(HUMOR) Updates on WNC’s 2024 celebs

Editor’s note: The following story is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. This is a satirical piece that is not meant to be taken seriously. Happy New Year. 

To say that 2024 was a tumultuous year for Western North Carolina would be putting things mildly. We went through a lot — both good and bad. (OK, mostly it was bad.) However, Tropical Storm Helene was not the only thing that happened last year. And while time marches forward, it’s important to  look back. Which is why I checked in for updates on some of WNC’s most noteworthy heroes and celebrities of 2024.

Bucks 4 Buckets 

Truly one of the unsung heroes during Tropical Storm Helene was the blue 5-gallon buckets from Lowe’s. You know them. You love them. You probably used them to fill up your toilets or do dishes for at least a couple weeks. But where are they now?

Some of the buckets are reportedly living under porches, in storage sheds or tucked into closets. Sadly, these are the lucky ones. Most of the blue buckets have been abandoned, scattered throughout town with nowhere to go. (Some residents I spoke with told me off the record that the very presence of these buckets reminded them of the storm’s trauma and proved too much to bear.)

I, for one, hate to see these proud, heroic buckets left to rot alone. Which is why I’ve launched Bucks 4 Buckets, a charitable fund to help these poor receptacles thrive. Please email me if you would like to contribute. I will send you a link to my personal Venmo. Rest assured, at least 5% of that money will go toward feeding, clothing and housing these brave buckets.

Seduced by fame

I’m sure many of you remember the bear cub from earlier this year that a group of people pulled from a tree to take a selfie with. As it turns out, this selfie was not just another act of mankind spitting in the face of natural selection. The bear cub in question (who has asked to go unnamed) needed to be rehabilitated before it could go back into the wild. Sources say that the bear cub was possibly orphaned, and for the sake of the selfie-takers, I hope that is the case. I know I wouldn’t want to face an angry bear, hell-bent on finding her cub and taking revenge on the people who separated it from her. I’m imagining it sort of like the movie Taken, but instead of Liam Neeson, it’s a bear. (Note to self: Contact agent to see if we can sell possible Taken but with bears script to major studios. Also, get an agent.) I am happy to report that the bear cub has been fully rehabilitated now and was released back into the wild. There is a rumor, however, that being on national news gave the cub a taste for fame, and it is currently in talks to play the bear in FX’s hit show “The Bear.”

Asheville’s Bescumbered Batman!

In early June 2024, with the controversial business improvement district poised to pass through City Council, a hero emerged. Dressed in an inflatable poop emoji costume, this Asheville citizen stood up and said, “Enough!” Emblazoned on the back of the proud costume were the words, “Look out Asheville, avoid the trap. Just remember, the B.I.D. is C.R.A.P.”

Powerful words, indeed.

Now, I know what the acronym for BID stands for, but I’m not so sure about CRAP. Maybe: Cool Rats Ate Pizza. Or, I dunno, Capitalism Runs Asheville’s Politics. It’s probably that one, I bet. (I don’t remember the BID mentioning anything about rats or pizza.)

Despite the efforts of our local sewer-based Superman — our Bescumbered Batman! our Brown Lantern! — the BID did indeed pass. And the poop emoji has not been seen since. They were the hero that Asheville deserved, but not the one it needed back in June.

Try as I might, I could not find out who was behind the fecal suit. I do hope that whoever they are and wherever they may be, they are doing well. And I hope they realize the great service they’ve done.

You know, every year I take a holiday. I go to Hendersonville. There’s this cafe downtown. Every fine evening, I sit there and order a coffee. On my latest trip, I had this fantasy that I would look across the tables and I’d see you there, with a poop emoji wife and maybe a couple of poop emoji kids. You wouldn’t say anything to me, nor I to you. But we’d both know you’d made it, that you were happy.