(HUMOR) Xpressers almanac: What’s ahead for 2023?

Editor’s note: The following content, unlike the rest of Mountain Xpress’ award-winning coverage of local news and events throughout the rest of the year, is 100% fake.

Top five Asheville City Council resolutions for 2023

1. Having failed to pass a permit system for feeding the homeless, start smaller by taxing people who throw breadcrumbs to pigeons.
2. Challenge Asheville Tourists owner, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine, to softball game; loser pays for $30 million in required improvements to McCormick Field.
3. Subsidize microhousing by investing in shrink-ray tech from Fantastic Voyage.
4. Meet green-energy goals by harnessing the steam that blasts out of Mayor Esther Manheimer’s ears during public comment sessions.
5. Just, like, good vibes, man.

Top 10 ways Asheville residents will avoid paying for parking

1. Hitch a ride with one of the buskers.
2. Montford, here we come!
3. Conscientious objection.
4. “Mommmmmm!”
5. Monty Python-style coconut “horses.”
6. Vertical parking — share a single spot with up to four cars!
7. Move to Morganton.
8. Counterfeit parking meter tokens made from bottle caps, sold in bulk at the Big Crafty.
9. Flood Parking Services Division manager Garret Male’s office with chocolate and flowers.
10. Use the Merrimon Avenue bike lanes? Eh, it’ll never work.

Top five new century-old finds at the Biltmore Estate

1. George Vanderbilt’s experimental Zorbing kit.
2. An early manuscript for Vanderboy, a Playboy-esque periodical.
3. Somehow, a perfectly preserved Dad Bod graffiti tag.
4. Edith Vanderbilt’s “hysteria cures.”
5. An under-swimming-pool swimming pool.

Top five new hobbies for former Buncombe County Commissioner Robert Pressley

1. Mustache modeling.
2. Power walking the Carrier Park Velodrome while making race car noises.
3. The quest for the perfect relish.
4. Finally getting around to those old unanswered Mountain Xpress Voter Guide questionnaires.
5. Coffee dates with former County Manager Wanda Greene, “for old times’ sake.”

Top 10 new ventures from Asheville icons

1. Guitarist Warren Haynes’ Christmas Jams, Jellies & Preserves.
2. Cúrate chef Katie Button’s face-tattoo removal shop.
3. Chai Pani chef Meherwan Irani’s Meherwan-only comedy club — no special guests.
4. Vinnie’s Neighborhood Italian owner Eric Scheffer’s Hairclub for Goombahs.
5. Asheville City Council member Kim Roney’s Security Services.
6. Highland Brewing Co. founder Oscar Wong’s Unicycle Academy.
7. Tony “Beer Guy” Kiss’ Champagne Bar.
8. Hemp entrepreneur Franny Tacy’s Straight Edge youth group.
9. Former Council candidate Andrew Fletcher’s Air Guitar Supercenter.
10. SKYline News founder Chad Nesbitt’s Homemade Cow Pies & Taffy.

Top five best-selling Asheville brews for 2023

1. Gentrified Neighborhood Porter — Bitter, overpowering and flat, this imperial porter is served warm because we can’t afford coolers anymore.
2. Downtown Hotel Hazy IPA — So cloudy you can’t see anything inside. A tough beer force-fed to you by an out-of-town bar worker.
3. Merrimon Ave Milkshake Seltzer — A stomach-churning flavor merry-go-round that will leave you breathless and heaving at the side of the road.
4. Tropical Tourist Fall Pumpkin Holiday Ale — A blitz of contrasting flavors, as confusing as a thousand multicolored fallen leaves.
5. Gerrymandered German-style Bock — A high-carbonation red ale sure to leave you feeling bloated and disenfranchised.

Top 10 items Chuck Edwards will find in Madison Cawthorn’s abandoned congressional office

1. 22,158 emails and 11,547 voicemails from constituents, all unanswered.
2. Calligraphy invitation to a GOP “sexual get-together.”
3. A series of haiku exchanges with Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, including the below:
   I eat, sleep, breathe, rage
   Tearing down progressive change
   Snowflake, why so woke?
4. Cover letter for Fox News commentator gig.
5. A 120-pack of Trojans, with 117 remaining.
6. Taxidermied bark trophies from tree-punching conquests.
7. Chick-fil-a gift card.
8. Guns. So. Many. Guns.
9. A copy of The U.S. Constitution for Dummies.
10. Hunter Biden’s laptop, but the contents have been replaced with Florida real estate photos and videos of Cawthorn pumping iron.

Top five ways Asheville will work to clean up downtown fast

1. Council revisits proposal to demolish downtown in favor of giant mall.
2. Instead, Council declares trash piles to be modern art installations.
3. Buy old equipment from the Cataloochee Ski Area and just cover the filth up with like a foot of clean, fresh snow.
4. Massive contract with College Hunks Hauling Junk.
5. Allowing citizen’s arrests of all bachelorette parties.

Top 10 incentives to increase ART bus passenger numbers

1. New buses with all seating in the back, where the cool kids are.
2. Two and a half words: Double-decker pubcycle.
3. “I Rode the Bus” stickers to share on social media.
4. Late-night service with blacked-out windows, a DJ, colored lights and a two-drink minimum.
5. NASCAR guest drivers.
6. LaZoom partnership.
7. Add a first-class section that costs $2, offers amenities like peanuts and feeling superior to other bus riders.
8. Beanbag chairs.
9. Free tacos. Everyone likes tacos.
10. Modernize the fleet and redesign routes to create a functioning citywide transport service? Just spitballing here.

Top five ways to protect wildlife from overdevelopment

1. Give the Hickory Nut Gorge green salamander tiny hard hats.
2. Deer-sized virtual reality goggles to help them remember “the good old days.”
3. Crystals.
4. Build miniature houseboats so critters can sail down the French Broad River (like Stuart Little!)
5. Create a 28th Amendment: the right to arm bears.

Top 10 Most Wanted noise ordinance offenders

1. Hippie neighbor having a water birth on their front porch.
2. Rooster barbershop quartet.
3. Amplified Yahtzee.
4. Bean Burrito Night at Mamacita’s.
5. Grove Park wine and cheese parties.
6. The maitre d’ at Vinnie’s yelling “Ehhhhhhhh!” when guests walk in.
7. Anyone who was just informed their Allegiant flight out of Asheville Regional Airport has been delayed three hours.
8. Asheville Police Department Chief David Zack, every time he hears about another thing an officer did to inspire a protest.
9. Teenagers just trying to exist in a town that has basically nothing to offer them.
10. Council member Kim Roney. (On further inspection, all reports filed by Mayor Manheimer during Council meetings.)

Top 10 rejected experiential article ideas for Xpress reporter Edwin Arnaudin

1. Pedal rickshaw driver
2. Mountain meteorologist. How hard could it be?
3. Bat Cave spelunker — never mind the guano.
4. Mountain lion tracker.
5. Street-corner preacher.
6. Xpress sales team.
7. Lead role in The Big Lebowski: The Musical.
8. Visualization of his own death with a West Asheville shaman.
9. Comment moderator on Oakley NextDoor.
10. Burger Bar karaoke host.