(SATIRE) Jest of 2018: You’ve heard the best, now here’s the rest

Best place to find your soulmate while in Asheville for a bachelorette party

1. The Pubcycle — All you have to do is shout “Woo!” loudly enough, and he/she/they shall appear.
2. Mission Hospital ER — This is going to make the funniest story someday.
3. The Hot Spot.

Worst busker

1. Anybody with an amplifier.
2. The yelling man.
3. The guy learning to play banjo in public.

Best place to get a tan on the cheap

1. The Hot Spot.
2. The secret man-thong-friendly balcony at Capella on 9.
3. Miss the takeout while tubing the French Broad.

Worst place to wake up after a craft-beer bender

1. In front of 50 half-eaten tapas plates at Curate, with a credit card receipt stuck to your cheek.
2. The Pit of Despair.
   2. Scaffolding off the 15th floor of The Arras.
3. Charlotte.

Best way to stick it to the man in Asheville

1. Carry a six-pack and a bottle of Wild Turkey 101 to the top of the Civic Center parking garage and open your own rooftop bar.
2. Ride a Bird scooter into Council chambers.
3. String some macaroni necklaces and get a booth at the Big Crafty.

Best ways to get from A to B in Asheville

1. Disguise yourself as an extra-large order of chow mein and get delivered by Takeout Central.
2. Convince attendant to activate little-known “Willy Wonka mode” on City Hall elevators.
3. Ride bears.

Best way to get rich quick in WNC

1. Use the computing power in Duke’s smart meters for cryptocurrency mining.
2. Market the Pit of Despair as a novelty gem mine to unsuspecting tourists.
3. Pitch your “affordable” housing project to Council and rake in the cash.

Best way to prank local politicians

1. Accuse Carl Mumpower of failing to scoop his dog’s poop.
2. Go to Celebrity’s Hot Dogs and refuse to leave until Robert Presley himself takes your order.
3. Give ’em the old “Weed Brownie” Newman.

Best way to get a black eye in Asheville

1. Order a Miller High Life at Wicked Weed.
2. Bring a vuvuzela to the drum circle.
3. Set up a barbecue food truck at the entrance to VeganFest.

Best place to introduce people to your new identity

1. The Hot Spot.
   1. City Council meeting.
2. Asheville Tribune classified ad.
3. Tell Jason Sanford of Ashvegas and watch for it on Twitter.

Worst thing that can only happen to you on a vacation to Asheville

1. Fall off the LaZoom bus and land on the Pubcycle.
2. Arrive home to find a bear in your luggage.
3. Arrested for indecent exposure after goats eat your yoga pants.
   3. Disgrace yourself running from wild turkeys.

Worst place to run into someone you know

1. Pop music concert at Biltmore. Definitive proof that your musical taste has not evolved since high school.
2. The former Greenlife. Face it, you’re both sellouts to corporate America.
3. In line for the annual Highland Brewing Cold Mountain release — there will be blood.

Worst Asheville wellness treatment

1. Mosh pit massage at The Odditorium.
2. The Hot Spot.
3. Surprise enema at Splasheville.