction to be mentally stimulating. I can see your parents out of the corner of my eye as they slink away to get another drink.”

Down Low: “You are welcome to demand without cessation my full attention for the rest of the time you are in my proximity. Also, I know you don’t care, but your parents are getting as far away as possible so that, by default, they have secured me as your babysitter.”

On the Side: “From now on, I will feed you and care for you and teach you right from wrong and discipline you and allow your parents to shirk these responsibilities and move to the other side of the yard to hang out with other adults around the grill like I want to do. I enjoy your incessant begging for more high fives, which I now must offer over and over although no amount will ever satisfy your unquenchable thirst for more high fives. Here’s to hoping your parents don’t presumptuously step in and attempt to calm you down or relieve me as your sole source of entertainment.”

Too Slow!: “With this deceptive move, I grant you permission to act like an abandoned orangutan and, furthermore, you may climb all over me as if I have a kitten and a big bunch of bananas on my head.”

Not pictured: “On the side” and “Too Slow!”

Your search for a 56-year-old divorced BBW is over

SWF seeks long-term dinner & partner. Love dinners on the beach, candle-lit dinners and holding hands and taking long dinners. 447323

Long-haired artist type

SWM, 41, in shape, enjoy wine, bicycling, good conversation and social events. Luxurious long brown hair flows down past shoulders (completely bald on top and front though). 159211

Must love puppies and flowers

SWM, 36, ISO SWF, preferably brunette but looks aren’t as important as personality (FYI, I have loads of both). Looking for the diamond in the rough. I love meeting parents, listening to long stories and planning out the future. No kids yet, but I’ll let you decide. Also looking for another SWF on the side, preferably blond, looks very important. Be the diamond or the rough, whatever. 433299

Looking for 2 hung playas

Open-minded middle seeks a top and a bottom. Hopeless romantic. 259926


As the lonely steep slope said to the humble home builder in the famous Hindi parable, “Namaste!”

Below are four statements clearly labeled as myths, and you decide if the myth represents the truth or a myth.

Myth #1: If my neighbor builds on the slope above my house, I will be plagued with runoff water and erosion.

False! If your neighbor’s home is looming above your own, consider yourself lucky that you have such a well-to-do and upstanding neighbor. Better than having to stand on the wraparound deck of your new slope-side second home and looking downhill at some puny home with a river of mud flowing past it, that’s for sure!

Myth #2: If somebody buys the land next to mine and cuts down all the trees, they are ruining my view in an attempt to improve their own.

Again, false! What do you want to see when you look out your window — old, dirty poor-people trees or brand-new, shiny, high-end faux-log construction? Your new out-of-state neighbor, with the help of a friendly local developer, is actually improving your view, don’t you see? Of course you can see, we’ve cleared the way for your eyesight to really stretch its legs!

Myth #3: Clear-cutting mountain sides to make way for residential developments is an environmentally unsound practice.

That is a myth! Through a carbon credit program, we pay for three trees to be planted in Africa for every one tree we remove in Asheville. So, when you see acres of unspoiled wilderness seemingly “disappearing” all around you, what you are actually looking at is an African forest magically growing right out of the barren, treeless, African jungle landscape. Karibu!

Myth #4: I should burn down homes built on slopes to express how much I hate homes built on slopes.

This one is a curveball, but it too is false. This type of dangerous and illegal act could easily cause an unintended human tragedy, such as driving up the price of insurance for new construction.

Dale Cozo is a retired freelance writer who lives in Asheville with his wife Candy and their two dogs.

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