Name: Heath Shuler.
Political orientation: Ele-donkey-phant.
Occupation: “I own a real estate company in Tennessee where I live, and it acquires lands from the government I represent. It’s kind of confusing.” Also, pitchman for Jock Rock: Stadium Songs from the 1990s.
Political experience: In high school, he was voted “Square-jawed Goof Most Likely to Become a Congressman Through Incredible Timing and Good Fortune.”
Endorsements: Beta Males who Adore Alphas, Washington Redskin Hater Society, “So many cheerleaders it would blow your mind.” Which of your opponent’s policies do you agree with the most? “His policy of carrying a full-size likeness of me everywhere he goes.”
What most distinguishes you from your opponent in this election? “In college, Carl marked notches in his bedposts. I ran out of posts and marked deeper notches in my notches.”
Most controversial policy position? “I always bet against the Carolina Panthers.”
What is your top legislative priority? “Taking care of my salt-of-the-earth constituents like Heath Shuler Real Estate Landholdings, Development and Acquisitions, LLC, in Knoxville, Tenn.”
What is your position on the financial crisis? “I don’t know what everyone’s talking about — I’m doingjust fine.”
What is your position on the recent $700 billion public bailout of the financial industry? “That money should have been used to protect children from in-flight movies.”