Intermedia and three other cable-franchise holders overpaid Asheville some $5.2 million since 1967, according to a consultant’s report released last week. The city’s cable contract requires the franchise holder to pay the city 6 percent of service charges, but for years, parties to the contract have argued about which revenues should be included in calculating […]

Asheville officials are hiring the Charlotte-based organizational-development firm Greeley and Williams to determine whether the city is spending its money wisely on consultant fees. “The city has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars during the last few years on consultant fees,” said Mayor Leni Sitnick. “Council is wondering whether the taxpayers are getting their money’s […]

In a revolutionary scientific breakthrough, scientists at the Asheville Chakra Center have discovered a free, unlimited source of power, dubbed “cosmoelectric.” “During morning meditation one day, we were pondering how hydroelectric plants use running water to generate electricity,” said Dr. R.U. Vedic, “when we realized that the future is constantly flowing through the present into […]

In a land-swap deal worked out between City Council and area developers, land in Asheville will be swapped for land in Gastonia. “It’s a classic example of a win/win, public/private deal,” gushed Buncombe Economic Development Director Bill Jones. “Gastonites were sick and tired of all the polluting industry, the hot climate, the jokes about excess […]

An Asheville woman has filed suit against a grocery-store clerk for pinching her on St. Patrick’s Day, even though she was wearing green at the time. According to police reports, Meghan Eileen O’Flannahan was purchasing a six-pack of Guinness at the Fresh Market on Merrimon Avenue on March 17 when the clerk, Catherine Colleen O’Malley, […]

In a surprise move, Asheville City Council came out of closed session on April 1 to announce the sale of the Vance Monument for $1 billion. “This is a great day for the city,” said Vice Mayor Ed Hayword. “With that money, we can build a Six Flags over Asheville at Richmond Hill — and […]

Fast food may be cheap, but the money adds up: Two men have recently pleaded guilty to scamming large amounts of money from businesses selling burgers and snacks. Benjamin James Lonic, 27, of Horseshoe, was accused of skimming more than $200,000 through Info Trap, a company providing payroll services to other companies. In Buncombe County […]

Full-spectrum road rage In an attempt to counter the increasing frequency of “road rage” incidents in Buncombe County, commissioners voted recently to replace the traditional red light bulbs in the county’s traffic lights with full-spectrum red lights from Earth Fare. “Full-spectrum lights bring an aura of purity and freshness to people, objects and surroundings,” said […]

After keeping close watch on local worms, Gravity Commissioner Wayne Smith has concluded that we in western North Carolina may be living in the midst of a full-blown gravitational anomaly. Earthworms, says Smith, are “very sensitive” and react to — perhaps even predict — shifts in gravity. The commissioner has monitored both captive and free-range […]

True or false: The Metropolitan Sewerage District is a branch of Buncombe County government. Answer: False. If you guessed right, you’re doing well: In a recent survey, 36 percent of Buncombe County residents had the mistaken impression that their sewage is treated by a county agency; another 26 percent figured the MSD is connected to […]

A United Nations reconnaissance helicopter ran afoul of a militia dirigible over Asheville yesterday and fell into the French Broad River, according to a story in the April 1 WNC Paranoiac — the official newsletter of Citizens Against Anything Not Taught in Vacation Bible School, a watchdog group seeking to slow the pace of human […]

Some people think barking dogs are a nuisance; others figure it’s just natural for dogs to bark. Some folks say all dogs in the county should be restrained; others maintain that a dog living on 30 acres doesn’t need fencing. And so it was that, after more than an hour spent hearing the pros and […]

Help animals The Foster Animal Network needs volunteers to temporarily care for cats, and permanent owners to love them for ever after. Currently, the nonprofit places only cats, explained Suzanne Orsban, the program’s director. (The network used to place dogs, too, and would consider extending the service to them again if enough people were interested. […]

Sometimes a lame horse needs shooting. The day of reckoning arrived last December for a row of ailing Bradford pear trees in downtown Asheville. After watching last year’s winter weather decimate the trees, the First Baptist Church’s building-and-grounds committee decided to avoid a recurrence of the disaster by felling its 24 Bradford pears. For 20 […]

Already facing a lengthy agenda — and the challenge of getting through it all by 6 p.m. (when they were expected at an annual dinner) — Buncombe County commissioners seemed surprised when they entered their chambers on March 10 and found the room packed with agitated county residents waiting to comment on their tax revaluations. […]

Helga, an octogenarian turtle, spoke to Dr. Laurel Davis, an Asheville veterinarian. “It was a lilting voice, and sort of an English accent,” Laurel recalled. When Laurel asked Helga why she wasn’t having babies, the turtle responded, “I haven’t felt like it. Why are you here, anyway?” Helga told Laurel that she’d like the person […]

Even if you don’t learn to communicate telepathically with your pets, there are some general rules that can make everyone’s lives easier. Consider a sampling of animal communicator Cathy Easterbrook‘s advice: • Be aware that animals can pick up your thoughts — although they don’t always choose to tune in. (Who would want to hear […]