Edgy Mama

If you’re one of the 150 million people on Facebook, you’ve been tagged, probably several times, over the past few weeks and asked to reveal “25 random things” about yourself.

The idea is that people write 25 facts, habits or goals about themselves, then designate 25 other people to do the same.

As always, I’m surprised by how much revealing stuff people throw out into the digital world, even to their supposed “friends.” And they don’t even get paid to tell embarrassing anecdotes and off-color jokes.

My middle sister said she considered writing 25 random things the other day, then realized that 1) it would be boring; 2) no one really wanted to know random things about her; and 3) if she told the truth, her friends would think she’s a bad parent. She’s a smart woman.

Because, truth? Ninety-nine percent of the 25 random things I’ve read are boring, things I don’t want to know and things that aren’t quite truthful, particularly when it comes to parenting. Excluding what’s been penned by my friends, of course.

To prove my points, here’s what people in the 25 random things Facebook club say about their kids. This is a public Facebook group that anyone with a Facebook account can access. When I wrote this, there were 5,103 members, many of whom published their 25 random things for all of us to peruse.

Oh, and because I couldn’t stand it, I corrected the spelling, punctuation (except for the endemic exclamation marks), and grammatical errors. My comments are in parentheses.

1. “I adore my kids! They mean the world to me.” (Can you be more original, please? I’m afraid irony is dead.)

2. “I never knew how much I loved someone until I had kids.”

3. “I wish I had a son.” (2 & 3 are by the same woman. Maybe irony isn’t dead.)

4. “I want to be a grandma after I turn 50.” (Me? I want to be a grandma a long time after I turn 50, given that my two will be 16 and 13 on my 50th birthday.)

5. “I wonder what my son would do without me.” (Shrivel up and die, I’m sure.)

6. “I am really good at making up fun, exciting, educational lessons to teach my kids.” (This confused me because this woman claims to only have one child.)

7. “I never thought I was worthy of being a parent.” (Dude, relax and give yourself a break.)

8. “I have had a baby in each state I have lived.” (Meet Nadya Suleman. Wait—that’s 14 babies in one state.)

9. “I have the best kids ever!!!” (That’s weird. I thought my kids were the best kids ever!)

10. “My husband and I disagree on public or private school for our kids.” (If that’s all you disagree about while raising kids, you’re in good shape).

11. “When pregnant with my daughter, I ate Cheetos dipped in Cool Whip.” (That’s just disgusting.)

12. “I love my kids.” (So does every body else. Will someone please go out on a limb and admit to sometimes disliking their kids?)

13. “I would give anything to have my daughter be little again.” (You just don’t remember what “little” was like.)

14. “I don’t think life would be satisfying if it weren’t for our kids.” (Awwwwww!)

15. “I have two teenage children who both think I love the other more which really makes me sad.” (Are they your Facebook friends? Maybe they’ll read your 25 random things and recognize the truth.)

16. “I don’t know what I am going to do when my daughter goes to college.” (Three words, sister: Let her go.)

17. “Everywhere I go, people tell me how wonderful my sons are; polite, gentlemen, well-behaved, etc. We must be doing something right!” (Can I pat you on the back too?)

18. “I really want to be a mom, and I am afraid that it won’t be as easy for me as for every single other person around me.” (Who are the people around you who think it’s easy? They’re lying.)

19. “I love my son/daughter-in-laws.” (He has more than one wife?)

20. “I can’t wait to get a boob job—the kids took those away.” (Yeah. Well. Don’t forget that boob jobs include cutting off your nipples—though they put them back on.)

21. “The children will get breakfast tomorrow; TV remote’s found.” (Wait. Irony survives.)

22. “I secretly named my son after my first boyfriend and my ex-husband never knew.” (Sneaky.)

23.  “I wish people would always think about the children first. ALWAYS.” (But then we’d have to stop being so self-absorbed. Where’s the fun in that?)

24. “My daughter semi-believes we are fattening up my youngest to eat him for Thanksgiving.” (I went through like 600 random things lists before I found a kindred spirit. Hurrah!)

25. “People who run red lights because the light was green for the person in front of them should be shot and disemboweled.” (This one has nothing to do with kids or parenting, but it made me laugh, in a this-is-really-disturbing way.)