Humor: We got your jobs, right here

“Why are they publishing this Crier rubbish?” you may be asking. We certainly are. The rest of this edition of Mountain Xpress can’t help but show the tough times WNC is facing. Here’s one little spot in the paper where we offer a bit of levity, to possibly brighten someone’s day, poking a bit of fun at the outrageousness of it all.

With more than a million people out of work due to the coronavirus shutdown in North Carolina, there are plenty of potential employees ready for work. At our creditors’ behest, this week’s Crier is introducing classified job listings, featuring opportunities created by the Phase 2 regulations that you’ll only hear about in this fine publication.

Mask enforcement bouncer

Bars are closed, but restaurants with alcoholic beverages are open, so bar staff is needed to keep the unruly mask haters in line. Big? Strong? Got a scary beard after being locked inside for three months? This may be the temporary (?) career for you.

Eyebrow movement interpreter

Are you an empath with a gift for body language? Business lunches and livestreamed meetings that require masks need your services to understand what the heck anybody is talking about behind their lumpy, homemade mask. Is the commissioner from District 1 truly excited about the motion up for dis- cussion, or is it simply the bean burrito she had for lunch making itself known? Only you and she can be certain.

Early childhood experts 

Only those with a master’s degree or higher need apply for this challeng- ing role to instill mask-wearing and handwashing habits in preschoolers. Additional duties include teaching kids to maintain 6 feet of distance from one another, even as they whine, “He hit me!” or “Annie’s making a face at me under her mask!”

Graffiti cleaner/mural artist

Many surviving businesses want murals painted to show solidarity with a cause, others need graffiti removed after inactivity. If you know your way around a spray can, be it Krylon or Scrubbing Bubbles, your services are in demand. $7.50/hr for creation or $8.50/hr for cleaning.

Hug blocker at house of worship

Churches may have scored a religious exemption for their group services, but cautious pastors still worry about faith-in- spired physical outpourings of brotherly love. Boxing referee, soccer goalie and/or football special teams experience preferred.


The college experience, aka the epitome of American citizenry, is on sabbatical for the time being. To help bridge the gap, virtual reality programmers are needed to simulate various aspects of campus life that just aren’t the same over Zoom, including fights with new roommates, poor decorating choices, “the Freshman 15,” alcohol poisoning, walks of shame, making up excuses for turning in late work, etc.

Phase planners

You will lead the development of new phase options following an exten- sive, data-driven planning process. Experience establishing targeted met- rics, planning for phases related to the metrics, disregarding performance against those metrics and phasing in incremental planned phases is required.

Check the Crier’s online classified listings for information on additional openings, including

  • Crowd simulators: Small groups who spread out at sporting events and change seats every five seconds
  • Pop-up gym personal trainer
  • Mobile bingo caller
  • Outdoor disco ball installer
  • Door-to-door museum docent
  • Mediator at Celebrity’s Hotdog
  • Movie reenactor
  • Fine art describer
  • Gov. Roy Cooper mind reader

Thanks for reading through to the end…

We share your inclination to get the whole story. For the past 25 years, Xpress has been committed to in-depth, balanced reporting about the greater Asheville area. We want everyone to have access to our stories. That’s a big part of why we've never charged for the paper or put up a paywall.

We’re pretty sure that you know journalism faces big challenges these days. Advertising no longer pays the whole cost. Media outlets around the country are asking their readers to chip in. Xpress needs help, too. We hope you’ll consider signing up to be a member of Xpress. For as little as $5 a month — the cost of a craft beer or kombucha — you can help keep local journalism strong. It only takes a moment.

Before you comment

The comments section is here to provide a platform for civil dialogue on the issues we face together as a local community. Xpress is committed to offering this platform for all voices, but when the tone of the discussion gets nasty or strays off topic, we believe many people choose not to participate. Xpress editors are determined to moderate comments to ensure a constructive interchange is maintained. All comments judged not to be in keeping with the spirit of civil discourse will be removed and repeat violators will be banned. See here for our terms of service. Thank you for being part of this effort to promote respectful discussion.

Leave a Reply

To leave a reply you may Login with your Mountain Xpress account, connect socially or enter your name and e-mail. Your e-mail address will not be published. All fields are required.