For the love of God, someone just buy my house already
Okay, I’m about freak out here people. I’ve got a 5-bedroom/3-bath stucco house that I’m trying to sell and I admit I’m starting to go a little nuts here.
I’ve got an ARM sucking me dry. I had to sell my car and I swear my wife is shacking up with our Realtor®, so for the love of God, BUY MY HOUSE!
I’ll throw in a dog. I’ve got a nice dog. Chow-Collie mix, house-trained. Re-name it whatever you want. I’ll mow your lawn for a whole year, swear to God. I’ll babysit your kids.
Hell, you want a kid? I can get you a kid. Nothing goes with a nice new house like a brand new kid! I got a boy or a girl. Just tell me what you want.
I’ll wash and wax your car. Folks, I’m dying here, dying. I’ve got a $4,300 monthly mortgage payment that’s got me sweating bullets. SO JUST BUY MY FREAKING HOUSE NOW! BUY IT! BUY IT! BUY IT!
Okay … okay, I’m sorry I lost it a little there. It’s okay. You’re right, there are several open houses you could be at right now and you chose mine. I apologize. Let me show you guys the basement.
Sure, I got the mortgage through a cousin of mine and lied a little about my income, like maybe that I had some, but still, who doesn’t lie a little about their income or that they didn’t “graduate” from college so much as get “kicked out for selling mushrooms.” But I mean, come on! Why don’t you want my house?
It’s a good house. The five months I lived here were very special. Those other houses are cheap. Look at them. Right out the window there. Pathetic.
You want quality? I’ve got quality. Mine’s better than all the others. Look at all those people driving by my “For Sale” sign. Don’t just drive by. Stop. Get out of your car, walk into my living room and smell the new carpet. Come on people!
For God’s sakes, will someone just BUY MY FREAKING HOUSE!
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