Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 02/06/08

For the love of God, someone just buy my house already

Sam Mafito

Okay, I’m about freak out here people. I’ve got a 5-bedroom/3-bath stucco house that I’m trying to sell and I admit I’m starting to go a little nuts here.

I’ve got an ARM sucking me dry. I had to sell my car and I swear my wife is shacking up with our Realtor®, so for the love of God, BUY MY HOUSE!

I’ll throw in a dog. I’ve got a nice dog. Chow-Collie mix, house-trained. Re-name it whatever you want. I’ll mow your lawn for a whole year, swear to God. I’ll babysit your kids.

Hell, you want a kid? I can get you a kid. Nothing goes with a nice new house like a brand new kid! I got a boy or a girl. Just tell me what you want.

I’ll wash and wax your car. Folks, I’m dying here, dying. I’ve got a $4,300 monthly mortgage payment that’s got me sweating bullets. SO JUST BUY MY FREAKING HOUSE NOW! BUY IT! BUY IT! BUY IT!

Okay … okay, I’m sorry I lost it a little there. It’s okay. You’re right, there are several open houses you could be at right now and you chose mine. I apologize. Let me show you guys the basement.

Sure, I got the mortgage through a cousin of mine and lied a little about my income, like maybe that I had some, but still, who doesn’t lie a little about their income or that they didn’t “graduate” from college so much as get “kicked out for selling mushrooms.” But I mean, come on! Why don’t you want my house?

It’s a good house. The five months I lived here were very special. Those other houses are cheap. Look at them. Right out the window there. Pathetic.

You want quality? I’ve got quality. Mine’s better than all the others. Look at all those people driving by my “For Sale” sign. Don’t just drive by. Stop. Get out of your car, walk into my living room and smell the new carpet. Come on people!

For God’s sakes, will someone just BUY MY FREAKING HOUSE!

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Seniors and Retirees

Senior Exercise Class
Start the new year off on the right foot, then slowly shift weight over to your left foot. Now breathe! YMCA, Mondays.


All One Asheville
You’ve tried the rest, now try the best. Asheville’s #1 unity group. Don’t be fooled by splinter groups such as “Asheville as One” and “Just One Asheville.” Those are cheap imitations started by former members who were disfellowshipped from All One Asheville for insubordination. Love offerings welcome! Mondays.

Aramaic Healing Circle
I can’t understand a thing you’re saying and my legs have fallen asleep. Mondays.

Messianic Studies
Once a week, a random member of the group will jump up, freak out and claim to be the Messiah. Basement of Pack Library, Mondays.

UFO Group
Looking for someone who can fly this thing. Mondays.

Support Groups

Adult Children of Alcoholics
Do you feel bad about speaking up for yourself? So do a lot of folks, it’s no big deal. Why are you always demanding everyone’s attention be focused on you? Why can’t you just take care of things and keep this household running, huh? Look, your mom got married too early. And papa was a rolling stone —she knew that going in. Her eyes were wide open. She was a party girl, fun, flirty and he was a stressed-out cat with a family history of alcoholism. Sure, they liked to have a good time, who doesn’t? Oh, not you — there you were, like a bump on a log in your high-chair. You’re all grown up now, but you can come on Monday. Bring your parents if they’re still around — they sound fun.

Art of Intimacy Practice Group
Afterward, we’re going to be the Art of Intimacy Perfect Group, baby. Mondays.

Debtors Anonymous
Nobody knows you when you’re down and out. Except for me, pal. I haven’t forgotten. Come or don’t come, I don’t care. I’ll get mine. Sleep tight, sweetie. I’m going to get what’s coming to me. I’ll be seeing you first thing Monday.

Emotions Anonymous
We’re here to help you kick emotions once and for all. Mondays.

Food Addicts Anonymous
First order of business: It is statistically impossible that all of you are named “Jared.” Please use your own name this week. Mondays.

Self-Healing Support Group
Meets on Tuesdays at gotcha! — that was a test! This is no time for you to go wobbly and begin looking outside yourself for healing. You can do this. On your own. Mondays or whenever is good for you. Good luck.


Critical Mass Bike Ride
Help promote hatred of bike riders in Asheville. For more information, give a shit-eating grin to the honking motorist behind you. Mondays.

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