American Nutzi Party

I have long maintained that America will be unable to reap the emotional rewards of the patriotic wallowings that the Nazis brought to Germany during the late ‘30s and ‘40s, until an amalgam of the basic doctrines of the Republican Party—industrial imperialism abroad and the abrogation of constitutional rights at home—joined forces with the Nazi-helmet-wearing, death’s-head- or cobra-head-tattooed, violence-loving Hell’s Angels biker types.

So imagine how relieved I was to see, on the cover of Mountain Xpress, a picture of a muscle-shirted goon with a tattoo on his bicep and an American flag waving in the background. We’ve gotten to the eve of the American-Nazi experience after all. Republican political leaders sending the military to steal the resources of other countries; a goon squad of storm troopers at home to act as an enforcer arm at the local level. No more peaceful assemblies of liberal loonies and such. Here come the storm troopers. “Oh look, we’re saved. It’s the Carolina Stompers.”

Next step: Find a minority group to blame everything on. I recommend the so-called “illegal immigrants” who build our houses and pick our food. Isolate them, force them to wear, say, a yellow Jalapeño-pepper emblem on their sleeves as German Jews were once forced to wear a yellow Star of David.

We’ll build gulags—I mean, concentration camps—uh, I mean, uh, refugee camps, or whatever it takes to set up a totalitarian government of us God-fearin’, gun-totin’ good ol’ boys.

Psst. I know a Web site where Nazi flags, appropriate to The Cannonball Run, can be bought cheaply by the dozen.

Finally, the American Nutzi Party’s “Hour of Destiny” has arrived.

— John Nation
Asheville