I’m feeling a mite bit grumpy this holiday season. I haven’t had time to shop or bake cookies or plan any holiday events. That’s part of my problem. But there are other holiday irritants (in addition to the Fraser fir next to my desk that I may be allergic to). I’m hoping that if I identify the stuff that’s turning me into a parenting Grinch, we can all commiserate together, purge the poison and find some pleasure in the holidays.
So here’s the stuff that I’d like to throw out with the freaking Christmas tree:
1. The recession. Isn’t it about time for this shit to be over? Feeling festive when there are bills to pay and mouths to feed, and not enough jobs or cash to go around sucks, to say the least. I don’t really understand what’s happening in places like Greece, but the headlines lately make me feel like puking up fruitcake.
2. The U.S. Congress. You people are useless. Who hired you anyway? Why is it too much for your constituents to ask that you help make the world a better place for our children? And how is it that you all take almost a month off for the holidays? Not fair.
3. Famligations. Yay, it’s the holidays — time to overspend, travel in crappy weather and take care of multiple family obligations — or “famligations,” as I like to call them. As in, put on your panty hose, show up and avoid talking about politics, sex or religion. At least I’m allowed to drink the eggnog.
4. People who drive whilst talking on their cell phones. Seriously, three people almost T-boned me and my kids during one short drive through Montford the other day. All three were gabbing on their phones while driving. There’s a reason the National Transportation Safety Board has recommended a nationwide ban on non-emergency cell phone use while driving. Because operating a multi-ton death machine while having a conversation with your partially deaf mother who is on vacation in Florida can only end in disaster.
5. Toy commercials. See recession. See unemployment. See Congress. See Johnny beg for plastic crap made in China that requires multiple weird-sized batteries and will break in less than 10 minutes. See Johnny cry and ruin Christmas morning for the entire family.
6. Glitter. Since when has glitter become a cultural norm for every single holiday, party and hippie jam concert (OK, it’s been de rigueur at the latter since inception)? One of my kids recently brought home a “gift bag” full of candy and green and red glitter. That stuff is now all over my house, in my washing machine, and somehow, even in my contact solution (nothing like accidentally inserting glitter onto your eyeball first thing in the morning). It’s the most invasive stuff in the universe. If the government really wants to keep tabs on all of us, they should embed tiny computer chips in glitter.
7. People who don’t understand that Edgy Mama is an opinion column. It’s my opinion. It’s not news. It’s not my editor’s opinion. It’s not the Mountain Xpress’ take on the world. It’s my Grinchy opinion. Period.
OK. I feel better. Got a family-related (or sort of family-related) holiday irritant? Talk to me in the comments section at http://www.mountainx.com.