Hello, you magnificent readers, you! Congratulations on making it halfway through summer. As a community, we’ve been trauma-bonding in a very beautiful way as we pluck bloodthirsty ticks from the backs of our brethren, mourn the impending loss of Salvage Station’s current location and brace ourselves for several more decades of highly inconvenient highway widening.
This month, we’ll be covering pressing topics on staying cool, celebrating birthdays (shoutout to my fellow Leos) and the best options for local comedy open mic nights. Joining me are comedian and cool dad Corey Day, Asheville’s sweetheart Larry Griffin and Tater Tot the dog’s mom, Evelyn Pekarek. These three local comedians are not only hilarious, they all scored above an 800 on the SAT. Meaning, of course, that you should take their word as gospel.
Cayla: Speaking of gospel, Asheville has been experiencing a heat wave — as if this godless, heathen-riddled town wasn’t already enough of a hellscape. I actually fried an egg on my mailbox this past weekend. Meanwhile, the asphalt has been far too hot for my poor old dog’s tender paw pads, so we’ve built her an elaborate indoor dog gym, complete with elliptical trainer, free weights and treadmill. She still just sits on the couch, stuffing her face with Bugles and watching “Family Guy.” Not a bad way to pass the time. What’s your favorite way to escape the upper 90s?
Corey: Being born and raised in central Florida, I’m pretty used to the sweltering heat. It’s actually a bit more tolerable in Asheville because the humidity is a bit different. Nonetheless, anything above the mid-80s seems like a plea from God to find something to do indoors. It may be a bit cliché, but good ol’ brewery hopping always tickles my fancy. You can get some vitamin C on the walk from one brewery to the next and usually find a refreshing light beer to sip down while people-watching random tourists or bachelor parties melting like hot butter into our sidewalks as they try to trek uphill from South Slope to Pack Square.
Cayla: That read like poetry, Corey. Really beautiful stuff.
Corey: Why, thank you. I’m a literary genius. Another cool thing to do (pun intended, BOOM) is strolling the WNC Nature Center. I’ve got a toddler, so keeping him occupied is always a chore. There’s tons of shade there and watching the animals handle the heat while I’m wearing short shorts and a tank top adds perspective that it could be worse … unless you’re Teen Wolf or have to wear full-body clothing for religious purposes. I personally think God would understand if you shed some layers or got a nice buzz cut.
Honorable Mentions — Sliding Rock and my supersecret swimming hole off the trail at Catawba Falls.
Cayla: Grail Moviehouse (one of my very favorite spots in Asheville), has $5 Icees that include a free refill. You heard me correctly. In this economy, you can’t even snag a pack of godd*mn gum for under $12. But the Holy Grail offers plenty of neon, sugared slush for a price so scant it’s basically irrelevant. Not to mention, movie tickets themselves are only $10. You can take your sweetie (or yourself) on a top-tier, heat-busting date for under $40. That’s actually insane. If you’re a butter baby, like myself, I recommend springing for the popcorn, too. They layer in real clarified butter. The snacks are so good, it doesn’t even matter if the movie is complete trash. Usually they feature a selection of esteemed films, but I do have to say … Longlegs was garbage. I’m sorry (and feel free to fight me), but I can’t take anything starring Nicolas Cage remotely seriously. He’s a national treasure and we love him, and no YouTube video will ever beat “Compilation of Nic Cage Freaking Out,” but in my humble and correct opinion, he ruined that film.
Larry: Oh, come on. His performance couldn’t have been that bad.
Cayla: He ruined it, Larry. Ruined it.
Larry: I don’t think it’s possible to truly escape the heat, just as it’s impossible to truly escape Nic Cage. It’s everywhere, waiting for us, knives out, as we take the extra few seconds at Odd’s Cafe to place our drink order just to avoid heading back out there into that hellish sun-drenched apocalypse. We can try swimming in some of the area’s bodies of water, but in the midst of a 100-degree sweatbox of a day, even the water’s going to be sweltering. We will be cooking like we just stepped into a bath of cartoon volcanic lava.
Recently, I tried just going out at night, to a metal show at The Odd, but being packed like a can of sardines inside with all those hairy, sweaty metalheads thrashing around wasn’t a reprieve either. Even if we try to stay home and enjoy a lazy summer afternoon, the price of the electric bill is going to bleed your wallet dry like a high-noon robbery. I’ve been thinking of what I could do and I think the best option is to move my bed, TV and work setup into the Ingles meat locker and take up residence there until Halloween.
Evelyn: Coming from north Florida, I’ve had my fair share of 100-plus degree days. But I’m with Corey — after a certain temp, I need to be inside with some A/C or in the water somewhere or on a boat on the water. That was always one of my favorite things on hot summer days: Taking the boat out on the lake or to the springs.
Cayla: Wait, Evelyn — you have a boat? Have you been holding out on us?
Evelyn: I’m in my 30s and I live in Asheville, Cayla. Of course, I don’t have a godd*mn boat.
Cayla: I’m a Leo, and we all know what that means — I love being the center of attention. And I’m insane. This year, I’m going big for 34. God, 34. I didn’t like writing that. Let’s go with … 28. This year, I’m going big for 28: I’m contributing to the unaffordable housing crisis by renting out an Airbnb in Marion and relaxing hard on someone else’s couch, defrosting a pizza in someone else’s oven and going to bed at 9:30 p.m. in someone else’s bed. I do love a good staycation — close enough to rush home and kiss my cats on the forehead should I start to miss them too intensely; far enough away to trick my brain into thinking I’m even farther. What’s your favorite way to spend your birthday in Asheville?
Corey: Also a Leo, and I turn 33 in a few weeks!
Larry and Evelyn: Happy upcoming birthday, Corey!
Cayla: What about me?
Corey: Anyway, one thing I love to do for myself on my special day is cruise the Blue Ridge Parkway on my motorcycle. I just got it a few years ago, and it’s an adventure bike, built for a doomsday prep or Mad Max situation with crash bars and a spot to secure a hatchet and a machete. Whether I head toward Mount Mitchell or Pisgah National Forest/DuPont State Forest, the views are breathtaking.
After clearing my head on the ride, I like to head downtown for a small lunch with friends and shoot some pool in the upstairs bar at Barley’s. They have a ton of draft beers and also a few dart boards, so I’m done on the motorcycle by now and starting to let the birthday bear out of its cage. A few blocks away is where the night ends at Brasilia Churrasco Steakhouse. My wife, son and another close group of friends meet up as everyone marvels at the feat of me accepting every piece of meat that is graciously offered whilst I order old fashioned after old fashioned until a final espresso martini nightcap. I proceed to sleep for three days. Once this hibernation is over, I start dreaming of when it will all happen again next year.
Larry: I’ve celebrated a few birthdays in or around Asheville now. I think the best way to do it is to drink a lot of alcohol (or whatever liquid substance you’re the most into that year) and then go tour the town’s numerous barcades. Stay at each location for as long as you want, playing “Street Fighter” and “Donkey Kong.” If you’re drinking alcohol, you’ll only get better the more you consume. Trust me, I know. The drunker I get, the better I get at fighting in the streets and konging donkeys. I’m sure if you stay at any single barcade for long enough, drinking and dominating ’80s arcade games, you’ll be approached by a game show to appear on national television.
Cayla: Has that happened to you, Larry?
Larry: Not yet, but it will. I can feel it.
Evelyn: I’m an Aries baby and I’ve only been in Asheville for a little over two years now. I haven’t actually spent any birthdays in town, but I did end up moving here after a birthday trip to Asheville a little over three years ago. I kind of always went away for birthdays versus staying where I live, but the celebration definitely always includes some drinks and good food.
Cayla: In a town with so much comedic talent, there really should be an open mic every night of the week. And it seems as if we’re on the right track. A new open mic started Monday nights at 8 p.m. at Bottle Riot (hosted by Jimmy Smith and Jason Reel), and there is a buzz about another couple in the works. What’s your favorite mic in town, and why?
Corey: My favorite mic in town would be Disclaimer on Wednesdays at Asheville Music Hall. It typically draws the biggest crowd for an open mic and brings a welcome mix of locals supporting the arts and tourists that were barked into the door by the comics out front or the flyers/chalkboards around downtown promising cold drinks with a hopeful side of willful laughter. The production value of that room likens it more toward a feature showcase than an open mic, and it’s usually the place where most local comics hit every week, so we can catch up and hang out together to bounce ideas or just chop it up and be silly.
Evelyn: Really good hangs and overall vibes at Disclaimer — agreed.
Corey: Aside from Disclaimer, I love any pairing of two mics in the same night. Again, having a toddler at home makes it hard for me to go out five nights a week to work on material, so the value of hitting two sets in the same night is immense for me personally.
Cayla: Corey, is your toddler any good at comedy? Maybe what Asheville really needs is Mics for Tykes. I can’t imagine anything better than a 2-year-old telling jokes about diapers and breast milk. “I went to work the other day, and my boss said, ‘Hey, what’s that on your bib?’ I said, ‘Oh sh*t, I musta spit up mama’s milky on the commute!’ What are you gonna do, amirite?” Sorry, that was weird. That’s how I imagine toddlers tell jokes.
Corey: I’m just going to pretend like that didn’t happen, Cayla. In an effort to shamelessly plug and also “start the buzz” for another new mic in town, I’m going to try an open mic format on Friday, Aug. 16, after my monthly showcase show at One World Brewing’s downtown location. The showcase is typically storytelling stand-up, where I book local and regional talent to give their best stories on a specific topic provided ahead of time. Anyone that signs up for the open mic afterward is free to perform whatever they’re working on or take a stab at the showcase topic. The free show starts at 9 p.m., and the mic will be first come, first served!
Larry: I love all open mics equally. They are a meeting of the greatest minds of the 21st century so far. Comedians, and anyone who even tries an open mic, should be the ones leading the country and making electoral decisions — just look at Ukraine’s Volodymyr Zelenskyy. He started out as a comedian and now he is leading that country. So who knows where the rest of us could go with this art form? That’s why I will always support open mic comedy. However, if I have to pick just one, I’ll go with The Odd’s mic on Tuesdays at 9 p.m., just because I still have hope that one day someone’s jokes will contain the magic runic incantation that will bring Zoltar the fortuneteller machine to life, and then he’ll finally be able to take the stage.
Evelyn: I have love for each of the mics but would love to see some new ones around town on other days as well. We all can’t be booked at the same time, so it would be nice to have a place to always go and do reps. Or just give more options for people who may have jobs or families to make it to more. That being said, if I had to choose one, it would be Sunday at the Root Bar. It’s just always full of surprises.
Cayla: I’m very new to the stand-up comedy scene, and I haven’t formed any particularly strong opinions yet. I love Disclaimer and The Odd mic, but what I love even more than the venues themselves is the community. Everyone has been so kind and supportive, genuinely. Speaking of community, Ryan [Gordon] (my stand-up comedian boyfriend) and I are looking to start a sober open mic soon, possibly in a church. We bring a comedy workshop into local rehabs and detox centers, and want to provide people who are newly sober and fresh out of treatment with a safe, supportive place to make light of their trauma. Stay tuned.
Before you comment
The comments section is here to provide a platform for civil dialogue on the issues we face together as a local community. Xpress is committed to offering this platform for all voices, but when the tone of the discussion gets nasty or strays off topic, we believe many people choose not to participate. Xpress editors are determined to moderate comments to ensure a constructive interchange is maintained. All comments judged not to be in keeping with the spirit of civil discourse will be removed and repeat violators will be banned. See here for our terms of service. Thank you for being part of this effort to promote respectful discussion.