Big news here in Edgy land. This is my final Edgy Mama column. I’m traveling a new career path, one that other Ashevillians have taken, though I’ll be the first female to dip my big toe into the vat o’ hops.
Yes, I’m going to open another brewery in Asheville-number 6 or 7, depending on when certain in-the-works breweries put the barley to the pedal.
Why another brewery? Because I’m a craft beer addict with nothing better to do than quaff brewskis and watch my waistline expand to Rush Limbagh proportions. But what about raising the kidlings, you ask? That, my friends, is the piece de resistance – the Edgy Mama Brew Pub will be the kid-friendliest brewery in America.
Those 21-and-under are welcome, but not to quaff the adult beverages. Here’s the plan: I’ll be building a basement play area for kids and a giant rubber-walled playpen for the rug rats (care provided by thirsty UNCA students-bartering’s a great thing!). All walls will be painted with blackboard paint for our budding graffiti artists. The “play” basement will have Spongebob Squarepants on continuous repeat. The play pen will feature Teletubbies DVDs. No stoners allowed in the playpens, unless they’re willing to change diapers.
I’ve got engineers working on a plan to burn the diapers in a newfangled E. coli-filtering contraption and use the heat to power the pizza ovens. The ultimate in recycling.
I’ve been researching brew recipes, and I’ve come up with formulations for an Edgy IPA, Parental Angst Porter, Shut It Stout, and Anger Management Amber Ale.
I’m tired of pouring out my parenting woes here in the pages of Mountain Xpress. I’m going to start pouring them out in my own brew pub, while chugging my own Parental Angst Porter.
Instead of my kids growing up watching me tap at a computer keyboard, they’ll learn some real life skills, like how to mash hops, ferment, and best of all, how to draw a draught beer with the perfect amount of head.
Who needs a formal education? We’ll do home-brewing classes for the home-schooling crowd.
The Edgy Mama Brew Pub’s menu will include cheese pizza, jelly sammiches (hypo-allergenic), and “not” dogs (all organic and locally-sourced, of course). Free ice cream sundaes for dessert every night (not just on Tuesdays like those cheapskates at Asheville Pizza & Brewing Company). Parents get beer, beer, beer. Water on demand.
To really wet your malt, we’ll have a trolley train, complete with snazzy decorations and snappy performers (take that, LaZoom Bus Tours). In addition to regular appearances by Cowboy Drew, 23 Skidoo will hip-hop it down the line (trading for a lifetime supply of Edgy IPA and cheese pizza for Saki). The goal here is to deliver tipsy parents safely back to their abodes. For an extra tenner, after we deliver you home, Cowboy Drew will stay and sing your kidlings to sleep while you … whatever.
I have faith that this new concept in restaurant design will be franchiseable. Keep your eyes open for Asheville’s Edgy Brew Pub – the ultimate family-friendly drinking pub.
So long, beloved readers. Come see me behind the bar.
Anne Fitten “Edgy Mama” Glenn writes about a number of subjects, including parenting, at www.edgymama.com.