At least beer doesn’t talk back

When I go on a longer drive, I'll grab a 12-pack, hide it under the seat and drink while I cruise along. It helps alleviate the boredom of the interstate. Don't judge me — I don't get sloppy drunk. Just a couple of beers an hour really takes the edge off, ya’ know?

To be honest, sometimes I will catch myself daydreaming: driving too slow in the passing lane, tailgating or changing lanes without looking and cutting off a fellow motorist. Sorry about that. It's no biggie, though.

Now that I have the attention of every cop, trucker and MADD mothers, know this: I never carry a cell phone in my car, so I'm never among the population of wavering, wandering drivers yapping away on some hugely important phone call, completely oblivious to their position in traffic. I've used a cell in the car, and it's like blackout driving; when I would hang up, I couldn't remember the period of time I was on the phone, except for the pointless conversation.

Lately, as far as I can tell, virtually every one of you (yes, including police officers) is on a cell phone while driving. So judge if you may, but if I were really rolling along drunk, statistically and functionally, I would drive safer (and more politely) than you!

— Norman Plombe

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8 thoughts on “At least beer doesn’t talk back

  1. travelah

    You better make sure you don’t have a radio in your vehicle.

  2. normanplombe

    travelah-if you’re indicating that listening to the radio (one-way commmunication) is anywhere close to the mental dedication and focus required to maintain a remote, two way conversation via cell phone…you need to re-think your argument….CALL ME!!!…seriously, the most authoritative research agrees with me. cell phone interaction in a vehicle is strangely different from other forms of communication. it has to do with the parts of the brain that deal with ongoing real-time conversation within and without a given physical setting, and how other parts of the brain are therefore temporarily compromised.

  3. TallPaul

    Keep focusing on the inanimate objects.

    God forbid we should simply hold *individuals* responsible for their actions.

  4. normanplombe

    tallpaul, i make a clear distinction between the object (the phone) and the action (talking on the phone). i do at least 500 miles a week, and it doesn’t take many of those miles before you see some $%^&* talking on the cellphone and driving like a dunce.

    i do sincerely agree with the argument that if you can handle your driving while distracted or impaired, it’s your business. then again, they don’t breathalyze for cell phone…i’ll bet if they started checking cell phone records of drivers in accidents, we’d see a strong correlation.

  5. louis lange

    I drive to Atlanta and back a lot on business. What used to be a lovely drive is now nearly intolerable because every third car I pass has someone in it with their head up their phone. Local police, sheriffs, state troopers, truckers all on cell phones. “to do two things at once is to do neither very well” Kun-fu-tzu

  6. normanplombe

    Support from Bill Smith is rare. Thanks. I was riding the scooter today and got trapped pulling out by a no-signaling left-turner…yup, chatting it up on the phone…then I looked around and EVERYONE was on the phone. It reminded me of the scene in ‘Being John Malkovich’ when Malkovich himself went into the hole and EVERYONE was John Malkovich…except in my scene, everyone was on the phone…friggin surreal. And, safety aside, it just creates such a self-important image…”ENTERTAIN ME CONSTATNLY, OTHER ACTORS IN THE MOVIE STARRING ME!!!! I can’t bear to be alone with my own trivial thoughts for even a minute!”

  7. getRealPeeps

    I fully agree with your assessment of cell phone distracted drivers, but you may want to reconsider the whole beer thing.

    If you are involved in a wreck with any one of those distracted drivers and your BAC isn’t 0.0, it’s your fault. Period. Do you really want to be responsible for someone’s death? Especially when it is only LEGALLY your fault?

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