Dear Aurora: Asheville’s relationship advice column

Editor’s note: The following story is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. This is a satirical piece that is not meant to be taken seriously. Happy New Year. 

Dear Readers,

It’s officially cuffing season. What does this mean? Well, this is the time of year when single people pair up to endure the colder months in cozy companionship. But in Asheville, cuffing season takes on an entirely different meaning.

Here, we’re not cuffing a significant other — we’re cuffing our high-rise mom jeans to perfectly showcase our cute wool socks and Blundstones. Our aesthetic is unique, isn’t it? We strive for that effortlessly cool “just rolled out of bed, everything thrifted, haven’t washed my hair since Helene” vibe. But let’s be real: We’re rocking $500 haircuts, vintage Levi’s that cost more than a plane ticket to Hawaii and boots with price tags that rival a month’s rent in Montford.

Why do we put so much time, energy and money into perfecting this calculated disheveledness? To attract a mate, of course. But dear, naive reader, we are not like peacocks, who dazzle with panty-wetting tails. No, we’re humans — we have brains. We are the only animals with brains.

This year, instead of cuffing your pants and strutting your carefully curated stuff, consider showcasing your intellect. Woo your romantic interest by reciting a Shakespearean sonnet from memory or solving an elaborate math equation right there on your first date. Nothing says “I won’t gaslight you” like iambic pentameter.

Because here in Asheville, while our appearances may scream, “I don’t bathe,” what truly wins hearts is a mind as sharp as your appearance is crunchy. So cuff thoughtfully, dear readers, and may your wits stay as warm as your tootsies.

Dear Aurora, 

I’ve heard that Ingles stores are the best place to pick up a lady, whether you’re looking for a casual encounter or something more serious. I’ve been spending a lot of time at the Ingles on Haywood Road, but I haven’t even been able to make eye contact with anyone. Which Ingles should I shop at to find a one-night stand? Which aisles should I wander if I’m looking for true love?

–The Laura Lynn of Sin

Dear Laura,

This is such a wonderful question! First off, yes — Ingles is hands down the best place to find a mate, second only to Western Wednesdays at Double Crown.

If you’re seeking something casual and fleeting, I suggest shopping at the Ingles on Patton Avenue. There’s a strange, heavy aura about the place. Something survivalist in nature about it — which makes it the perfect place to find someone looking for a no-strings-attached quickie. My go-to strategy? Head straight to the back of the store and stand under the “Best Meat in Town” sign, winking at anyone who passes until someone comes home with me.

If you’re in the market for a more shelf-stable romance, I recommend the Ingles on New Leicester Highway. It’s got a Starbucks — that’s how you know it’s good. The atmosphere is lighter and the shoppers tend to exude a subtle thirstiness. I recommend making intense eye contact in the produce section. Bonus points if you order the same drink at the in-store Starbucks and bond over your mutual disdain for the corporate coffee giant. You hypocrite.

Remember, romance can bloom anywhere, even under fluorescent lights. Whether you’re searching for the Best Meat in Town or simply someone to share a life with, Ingles has you covered.

Yours,

Aurora

Dear Aurora, 

Single woman here. Is it even possible to date a man in Asheville who isn’t polyamorous? It feels like every man who shows interest either already has a girlfriend, a wife or some sort of amorphous “partner” they describe as their “best friend and transcendental soulmate.”

Don’t get me started on the Hinge matches who show up to dates and casually mention their girlfriend halfway through the meal. “By the way, I’m ethically nonmonogamous,” as if it’s a selling point instead of a curveball. I just want a man who’s emotionally available, romantically unentangled and maybe not splitting his time between a girlfriend, a wife and weekly anarchist macrame classes.

Is monogamy too much to ask for in a town where relationships are as fluid as locally brewed kombucha? Or am I doomed to a dating pool that comes with a side of shared Google calendars?

— Mona Gamy

Dear Mona,

First off, I want to state that whatever lifestyle choice a person chooses is entirely their business. I have seen polyamorous relationships thrive, and I have seen ENM “done right.” Meaning, open and honest communication, willing participants and no surprises halfway into an otherwise pleasant and promising Bumble date. That being said, you are sh*t out of luck. Everyone in Asheville is dating everyone else in Asheville. Maybe try Greenville.

Yours,

Aurora

Dear Aurora,

I recently went on a first date with a really cool gal I’ll call Starchild. Starchild seemed like a great match for me. Her Tinder bio was fire; she also likes slack-lining and hacky-sacking, and she listens to Billy Strings. We grabbed oat milk lattes at Pollen and then took a long, introspective walk through the heart-wrenching hurricane devastation in Carrier Park, reminiscing about the time before our lives were completely turned upside down. LOL, memories.

Eventually, we wound up at my place — she’d expressed interest in seeing my Tree of Life tapestries. We settled on my disgusting pleather couch, and I broke out my VHS collection, which really put us both in the mood. Things escalated, but when we started fooling around, the vibes shifted. She wasn’t into any of the things I introduced — nipple clamps, cages, chains, dog collars, hot candle wax.

So now I’m wondering: Is it valid to ghost someone after the first date because they aren’t kinky enough for you?

—Bound to Wonder

Dear Bound,

I always say, “A personal preference is a personal preference. It doesn’t make you good or bad, it simply means you’re human.” Just kidding — this is the first time I’ve ever said that. But hey, I stand by it. I also always never say, “Ghosting people is violently immature and should be punishable in a court of law.”

Listen — if you don’t want to see Starchild again, that’s perfectly fine. Not every connection is meant to work out, and sometimes people just don’t vibe. But ghosting her? Why? What did she do to deserve your sudden disappearance — politely decline a wooden paddle to the derrière?

If I were you (which I am, thankfully, not), I’d shoot her a simple, respectful text. Something like, “Hey, I had a really great time on our date. Thanks so much for the oat milk latte. [I’m assuming she paid.] Unfortunately, I don’t think our lifestyles align, and while I really enjoyed meeting you, I’m not interested in pursuing this further.”

There. Was that so hard? Now go clean that pleather couch, you dirty, nasty boy.

Yours,

Aurora