(HUMOR) Xpressers almanac: What will 2022 bring?

Carl Mumpower in garage with campaign signs and dismantled Vance Monument
SUPER SECRET: Xpress predicts that the dismantled Vance Monument may be hidden in the garage of former Asheville City Council member Carl Mumpower.

Editor’s note: The following content, unlike the rest of Mountain Xpress’ award-winning coverage of local news and events throughout the rest of the year, is 100% fake.

Top five most likely secret locations for the dismantled Vance Monument 

  1. Mayor Esther Manheimer’s garage, just behind the Hanukkah decorations and above the riding lawnmower.
  2. Carl Mumpower’s garage, under unopened boxes of Mumpower 2015 campaign signs.
  3. The bottom of Hominy Creek. Everyone’s too scared of E. coli to go near it.
  4. The defunct underground bathrooms beneath the monument’s former site.
  5. Surprisingly heavy giant Jenga on the Sierra Nevada Brewing Co. grounds.

Top 10 new initiatives from the Buncombe County Tourism Development Authority

  1. Explore Asheville's Vic Isley in robot suitSouth Slope hydration IV stations to help drinkers finish their brewery crawl.
  2. Holographic projection of the Vance Monument so new tourists know what they’re missing.
  3. Direct monorail from Asheville Regional Airport to the Biltmore Estate.
  4. Forget greenways — try goldways, paved with bricks of the precious metal.
  5. The Hightanic, a French Broad riverboat devoted to consumption of craft delta-8.
  6. Barbecue trough.
  7. Bear-BNB: a new rental platform that lets tourists sleep in black bear dens. Dens will be subject to 12% occupancy tax due to the high probability of visitors getting eaten.
  8. Downtown hop-on, hop-off zip line transit system.
  9. World’s Largest Biscuit.
  10. Mecha robot suit for Explore Asheville President and CEO Vic Isley to crush all local opposition.

Top five forms Asheville’s reparations will actually take 

  1. Guinea pig with 40 square feet signDue to high real estate and livestock prices, “40 acres and a mule” becomes “40 square feet and a guinea pig.”
  2. Giant public art project memorializing City Council’s vote to approve reparations.
  3. One AsheCoin crypto token per person. To the moon, baby!
  4. Lifetime supply of CBD products to take the edge off ongoing structural racism.
  5. Fat city contracts to well-off Black consultants — oh wait, that one’s real.

Top five events from the 2022 midterm campaign trail

  1. Madison Cawthorn completely forgets what U.S. House district he’s running for and starts a rally speech with “Hello, Cleveland!”
  2. Everyone forgets about the Buncombe County Soil and Water Conservation District race except perennial candidate Alan Ditmore, who wins and finally gets to put contraceptives in the drinking water.
  3. Scandal erupts after Council candidate Andrew Fletcher is captured on an iPhone laying down a sick Van Halen guitar solo.
  4. Sheriff Quentin Miller blows entire reelection budget on impeccable hat wardrobe, wins anyway.
  5. GOP candidates do Lady Gaga karaoke night at Burger Bar.

Top 10 WNC media phenomena

  1. College student smoking The Blue BannerDue to declining ad revenue, Mountain Xpress transitions from weekly to quarterly publication, rebrands as Mountain Slow Lane.
  2. Tribune Papers head Clint Parker starts wearing togas, speaking Latin, demanding the power of ius intercessionis to intervene on behalf of the plebians.
  3. WLOS sets up live traffic cam to monitor lines at the French Broad Chocolate Lounge.
  4. Citizen Times Answer Man John Boyle is plagued by mysterious Question Man, who turns out to be John Boyle in a Riddler costume.
  5. Improper handling of Asheville Blade decapitates editor David Forbes.
  6. Hendersonville Lightning partners with Thor for series of PSAs on extreme weather and climate change.
  7. UNC Asheville’s Blue Banner earns collegiate publication award for Best Newsprint Rolling Paper.
  8. Suffering from CTE following his 2020 concussion, Skyline News honcho Chad Nesbitt names himself new Carolina Panthers starting quarterback.
  9. Bearded man with assorted objectsAVL Watchdog offices experience flea infestation. Paper rebrands as AVL Hellbender; pest problem subsides within seconds.
  10. Former WLOS anchor Darcel Grimes cures COVID-19, finally granted sainthood.

Top five things Asheville men will find inside their beards

  1. Baby armadillo.
  2. Cheat sheets for Totally Rad Trivia.
  3. “I voted!” sticker stuck on the back of an “I’m vaccinated!” sticker.
  4. Extra poop bags for the dog park.
  5. Partially melted Sunshine Sammie.

Top five New Year’s Resolutions from the Buncombe County Board of Commissioners

  1. Wanda Greene with fake nose and mustacheHire more experienced workers. Like this woman with decades of county government employment and a doctorate in business administration — Granda Weene?
  2. Finally get around to drinking former County Manager Mandy Stone’s leftover wine collection.
  3. Enact moratorium on new bee hotel construction in response to Chair Brownie Newman’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad picnic experience.
  4. Let lone Republican member Robert Pressley pass one ordinance as a treat.
  5. Just call it a day and let the developers run the show.

Top 10 ways the Asheville Police Department will boost recruitment 

  1. Pimp My Squad Car with built-in doughnut fryer.
  2. Place billboards outside Asheville City Schools playgrounds targeting the coveted Cops and Robbers demographic.
  3. Let patrol officers smoke all the weed they can frisk.
  4. Complimentary reusable stab-resistant water bottles.
  5. One word: Robocops.
  6. Replace boring patrol bicycles with friggin’ sweet Onewheels.
  7. TikTok campaign featuring a tapdancing Chief David Zack in full coat and tails.
  8. Half-off any medium drink at participating McDonald’s with every 10 arrests.
  9. Conscription program for everyone who posts “Blue Lives Matter” on Facebook.
  10. Free belly rubs — whether or not you’re a K-9.

Top five most popular Asheville baby names

  1. Baby in Harrah's Cherokee shirtDelta-8.
  2. Zebulon.
  3. WAXamillion.
  4. Bowie Jangles.
  5. Harrah’s Cherokee (if the price is right).

Top five places to avoid taking your parents when they visit Asheville

  1. The Whole Foods on Merrimon Avenue, which is marginally yet perceptively less bougie than the Whole Foods on South Tunnel Road.
  2. The abandoned Patton Avenue Kmart parking lot at midnight.
  3. Potluck at your no-dairy, no-gluten, no-GMO, no-MSG neighbor’s house.
  4. Under your porch in winter, no matter how much they claim they want to meet a black bear.
  5. The Treasure Club on Grateful Dead Night.

Top five items in the Chamber of Commerce’s new ‘Welcome to Asheville!’ gift baskets

  1. Neon orange safety vests for braving crosswalks.
  2. Tear-away pants for sudden temperature shifts.
  3. Hiking boots for walking from remote parking spaces to downtown.
  4. Bear repellent.
  5. Coupon for one free Subaru Outback with a “Coexist” bumper sticker and “Don’t move here, we’re full” bumper sticker.

Top 10 New Year’s resolutions of downtown characters

  1. Bobby Sax will put down the ducky, because he wants to play the saxophone.
  2. Hare Krishna guy will join your book club.
  3. Amazing Pubcycle will limit customers to exactly 78 “woos” per hour.
  4. Silver Drummer Girl will add Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight” to repertoire.
  5. The dog-wearing juggler’s dog will wear a dog and start juggling, further blowing stoner minds everywhere.
  6. Man wearing “Jesus Saves” sandwich board will give free lessons on vocal projection to area musicians.
  7. Antwon Small will clone himself to diversify into country line and group wedding dances.
  8. The guy with the pet boa constrictor will get really good with a Slinky to appease squeamish tourists.
  9. Sister Bad Habit will only hump buildings on days that end with “y.”
  10. Slam Duncan will partner with Franny’s Farmacy to launch an entire line of hemp-leaf formal wear.

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