Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 12/19/07

I always get depressed around Kwanzaa time

Bells are ringing, do-rags are hanging from the mantle and grandma is dusting off her dashiki — it’s Kwanzaa time again.

David Jennings

However, instead of feeling uplifted by the spirit of Kwanzaa, I start feeling down. It happens every year.

I don’t know what it is. I should be happy — everyone is singing Kwanzaa carols and taking pan-African pride in themselves, yet I’m moping around during what, for most Americans, is the most special made-up holiday of the year.

But why did the holiday’s founder, Ron Karenga, have to choose wintertime as an arbitrary season to have Kwanzaa? What the hell is so African about freezing rain? I wish he had picked Easter or some other sunnyseasoned white holiday to try and usurp.

Making matters worse, my birthday just so happens to fall on — you guessed it — December 25, the day before Kwanzaa starts. Just my luck, right?

For me, Kwanzaa is just Freaknik with guilt. While everyone else is celebrating their African heritage, I start resenting the entire continent for making me buy gifts.

Usually, my friends and relatives figure out that I haven’t put much thought into it. For instance, last year, I gave my grandmother a “Larry the Cable Guy” DVD that I bought myself on MLK day the previous year.

I think I was 5 the last time I was pleased by the contents of my Kwanzaa stocking. Let me guess, cocoa butter. Gee, thanks, Kwanzaa-spirit.

Kwanzaa was invented by Karenga, to give blacks a chance “to celebrate themselves” instead of Jesus, who he deemed “psychotic.” Then he went to jail for torturing two black women, using a hot soldering iron, a vise and an electrical cord on them for two days. That scene, represented by the sixth day of Kwanzaa (Kuumba, or Creativity) is probably the most disturbing aspect of the Kwanzaa nativity set.

I don’t know — it’s not like I want to get old and cynical about this holiday. It’s fun seeing grandpa put on his Pan-African Power Fez and strut around cussing out all the other races. Grandma usually has one glass of wine too many during the traditional reading of the Principles of Blackness and starts making up black principles, such as “Never ever eat cookies made by your friend’s white-devil grandma.”

During Kwanzaa, I’m supposed to greet people with “Habari Gani,” which is Swahili and basically means, “What’s up?” It’s just seems like a silly affectation to me, especially when the traditional response is, “La kitu lakini ghali nyumba,” which roughly means, “Nothing but the rent.”

And we’re supposed to concentrate on and practice what Karenga called “the sevenfold path of blackness,” which is “Think black, talk black, act black, create black, buy black, vote black, and live black,” which is all well and good, but honestly it freaks our white mailman out big-time. I’m all for walking down the path of blackness, except when that path forces me to pick my mail up at the post office because everyone within two blocks can hear my grandpa’s thoughts about Whitey.

I’m not trying to be a downer for everyone on Kwanzaa, I just get depressed this time of year. I suppose I should just forget the material aspects of the holiday and focus on the reason for the season — the color of my skin. Hey, I’m feeling better already.

No-Knock Career Opportunities

Oil Refinery Schedule Master. Heating oil price hikes? Summer blend price hikes? You decide through production scheduling! Be ready to announce “routine maintenance” any time gas drops below $3 a gallon. Exxon: job code 2307.

News Briefs:

There will never be another Principles of Accounting I class as wacky as this group was, UNCA Principles of Accounting I class agrees

Fred Thompson livens up presidential field

Republican Party upgraded from corpse-like to comatose

Holiday Community Events Calendar

Satanic Caroling with the Beelzebarbershop Quartet and Fiery Lake Glee Club. We bring the lyrics, you bring the hate. Saturday. Chunn’s Cove Road exit; left at the big pentagram.

Pyramid Enterprises Seminar: Turn your family’s holiday gathering into cold, hard cash. Refreshments provided. Thursday 8 p.m. Thunderbird Inn’s conference room/vending area.

Red Cross Safety Speech: “Gag-gift choking hazards.” The hidden danger of rubber chickens and whoopee cushions among other topics. Wednesday. At the local Red Cross while staff is away on lunch break.

A Celebration of Filthy Lucre! Forget the spirit of the season while you shop, shop, shop. Available exclusively at all retailers everywhere, all the time.

Dear Arnold,
There’s been some talk about teaching Intelligent Design along with evolution at my son’s school. It’s not a scientific theory and I don’t think it belongs in a science class. What is a good way to begin voicing my disapproval?
— Sally

Dear Sally,
Why on earth do you want some primate- loving pinko teaching your kid that we came from monkeys? Everyone knows God created us from some ribs and we lived off apples until a snake ate them all or some crap like that. Evolution is commie propaganda by god-haters who want us to have sex with monkeys. Do you want to have sex with monkeys? I bet you can’t wait to smoke your drugs and have sex with a monkey, you hippie freak.

Dear Arnold,
My son is going on his first date next week. He really likes this girl, and he’s very nervous. Do you have any advice for him to make sure this first date goes smoothly?
— Howard

Dear Howard,
Two words: ball sweat. Tell him to reach down and grab a little from under his coin purse and rub it in on his nose before his date. My Uncle James told me about that little trick. Womenfolk can’t resist that particular musky smell of manhood. It has something to do with pheronomoans. Trust me, she’ll be all over him. On the other hand, women, if you’re on a date and you smell scrotum, make your gentleman dater wash his nose so that you won’t be tempted to act like a harlot.

Report: NC emits more greenhouse gases than 87 developing countries combined — Up yours, Eritrea!

Jim Woodward, Economist

According to a recent report, this fine state beats 87 nations combined in its greenhouse-gas production. I didn’t even know there were 87 countries total on this planet. I guess ol’ North Carolina is no slouch after all.

Looks like you smokeless cave-nations need to make an 88th friend, someone with a smokestack or two to push you out on top. Until then, you’ll just have to breathe our dust, suckers.

I heard N.C. brought a group of government officials over from Papau New Guinea and they started praying to the Canton paper plant like it was R2-D2 in the Ewok Village.

Hopefully, this report will be just the kick in the pants those 87 countries need to get off their duffs and start burning something on a massive scale.

Hey, is it ridiculously warm out here, or is it just my state? Go Carolina!

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