(HUMOR) Xpressers almanac: What’s ahead for 2024?

Posted on by Xpress Staff

Editor’s note: The following content, unlike the rest of Mountain Xpress’ award-winning coverage of local news and events throughout the rest of the year, is 100% fake.

Top five tourist excuses for approaching bears on the Blue Ridge Parkway

    1. “I was wearing bear repellant.”
    2. #BearTok.
    3. “They let you pet the bears in Tennessee.”
    4. “I thought it was Jerry Garcia.”
    5. “My brother-in-law breeds them down in Florida.”

Top 10 post-Asheville plans for APD Chief David Zack

      1. Run for Sheriff.
      2. Leader of the Bills Mafia: Asheville chapter.
      3. Smoke all the confiscated pot from the last three years.
      4. “See what Myrtle Beach is all about.”
      5. Personal chauffeur for Mrs. Zack.
      6. Mainstay at Double Crown’s Western Wednesday Karaoke.
      7. Demolish homeless camps on the weekend “for funsies.”
      8. Coalition for Public Safety Facebook page moderator.
      9. Asheville’s new water department head engineer (because he knows a thing or two about leaks).
      10. Co-host of Chad Nesbitt’s new podcast, “The Anarchists Are Coming.”

Top five issues Rev. Ronald Gates should be more worried about than sex/drugs in Buncombe County Schools library books

      1. Meth recipes in Home Ec classes.
      2. Turning calculators upside down to spell “BOOBS.”
      3. Megachurch pastors embezzling millions.
      4. Young men sliding down ropes in Phys Ed.
      5. His own shadow.

Top 10 Asheville-inspired contraceptives

      1. A romantic walk down Chicken Alley.
      2. Counterfeit Viagra purchased from a local vape shop.
      3. The pickle PBR from Rankin Vault.
      4. “So, I read this article in Mountain Xpress …”
      5. Locally produced condoms from an “independent manufacturer,” using “locally sourced latex” and “all-natural spermicide.”
      6. River Cologne, sourced straight from the French Broad.
      7. Macramé diaphragm.
      8. Thirty seconds of attempted seduction by Madison Cawthorn.
      9. Open mic night.
      10. Men in Crocs.

Top 10 ways the TDA expects to allocate its 2025 budget

      1. Matching denim skirts.
      2. An ad campaign in the Swiss Alps.
      3. Tailgating at McCormick Field.
      4. Koozies.
      5. Sweet digs for the next U.S. Open Tennis Championships.
      6. Paying influencers on TikTok in an attempt to make a new viral dance move: The Blue Ridge Bootyshake.
      7. Rape whistles for anyone who needs to use city parking lots at night.
      8. Lobbying for the next movie in the Saw franchise to film at the Biltmore Estate.
      9. Foam stress balls shaped like Andrew “TDA Rabble-rouser” Celwyn’s head.
      10. Donations to local area homeless nonprofits. (Hey, these lists are satire, right?)

Top five performance sites for the Asheville Symphony Orchestra

      1. The Pit of Despair.
      2. Outside Urban Outfitters.
      3. The reparations commission 2024 black tie gala event: cocktail hour entertainment.
      4. Mission Hospital staff canteen.
      5. Burger Bar, right before Saturday night karaoke.

Top 10 most anticipated new beers of 2024

      1. Manheimer Märzen.
      2. Noise Ordinance Blonde.
      3. Eye Pee, Eh?
      4. Reparations “Redline” Red Ale.
      5. River Raft Brown Ale.
      6. I Canton Believe It’s Not Bitter.
      7. Arden You Glad? Gose.
      8. Cycle Lane Cynic Imperial Stout.
      9. Chocolate Chicken Coop Porter.
      10. Rubbernecking Tourist Pale Ale.

Top five beefs brewing between Asheville Police Department and Buncombe County Sheriff’s Office

      1. Who does Kora the police poodle like more?
      2. Who gets to keep the drugs picked up from vagrants?
      3. Who gets to play with the drones during protest marches?
      4. Who’s got the slowest response time to someone being held up at knifepoint?
      5. Who would be the Jets and Sharks in a new production of West Side Story?

Top 10 priorities for Asheville City Council in 2024

      1. Make Canton Smell Again (MCSA).
      2. Chucking more money at the reparations commission.
      3. Figuring out spurious reasons to close their offices a day before a national holiday (aka Esther’s 4-Day Weekend Theory).
      4. Moving the Vance plinth to the South Carolina state border, then tipping it over so it’s their problem now.
      5. Writing a proposal that Kim Roney will actually support.
      6. Getting bogged down in another aimless cache of visioning plans.
      7. Unionizing against the tyranny of local residents.
      8. Karaoke machine at the next Council retreat.
      9. A vape in every home!
      10. Matching TDA neck tattoos.

Top five side hustles for buskers

      1. Nextdoor comment moderator.
      2. Onlyfans.
      3. Backup sirens for APD vehicles.
      4. Cryptocurrency consultant.
      5. Breaking and entering.

Top 10 Guinness World Records Asheville residents will attempt in 2024

      1. Longest water outage.
      2. Most Teacup Great Dane Yorkiedoodles in a dog park at the same time.
      3. Tightest poverty margin by a journalist.
      4. Most vapes smoked by a teenager in a high school bathroom.
      5. Longest convoy of 1999 Subaru Outbacks down Merrimon Avenue.
      6. Most Cinnabons consumed during a flight delay.
      7. Least stoned Billy Strings concert attendee.
      8. Warbliest busker cover of “Fools Rush In.”
      9. Longest wait time in the Mission Hospital ER.
      10. Most aligned chakra.

Top 10 anticipated complaints about living in Asheville in 2024

      1. “It was nicer before Roots Hummus closed.”
      2. “The bear-to-homeless ratio is off.”
      3. “We’re a quarter way through the century, and Esther Manheimer is still mayor.”
      4. “Now that the Canton Mill has closed, the stench of patchouli is overwhelming.”
      5. “Roving squads of Atlanta bachelorette parties and Charlotte finance/tech bros are killing the good vibes, man.”
      6. “The ‘Amazing’ Pubcycle is backing up traffic on I-26.”
      7. “My child’s math teacher quit to get better pay and benefits bartending at Texas Roadhouse.”
      8. “I left Florida to escape you people.”
      9. “I can only charge $2,500 a month for my converted chicken coop apartment.”
      10. “Damn liberals won’t let me open carry inside yoga studios.”

Top five events most likely to happen to Mountain Xpress in 2024

      1. Editorial team replaced by ChatGPT.
      2. Electromagnetic pulse attack erases all records of the publication’s existence.
      3. Staff realizes office manager Mark Murphy’s charming Irish slang words are actually embittered Irish curses and are turned into toads warm, half-filled pints of stout.
      4. Half the staff dies from eating spoiled salsa found in the back of the office fridge.
      5. The staff topless charity calendar idea is shelved another year.

Top five less publicized issues at Thomas Wolfe Auditorium

      1. The void to hell beneath the orchestra pit.
      2. Sentient asbestos and lead paint.
      3. Squirrel colony living in the all-gender restroom.
      4. The William Sydney Porter Society’s “Rename This Venue” campaign.
      5. Ice-skating rink beneath the floor.

Top five things former Buncombe County manager Wanda Greene spent money on in 2023

      1. Bougie prison outfits. (“They’re comfortable! Sue me.”)
      2. Cigarette cartons “for the girls back in the slammer.”
      3. Monthly bus passes.
      4. Glass house construction.
      5. Stone collection services.

Top five new local breweries

      1. The Nasty Possum.
      2. The Frisky Possum.
      3. The Nasty-Frisky Possum (merger).
      4. Happy Liver Beer Co.
      5. Totally Not a Money-Laundering Front Brewing Co.

Top 10 new “Best Of WNC” categories

      1. Friendliest bear.
      2. Dumbest tourist on the Blue Ridge Parkway.
      3. Most wolf decor in an Airbnb.
      4. Least commercially viable newly opened business.
      5. Most overrun pickleball court.
      6. Best 29-year-old independent alt-weekly newspaper.
      7. Least hateful /r/asheville user.
      8. Strangest pickled vegetable.
      9. Most expensive coffee drink.
      10. Asheville neighborhood least tolerant of change.

Top five most anticipated AVL Watchdog “Answer Man” columns for 2024

    1. Has Chuck Edwards ever been hugged?
    2. Does anyone actually work in the Citizen Times offices?
    3. Free-range toddlers or free-range chickens: Who’s more annoying?
    4. Which animal at the WNC Nature Center is the most depressed?
    5. Is this mushroom edible?
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