Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 03/05/08

A weekly feature where we get to know local opinions and opinion-makers

Grog, a Swannanoa resident living within the maze of underground tunnels beneath the burnedout wreckage of the old Beacon Plant, has plenty to say on the topic of incorporation as a way to prevent annexation and loss of self-determination:

• Is he worried that residents will go to their mattresses one night in Swannanoa and wake up in Asheville? Hardly:

“Grog no sleep on mattress. Grog sleep on rock. HAR HAR! Grog no like annexation — make war on Asheville with spear!”

• How will the community adjust with changing times?

“Grog stop time with mighty war cry. RAAAA! Time stand still and stay same.”

• Do you feel it’s time Swannanoa stopped depending on county services and stood on its own two feet?

“Me drag knuckles. So what? Grog make sheriff come to cave if trouble too big for club.”

Clarification

Just clarifying here, America was founded by a band of Christian brothers, who were then replaced by Pagan leftists who have been dismantling this nation ever since. That I understand.

Now, these leftists have spent the better part of the last century and this one trying to convince us that America is not infallible and they are doing this by withholding our good news from us. And when they do give us good news, it’s about Cuba or something and how nice the weather is there. All of that is easy. I got it.

So, of the 300 million people in the U.S., there is a downtrodden and virtually surrounded Christian minority of 200 million people that is forced to legislate morality because if they don’t, the Pagans all around them will throw them to the lions and nobody will speak out because instead of being in the clear, loud-mouthy majority, these Christian iconoclasts are forced to sneak around and meet in secret because the wingnut left-wing ACLU wants to forcibly rip their Bibles out from their cold, dead hands. No, I’ve got a firm grasp on all that.

Now then, they actually tried to take Christmas away from me but, every year, at the very last minute, you pull out a miracle and keep Christmas on the public radar. I know all of that.

After eight years of the Bush presidency, the very worst thing that could happen to us is if some liberal gets in power, right? That I understand. Because my country has a huge national deficit and the last thing I need is for my tax rates to reflect this fact. Gotcha.

So, now, if a Democrat becomes president, then I’m really going to see things get screwed up. I mean, if I think things are screwed up now, wait until I have a liberal calling the shots. Right, I got that.

Allrighty then, just clarifying here — now, you’re saying the problem isn’t that the Republicans have been running the show, the problem is that the current Republican president is actually not Republican enough? Is that what you’re saying? Just making sure.

Also, the Republican presidential candidate that the Republicans have chosen is also not Republican enough? Is that why he’s going to lose by a landslide or is there some other reason? No, that’s it? OK. Not Republican enough, right on.

So the real problem is that we haven’t been disregarded and disenfranchised by a certified conservative, super-right-wing group of Republicans for the past eight years, but only by a middle-of-the-road Republican like Bush. Is that what you’re saying? OK.

Therefore, unless we allow a real hardnose conservative to tap our phones and waterboard us and suspend habeas corpus and generally mislead us, wild-eyed babyeating Islamo-fascists will come pouring over our borders and take all of our jobs and make me wear a burqa whenever I leave the house to go to the grocery store? Yes?

Thanks — just making sure I had all of that straight.