Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 12/26/07

Medford scandal raises troubling questions

How do you lose an election with that much dirty money?

ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — The arrest of former Buncombe County Sheriff Bobby Medford has forced local politicians and campaign managers alike to ask some troubling political, moral and economic questions: “Exactly how much dirty money does it take to win an election fair and square around these parts?”; “Why do our sins have to catch up with us?”; and “Is finding true joy as simple as seeing a hobbled-over old man being led away in shackles?”

The charges against Medford have made some local political machines take notice.

“I’m aghast at how much dirty money he was able to raise for his campaign, only to then shockingly lose the election,” said a former campaign worker for Charles Taylor. “I can’t fathom what the implications are for local politics. Everyone is really stunned by this turn of events.”

Never stop learning!

• Did you know … that if a deputy shakes you down for money, you have the right to negotiate a smaller amount. You do!

• Gambling on pain pills is never a good idea. Many local officials spend most of their onthe- clock time hooked up to a Cherokee slot machine like it’s a life-support system. This is a safe and reasonable practice. However, when you add pain pills and handguns to the mix, it affects the whole community by increasing, over time, the amount of shakedown money demanded of local businessmen.

• It’s true! Buncombe County has some of the healthiest senior citizens in the entire nation! Right now, hundreds of old men all over the region are running around, cutting deals with federal agents, flipping on one another and destroying evidence. It’s a regular beehive of pants-pooping activity!

Other issues, some of which are of an ethical nature, have been raised by news of the arrest as well. Even those without formal theological training are wrestling with the profound moral issues brought to light.

“It makes one wonder, in a general sense, about whether or not one can bury all of one’s transgressions in a shallow grave so as to never be bothered with them again, or, more troubling still, if the wrongs that a person has taken great efforts to conceal for years and years can still somehow come back to haunt that individual,” said District Attorney Ron Moore.

Current Sheriff Van Duncan has been asking himself if, instead of seeking happiness through spiritual enlightenment or material gain, inner peace can be found simply by seeing a picture of your former employer who fired you now being led around in chains on the front page of the newspaper.

“It’s funny,” said Van Duncan. “For years, I had trouble getting over the sting of being fired by Medford. Even trouncing him in the election didn’t really heal all the wounds. But I’ve been feeling so good these days, and I can’t help but to wonder why. I mean, I’ve feeling real, real good. But you know, pretty nice weather, who knows.”

No-Knock Career Opportunities

Investment Banking CEO. Have a nose for a crappy investment? Well, sniff away! After you lose six or eight billion bucks, it’s bombs away in your $200 million golden parachute! Merryl Lynch: job code 3365.

Major League Soccer Fan. Read up on the strange, foreign sport of “futbol,” then show up drunk, belligerent, and ready to cheer. Knowledge of Posh Spice helpful but not necessary. Los Angeles Galaxy: job code 8778 (AAN CAN)

So many calls, it’s crazy! “We have had so many people respond to the help wanted ad we placed in the Xpress last week for an Oil Refinery Schedule Master. Unfortunately, we put the wrong job code in the ad when we placed it, and all of our applicants were sent to job code 2370 (Network Television Non-Writing Spontaneous Verbal Spewer). Again, this is your chance to arbitrarily announce “routine maintenance” any time gas drops below $3 a gallon. Exxon: job code 2307.

WMD Spirit Medium. Second sight not necessary! Convincingly sense and/or feign nuclear buildup in Iran. Be ready to work closely with Investment Banker and Oil refinery Schedule Master. Vice President’s office: job code 1776.

Dear Arnold,
My family is very shy about giving and receiving affection. What’s a good way to “break the ice” and teach my family and my son in particular that saying “I love you” and giving hugs is okay.
— Stan

Dear Stan,
Hugs are great if you want to teach your son to enjoy being embraced by another man. I’ve got a better idea: Why don’t you just give him a kiss on the mouth every day after school just to make sure he turns into a full-fledged pirate smoker. When my father wanted to tell me he loved me he didn’t give me some girlie hug — he got drunk, stumbled into my room late at night and told me that I was a worthless piece of crap, but not as worthless at that fancy boy Clive Wothfield down the street. My memory of his laughter, even to this day, makes me almost cry. Almost.

A conspiracy, not 80 pounds of dynamite, brought down the Enka Towers

David S., 12/18 Truthseeker

Enka Tower 2 did not just blow itself up.

Sure, 80 pounds of dynamite brought down Enka Tower 1. But why did Enka Tower 2 suddenly collapse?

The real story about the BCG (Buncombe County government) and its dastardly involvement in the events of 12/18 can be found at length at 1218truth.org.

The official 12/18 report that was distributed through major media outlets on 12/19 was disguised as “local news.”

Media reports that escaped white-washing told of citizens surprised by how quickly the towers came down, how the demolition should have lasted longer, and how nothing that exciting had ever happened in Enka since the day the towers were built in the first place.

American Enka, a shadowy Dutch firm that was up to its eyeballs in dangerous nylon polymers and enough rayon to cover the continent of Africa in one big blouse, was swallowed up by BASF, the largest chemical company in the world.

Run. By. Germans. That’s right. The same Germans who would have us believe the mighty Enka towers could be brought down in eight measly seconds by 80 pounds of dynamite — less dynamite than local boys use when they need to get a cat out of a tree.

Our group, Scholars for 12/18 Truth, is not based in Enka, per se, for obvious reasons that you may glean from the name of our group. However, scholarly or no, Enka deserves to know the truth about what happened that frightful day.

Fact: Although a “planned demolition” was scheduled for 8 a.m., the Enka towers did not fall until 8:15.

Why? The official reason — the fire department caused the delay — is a real peach. Enka does not even have a fire department. Two ol’ fellars peeing on a grass fire does not a fire department make. Why would two urinating old men delay the “planned demolition” of the Enka towers? Who urinated that day in Enka, and why?

Fact: Nobody can say for sure whether or not Flight #77 or a carrier pigeon traveling at the speed of light was seen streaking through the skies over Enka that day.

Fact: Ron Paul has local supporters.

Myth: Flight #77 could not bring down the Enka Towers alone. True. But a carrier pigeon moving at the speed of light could.

Fact: Flight #77 was in fact flown in circles off the coast of Mexico for more than six years since it went missing and then flown into the Enka Towers on 12/18.

Myth: Decide for yourselves. FALSE.

Fact: Agree with me.

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