Editor’s note: The following predictions are part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. It’s all in good fun, folks.
Top 10 baby names for 2025
- Turby
- Clay
- Chandler
- Ben
- Woody
- Sofia
- Fema
- Windy
- Charlotte
- Not Helene
Top five trending panhandler signs in 2025
- FEMA stole my lithium stock.
- Need ca$h for crypto play.
- You might now have water and electricity again, but I’m still without.
- Where has all the post-Helene solidarity, love and unity gone?
- Need a ride to Charlotte.
Top five items found inside one of the city’s portable bathrooms that will continue to haunt your dreams in 2025
- Lidless water bottles filled with piss.
- Portal to hell.
- Your hopes and dreams.
- No toilet paper.
- Yourself.
Asheville’s top five marketing slogans, post-Helene
- Gateway to the wet
- Now with fewer chemtrails
- We’ll turn your water into … actually, we’ll just keep your water, thanks, but come have a beer!
- Where guests can order IPAs served in a Lowe’s 5-gallon bucket
- Come for the disaster porn, stay for the “Portland Loo”
Top 10 worst things to likely happen inside the 24/7 “Portland Loo” in 2025
- A tourist gets superhigh inside the bathroom and thinks the loo will transport him to Portland, Ore. He refuses to deplane for several hours.
- Raccoons occupy the site throughout February.
- The toilet gets clogged with old copies of Xpress.
- Once repaired, it gets clogged again by the lethal aftereffects of a Rankin Vault Pickle PBR and chili dog combo.
- Sunday night disco parties launch in June.
- City Council approves an additional $400,000 to install a bidet.
- Installation of said bidet experiences three-month delay.
- Bidet gets removed a week after its installation due to inappropriate use.
- Residents refuse to use the bathroom to protest bidet’s removal.
- City Council approves an additional $400,000 for a mural on the outside of the loo in honor of the bidet.
Bo Hess’ unstated ambitions for his first year on City Council
- Buy his fellow members breakfast once a month from Bojangles.
- Introduce a new policy for Council attire: ski goggles and black gloves are now mandatory.
- Free “Bo” haircuts for all city children under the age of 12.
Top five winter activities for a changing climate
- Cross-country gravel skiing
- Dry pavement skating
- Building slush people
- Tubing in the flood
- Golf
Mark Robinson’s top five goals for 2025
- Eat more pizza.
- Figure out how to use a VPN.
- Delete his cookie history.
- Stop relying on incognito mode.
- Actually post something on Pinterest.
Top five new career paths for Roy Cooper
- Cooper at Jim Beam
- Fred Rogers impersonator
- Traveling jacket salesman
- Shoeshiner for all the state legislators
- Official taste-tester at Flour
Top 10 things we’ll miss in 2025 now that we’ve got potable water
- Endless debates on how to pronounce “potable.”
- Daily robocalls from Clay Chandler (or was it Ben Woody?) about the boil-water notice.
- Office water bottle recycling bin dunking contests.
- Pondering the design possibilities for North Fork’s new curtains.
- Making friends in the potable water line.
- Crafting all those bespoke bottle-lid necklaces for new friends from the potable water line.
- Diverting money not spent on water bills to invest in cryptocurrency.
- Using paper plates and plastic sporks for every meal.
- Having a panic attack after accidentally brushing your teeth with tap water.
- The whirlwind of holiday water-tasting parties.
Top five items on your 2025 to-do list
- Scrape that Harris/Walz bumper sticker off the back of your 2008 Subaru Forester.
- Join, then awkwardly ghost, your neighbor’s polycule.
- Shower once every eight weeks because you’re kinda used to it now.
- Spend excessive amounts of time in traffic.
- Slowly wean yourself off MREs over an eight-month period.
Top five accomplishments for Xpress in 2025
- Adopt Interstate 40 westbound and rename it the Mountain Xpressway.
- Get that smell out of the refrigerator.
- Convince the city to continue to grant us free parking anywhere downtown.
- Buy a helicopter for funsies.
- Go in on a companywide timeshare in Charlotte.
Top five things most likely to happen after you’ve read this almanac
- You’ll be relieved to remember that you didn’t pay any money for this.
- You’ll be in possession of a fish wrapper.
- You’ll look up the word “polycule.”
- You’ll probably scroll through Instagram.
- You’ll move to Charlotte.
Top five reasons to be hopeful about 2025
- You won’t have to read the next Xpress almanac for another 12 months.
- Kim Roney’s nascent bike rental service.
- Firewood is bountiful.
- At least it’s not 2020.
- There’s always Charlotte.
Before you comment
The comments section is here to provide a platform for civil dialogue on the issues we face together as a local community. Xpress is committed to offering this platform for all voices, but when the tone of the discussion gets nasty or strays off topic, we believe many people choose not to participate. Xpress editors are determined to moderate comments to ensure a constructive interchange is maintained. All comments judged not to be in keeping with the spirit of civil discourse will be removed and repeat violators will be banned. See here for our terms of service. Thank you for being part of this effort to promote respectful discussion.