Local author shares her tale of finding her biological family

“I didn’t look, walk or talk like anyone in my family so I made myself up,” says local author, activist and entrepreneur Valerie Naiman.

Raised by adoptive parents, Naiman spent years piecing together the story behind her biological family. In her book, Mystic Masquerade: An Adoptee’s Search for Truth, which came out last year, the author takes readers on her journey of familial knowledge and self-discovery.

“My birth mother put a fake name for herself on my birth certificate and a fake address for where she was living,” Naiman explains. “Excavating the truth about my stolen identity led me into a deep dive about the truth of humanity’s identity. I consider myself to be a serial truth seeker.”

The book includes Naiman’s travels from the Amazon jungle to the streets of India, Europe, Thailand, Bali and beyond. In the 1980s, she landed in Asheville, where she co-founded the Earthhaven Ecovillage and later launched a series of businesses. By then, she was already actively searching for her biological family.

“Finding my birth parents seemed as insurmountable as knowing where humanity came from,” she says. After multiple DNA tests, she continues, “I turned to psychics and detectives. Wading through a muck of secrets, lies and falsified documents, I finally found my mother when she was 94 years old.”

Xpress caught up with Naiman to dig more into her new book and the many twists and turns she experienced throughout her life’s journey.

Editor’s note: This interview has been condensed and lightly edited for clarity. 

Xpress: How many years did you spend looking for your biological family, and what was the drive behind that exploration?  

Naiman: I began my search in 1972, when my adoptive parents passed. My drive was a deep desire to know who birthed me. After years of nondigital research, I got three DNA tests, which created more confusion. It was only four years ago when I hit bingo.

How has this discovery helped you understand who you are? 

Finding my birth mother, even though I had to remain a secret to her family, was astonishing. Recognizing myself in her mannerisms, speech and laughter provided me with a startling mirror. When she let me meet my siblings, by posing [me] as a photographer for a party she threw, the looking glass exploded. Recognizing myself in others gave me a rich understanding of how I got to be the me that I created without them.

Why did you have to pose as a photographer?

My mother agreed to meet me only if I kept her secret. After six months of pleading with her, she agreed to let me meet ‘her’ family — my biological family — if I told no one. She threw a party, and they all came, and I posed as a photographer. Right before my biological mother passed away, I called her and she screamed, “This is my daughter.” I said I thought I was a secret, and she said, “There’s no time for secrets anymore.” I didn’t say anything to her family myself until after she passed.

How do you feel now about your biological family and their response to you?

I felt victorious to find them beyond all odds. At the same time, it was a mixed bag. I found two half-sisters who rejected me and two brothers who invited me into their lives. My father was 6 feet under when I reached his tombstone, and it read, “I did it my way.”  My biggest joy was meeting my mother and being able to see her for four years before she passed Christmas night.

How has meeting other adoptees helped you, and how does sharing your story help others? 

Writing my book, Mystic Masquerade, connected me with the awesome supportive community of adoptees. Hosting adoptee support groups in Asheville connected many of us locally. Some of us had never talked to other adoptees before. I realized how much trauma is involved in being separated from one’s mother. I also finally understood where my coping mechanisms came from around bonding, relationships and control.

Connecting with other adoptees is an immense aid to healing the trauma. Most adoptees feel unwanted, unloved. I was shocked to discover that the suicide rate of adoptees is four times greater than the suicide rate of nonadoptees. The narrative around adoption unfortunately is geared to the multibillion-dollar business of marketing and selling children. The child, of course, has no say and is only expected to be grateful. We need and deserve to know who we are. A growing number of adoptees are advocating to change the narrative.

Can you speak more to that narrative? 

The narrative is that adoptive parents can get a clean-slate child to mold and form as they like, but it doesn’t work that way. There are billions of dollars spent on advertising for people to adopt a child, that so many children need adoption, and what a good thing it is for a child. If they put a quarter of those funds spent promoting adoption into supporting the women who get pregnant, there would be fewer emotional problems. Everyone knows you don’t even remove a puppy from its mothers for two months, but many adoptees get pulled from their biological mothers at birth.

Sharing my story helps people understand adoption in a more realistic way. More than half of Americans have personal experience with adoption, not including the millions in foster care. I believe it’s vital to know the truth about adoption from the most affected person in the process — the adoptee.