Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 10/15/08

Name: Heath Shuler.
Political orientation: Ele-donkey-phant.

Occupation: “I own a real estate company in Tennessee where I live, and it acquires lands from the government I represent. It’s kind of confusing.” Also, pitchman for Jock Rock: Stadium Songs from the 1990s.

Political experience: In high school, he was voted “Square-jawed Goof Most Likely to Become a Congressman Through Incredible Timing and Good Fortune.”

Endorsements: Beta Males who Adore Alphas, Washington Redskin Hater Society, “So many cheerleaders it would blow your mind.” Which of your opponent’s policies do you agree with the most? “His policy of carrying a full-size likeness of me everywhere he goes.”

What most distinguishes you from your opponent in this election? “In college, Carl marked notches in his bedposts. I ran out of posts and marked deeper notches in my notches.”

Most controversial policy position? “I always bet against the Carolina Panthers.”

What is your top legislative priority? “Taking care of my salt-of-the-earth constituents like Heath Shuler Real Estate Landholdings, Development and Acquisitions, LLC, in Knoxville, Tenn.”

What is your position on the financial crisis? “I don’t know what everyone’s talking about — I’m doingjust fine.”

What is your position on the recent $700 billion public bailout of the financial industry? “That money should have been used to protect children from in-flight movies.”

Name: David Gantt.
Political affiliation: “I’m a Democrat, but not a Bill-Stanley-Democrat or Carol-Peterson-Democrat. Which is why I’m answering your questions.”

Occupation: “I have helped countless people become disabled.”

Political experience: “Rallied citizens against my own ineptitude on the Parkside deal.”

Endorsements: Association for the Fans of Ambulance Drivers, listed as “Friend” on Judge Judy’s Facebook page.

Why you should trust me: “I’m an attorney.”

What most distinguishes you from your opponent? “I’m a nice guy, and my opponent says ugly things about me. For instance, he quotes my colleagues’ statements that my policies are ‘fiscally idiotic,’ ‘moronically fiscal,’ and ‘ridiculously, fiscally, financially retarded.’ And that’s not cool.”

Most controversial position? “Cross-over reach-around with one leg over-easy, but not since 1979.”

Top legislative priority? “I will fight to un-do all the things I do.”

Name: Holly Jones.
Political affiliation: New Ruralist.

Occupation: Coordinator of volunteers to elect Holly Jones.

Political experience: Laying low between winning elections.

Endorsements: Asheville City Limits Conservative Misogynist Society.

What distinguishes you from your opponents? “Humor writers think I’m cute.”

Most controversial policy position? “While on City Council, I boldly told the television cameras that the people wanted more out of City Council.”

Top priorities? “Campaigning to get re-elected to City Council or County Commission. It’s a toss-up.”

Position on the water dispute with the city of Asheville? “As a current City Council member, I think the County’s approach to this matter has been reprehensible. As your County Commissioner, however, I will break City Council down like a wet cardboard box. Which you should recycle, by the way.”

What would you do to attract better-paying jobs to the area? “Push for more elected positions, and higher pay for those positions.”

Name: Nathan Ramsey.
Political affiliation: Lacterian.

Occupation: “I rise at 5 a.m. every morning to make sure my brother is milking the cows.”

Political experience: “I ran Snowball off the farm and mediated a power-sharing agreement between Mr. Jones the farmer and Napoleon the Pig during the Battle of the Cowshed.”

Endorsements: The Society for the Preservation of Milk Cartons at Public School Lunches.

Why you should trust me: “I’m not an attorney.”

Most controversial policy position: “Pausing with a look of expectation after I say ‘Udder-ly’ or ‘Moo-mentum.’”

Top legislative priority? “I’d like to see more forward moo-mentum [pause with raised eyebrows] on district voting.”

Name: Don Yelton.
Political affiliation: Republi-talky.

Occupation: Professional case study in high blood pressure.

Political experience: Once prevented a wall from getting a word in by filibustering for 93 days inside his own bedroom.

Endorsements: The Rootin’-Tootin’ Society, Citizens for Crazier Airwaves Association, Yosemite Sam. What distinguishes you from your opponents in this election? “What do you mean? You’re going down!”

Most controversial policy position: “I don’t dislike blacks or Mexicans.” Top legislative priorities? “Finding the punks who keep crank-calling my cell phone during my URTV show and shoving a hot poker up their little punk bottoms.”

What is your position on the Sullivan Acts? “Is Sullivan a liberal socialist? He’s going down!”

What would you do to attract better-paying jobs to the area? “I don’t see how this question relates to taking someone down, so I’m afraid you’re going down, sir.”

How to prevent another local fuel shortage: “What’s this namby-pamby stuff? Who’s going down? Someone’s going down!”

Name: Bill Stanley.
Political affiliation: Silent-crat.

Occupation: Retired from education shortly after oral tradition was abandoned for hieroglyphics produced on turtle shells.

Political experience: Served on the Committee to Elect James Madison.

Endorsements: “At their request, I will not disclose the identities of my endorsers.”

What distinguishes you from your opponents? “Sometimes when the phone rings, I answer my bedroom slipper.” Most controversial policy position: “I refuse to do crossword puzzles to keep my mind sharp.”

What would be your top three legislative priorities? “Finding my keys, finding my glasses, answering my shoe when constituents call me.”

What would you do to attract better-paying jobs to the area? “Instead of tilling the earth by clawing at it with our fingernails, we should invent a contraption — possibly a doo-dad — that has gears and wheels and blades, thus improving the profit margins for sustenance farmers.”

How to prevent local fuel shortages: “Wheel of Fortune is on, so no comment.”

Name: Carl Mumpower.
Political orientation: Saddle burr.

Occupation: Saddle maker.

Political experience: “I have never voted with the majority, ever.”

Endorsements: Committee to Re-elect Heath Shuler.

What distinguishes you from opponent? “My opponent has a chance of winning this election.”

Most controversial policy position? “My name is Carl Mumpower.”

Position on recent $700 billion public bailout of the financial industry? “Down on one knee, pounding my chest, calling 911, chewing aspirin.”

What would be your top legislative priorities? “Suspending my congressional seat until the rest of Congress pledges support for me.”

Which of your opponent’s policies do you agree with the most? “Throwing to the tight end for a 6-yard gain on second down.”

Name: Martin Nesbitt.
Political party: Nascar-crat.

Occupation: Familial referee.

Political experience: “I’ve served 34 terms in the state senate, and I’m just getting warmed up.”

Endorsements: “The Carolina Stompers have left many endorsements on my answering machine very late at night.”

Do you support comprehensive sex education or abstinence-only education? “I want the entire classroom, including the teacher, to blush.”

Top three donors? “What is this, an audit?”

Top legislative priorities? “Getting the state to officially sponsor my Nascar team. And other stuff.”

Are further reforms needed to curtail undue influence by lobbyists in the Legislature? “I’ll let my lobbyist get back to you on that.”

What transportation-efficiency initiatives do you support? “What do we need an auditor for, folks?”

Name: Carol Peterson.
Political affiliation: Smirk-o-crat.

Occupation: Forced-smile delivery.

Political experience: No one has gotten a clear view of what she has done.

Endorsements: Was endorsed by Bill Stanley in a closed-door meeting.

What distinguishes you from your opponents? “As a 5th-generation Buncombe County resident, I look down on 99% of all Buncombe County residents, except the Packs, who are total snobs.”

Most controversial action as Commissioner: Wearing blue jeans in public.

Top legislative priorities? “That is need-to-know information that I will only disclose in off-the-record private conversations with other unnamed commissioners.”

What would you do to attract better-paying jobs to the area? “Hire more people to reverse-engineer my policy positions based on how high my nose is in the air.”

How to prevent another local fuel shortage: “We must protect our horses from rampant hay speculation by stocking up on apples and wheat grass.”

Name: R.L. Clark.
Political party: Republican’t.

Political experience: “I have worked to rid this state of the government I want to be elected to.”

Endorsements: The Organization to Abolish Governments and Organizations, Chad Nesbitt.

Do you support comprehensive sex education or abstinence-only education? “I support abstinence-only education, to secure our future supply of unskilled labor.”

What transportation-efficiency initiatives do you support? “People can walk the length of the oil pipeline from our off-shore wells to our on-shore refineries.”

Are further reforms needed to curtail undue influence by lobbyists in the Legislature? “It depends on which party is in power.”

How will you fix the state’s mental- health system? “Fight the Pelosi liberal agenda that is making everyone crazy.”

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