Millions of brain cells committed suicide last Friday when exposed to Miss March, a “film” that has the distinction of being both less funny and more tasteless than the now-playing The Last House on the Left. For that matter, Miss March also easily snatches the title of “Worst Film of 2009” from the previous holder, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, which looks like Oscar bait by comparison. It is simply not possible to adequately convey how bad this movie is—at least not within the boundaries of vocabulary established by the Mountain Xpress, which prevent me from using the precise words to describe this … abomination. This is a work that may, in fact, redefine the very word “bad.”
Miss March (the title changed from Miss February when the movie’s release date was postponed) is the creation of two guys from a TV show called The Whitest Kids U Know—and it looks it. The pair responsible are Trevor Moore (who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Jim Carrey) and Zach Cregger (who doesn’t suffer from the Carrey affliction). They wrote this mess, directed this mess and star in this mess. Never has the term “triple threat” had such resonance. Their idea of humor is predicated on screaming a lot, bombarding the viewer with a notion of sex that would embarrass a backward 14-year-old boy, while topping it off with a variety of gags centered on faulty bowel control. It’s the sort of thing that could lead one to feel the need to reassess Tom Green’s Freddy Got Fingered (2001).
The premise (such as it is) has high-school über-nerd Eugene Bell (Cregger)—a guy who goes around with his girlfriend, Cindi Whitehall (Raquel Alessi, Ghost Rider), lecturing elementary-school students about sexual abstinence—being pressured by said girlfriend into having sex on prom night. Unfortunately, Eugene has a goat-like buddy, Tucker Cleigh (Moore), who gets him drunk prior to the planned event. This results in Eugene falling down some basement stairs and being brained by a variety of toolboxes, leaving him in a coma for four years. Alas, he doesn’t stay that way—thanks to Tucker, who revives Eugene by hitting him in the face with a baseball bat. This allows the plot to proceed—at least after Eugene tries to stand up and spectacularly unleashes his bowels all over the floor. It’s downhill from there.
Eugene quickly learns that virginal Cindi is now a Playboy centerfold model (albeit a remarkably modest one), so he and Tucker plan on beating a path to the Playboy mansion for some annual party that’s taking place in three days. But first, they need to get Eugene up and walking in the next couple of days. However, things kick into gear sooner when Tucker inadvertently triggers an epileptic seizure in his girlfriend, Candace (TV actress Molly Stanton), whilst she’s performing a personal activity on him, causing Tucker to stab her in the face with a fork several times to get her to stop. (I couldn’t make this up). As a result, Candace is out for revenge—along with her psychotic fireman brother (TV actor Geoff Meed)—leaving Tucker on the run with incontinent Eugene in tow. Much thrashing about, screaming and encounters with angry firemen ensue as Tucker and Eugene attempt to make their way across the U.S.
To liven things up there are Russian lesbians, a rapper by the name of Horsedick.MPEG (Craig Robinson, Pineapple Express), Playboy bunnies, a gag involving a dog urinating into someone’s champagne and four or five more gags involving Eugene’s bowels. In some inexplicable manner, this is meant to pass for a heart-warming story with life lessons. That the life lessons are delivered by Hugh Hefner may or may not make them more specious. Take my advice: Go rent National Lampoon’s Golddiggers (2004) instead. Rated R for strong crude and sexual content, nudity, pervasive language and some drug use.