BY KEVIN MILLER
Hi! My name is Kevin, and I just moved back to North Carolina after a 15-year hiatus. West Asheville is now home to me, my two dogs and the worst dating scene since the bubonic plague.
No one said dating is easy. It’s one of the most written and sung about topics for a reason. Yet there’s not a ton of precedent for dating during a pandemic. The last time I checked, Dan Savage and Cheryl Strayed weren’t around during the Black Death or Spanish flu. Most of us single folks are in uncharted territory.
But, why, does it seem, is dating in Asheville as a new arrival during COVID-19 so particularly hard?
To channel Sacha Baron Cohen, I am a straight, cisgender, white male, and for that, I apologize. I acknowledge my dating life will be very different than many in the community due to my race, sexual preference and gender. Additionally, after 10 years in a relationship, I’m not looking for anything serious. I’m mostly interested in having fun, meeting cool people and, of course, getting laid. Also, let’s just roll on the assumption I’m not an ax murderer and don’t have a third eye.
Does it all hinge on Tinder?
How does a new arrival meet people during the worst pandemic in modern history? Most bars and restaurants in Asheville are at limited capacity, strongly discourage intertable mingling and close around 9 p.m. That leaves dating apps, of course. Or at least, that’s what worked in the Big Apple. So dating apps, it is! Or maybe it isn’t.
My first complaint is the chat-to-meet ratio. Most people seem more interested in gaining a new pen pal than a new partner. Why does one join an app if not to meet people? I’m using Tinder (known for fostering hookups), Hinge (more of a young professional crowd) and Bumble (the woman makes the first move). The process for me has typically been match, chat, meet up. Seems simple enough.
However, there seems to be a misunderstanding of how to use the apps in AVL. I’ve never met so many people looking for self-validation. I’ll match, we’ll chat for a day or two, and then when I want to meet up — or at the very least, exchange numbers — I’m told, “I’m not meeting new people right now” or “I don’t feel comfortable meeting strangers.” OK, what are we doing here, Karen? Was my distaste for olives really that interesting? Was the picture of me playing banjo with a mask on really that inspiring? There are plenty of ways to pass the time without involving my bruised ego. Might I suggest trolling recent arrivals to town on Asheville Riff-Raff? Or calling a friend?
I understand this isn’t Brooklyn, a place where you can swipe at 3 p.m., go on a date by 7 and be locking lips by 10. Was it wrong of me to expect the same out of the apps in Asheville? It looks like it. Perhaps it’s more conservative down here or maybe my aesthetic doesn’t hit the same south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Regardless, big city tactics aren’t working for me in my new home.
Is IRL a real thing anymore?
So, the apps suck. The other approach is just talking to people in real life. First, let’s state the obvious — masks make this an awkward proposition. There are a lot of butterfaces getting away with murder right now. How am I supposed to appropriately judge someone’s attractiveness with half their face covered? What if she has the top face of Gal Gadot but the bottom face of Glenn Quagmire? Until that mask comes off, it’s hard to tell.
If you’re not that shallow, maybe you feel it’s truly what’s inside that counts. Great! Now you just have to approach someone during a pandemic when guidelines state to actually not do that at all! The CDC advises the public to limit interactions with strangers, stay 6 feet away from people and to choose safe social activities. So even if you have the chutzpah to approach a table of strangers, don’t get too close, don’t take off your mask, and, of course, don’t touch. Essentially, hitting on a stranger is a violation of CDC protocol and a general “screw you” to everyone trying to stay safe while living their lives. Simply put, I think it’s rude to approach strangers right now.
Friends of friends?
So at this point, you’re either commiserating or figuring out the best way to cancel me. Either way, glad you’re still here!
Normally, I’d say the best way to meet real people who you actually have something in common with is through friends. Your current friends’ single friends are often your best bet for meeting like-minded folk. Of course, if you live in Asheville, everyone is friends with everyone, so maybe that’s not the best idea. For example, despite all the roadblocks, I’ve been on dates with three women since I moved to the area. To my complete surprise, at some point in the dates, I discover they all know each other. This has never happened to me in NYC. I was shocked and, to put it bluntly, kind of embarrassed. It made me look superthirsty — which I am.
Clearly, dating is hard in general. Dating during pandemic? Even harder. Dating during a pandemic in Asheville? Wut? So in an effort to minimize the spread of COVID and to decrease my own depression, I’m going to pause all dating efforts. The apps are a sham, approaching strangers in real life seems to be in bad form, and I have no friends to introduce me to their hot single roommates. So for now, it’s just me, my two amazing dogs and this unused bearskin rug. Come say hi! Actually, don’t. And can you put your mask over your nose, please?
Kevin Miller is a musician and writer based in West Asheville. He lives with his dogs Elma and Nui. Do you have a poop bag he could borrow?
154 thoughts on “(HUMOR) What I’ve learned about dating in Asheville during a pandemic”
your evil governor cooper has not given you permission to date or be close to anyone duh…get the EFF away from all others of your species…don’t be a spreader.
Your borderline mysogynistic views on women was one part concerning, but another part hilarious. However, leave olives out of this. They are literal nectar of the Gods. Have you even TRIED to put them on a sandwich? On a pizza? In an omelette?? I know that last one is weird, but like French people do it! And they get laid like alllllll the time. Even with names like Pierre, or Michelle! That’s gotta mean something.
– Lodge Blackman
Lives alone with his two olives.
Anyone wanna make a salad?
You sold me on at least trying a kalamata from time to time 🫒🫒🫒
can you go back to NYC lol this was a bore to read… idk if Asheville has anything to do with you having no luck. You seem kinda entitled to a hook up and you honestly seem kinda confused on how to treat woman… either way thank you for adding your name to this article so woman&men&thems can read this and swipe left lol
“I’m mostly interested in having fun, meeting cool people and, of course, getting laid.”
I commend your honesty. I’m not sure how well that last part will help your efforts (excepting women looking for the same casual connection), but, again, at least you’re clear about your desires.
Good luck on dating — especially in a town full of so many snowflakes and fruitcakes. There are many great folks, too, but it’s gonna take more time, effort, and for things to become more “normal” again, before you find them.
Until them, maybe stock up on hand lotion.
It pays to be honest Erwin. This post was sponsored by Jergens…just kidding…unless?
Jergens? I’m sure they’d be glad to give you a hand…
Gross! I knew I shouldn’t read this. This is exactly why 1-I don’t date and 2-am moving as soon as I’m able. Oh, you’re bummed because strangers aren’t gleefully allowing you to use their bodies for shallow meaningless sex during a pandemic? Why don’t you take your narcissistic toxicity elsewhere? Oh wait, actually, you’ll probably fit right in here!
It kind of feels like your sex shaming me while also putting down the entire town of Asheville. I have to say, even I am impressed with that level of negativity. Bravo!
Hi Kevin! I just want to say Thank You for sharing your experiences and perspective so honestly and with vulnerability. I read this article because I saw that it was getting a lot of negative attention. I’m a woman that fully supports freedom in creative expression, and I am appalled that you are being shamed. I have people in my life that I disagree with very strongly, on many different issues, yet I would lay my life down for those same people. I hope you never feel that you have to apologize for using your voice. I hate cancel culture, the culture that supports blaming others for our own triggers. I often wonder when we, as a nation—specifically, will come to understand that silencing individuals does nothing to change what’s in those individuals hearts and minds. I believe we are going to have to start listening better, with the pointer finger put away, if we are to ever to make any strides in equality. Thank you, again.
A little confused how the comments here relate to cancel culture at all. Are people not allowed to disagree with the ideas that he expressed? He knew exactly what he was going for with his tone, which may not actually be how he normally expresses himself or is exactly it. The world will never know! They only have what’s in front of them, which is this perhaps enhanced satirical perspective on some frustration the author may be and/or people he may know are feeling. It’s getting exactly the kind of reaction that it was intending to get.
Also, there’s nothing vulnerable about an editorial such as this one lol. This article is entertainment and it’s doing it’s job perfectly. There are much better candidates for your apologist comment.
haha – A typical response from a “woke” snowflake. You’re Fro, Yo.
Ewww…wat did I just read? Does Kevin know that theres a Pandemic going on and that meeting up with people is an act of great trust right now? You really need sex and don’t intend on a relationship and have resorted to making fun of local women with ur voice in a local news paper ? Hire a sex worker. What ur lookin for is transactional and non committal. Hire a sex worker and pay her well. Problem solved. Now…why would mtn xpress think this article is a cute idea during this time or ever? Oh white male privilege yea thats right. He think he’s funny cuz by complaining of the female gender not tending to his needs during a pandemic where one meeting can mean death in the family. Are we in some combination of the 1950s and 1920s now? Wah?
So, I see why you don’t have a girlfriend. Maybe it’s changed here in the last 15 years? Wait, I’ve lived here for 20, been coming up here for 25, and no, the way to treat women hasn’t changed. Treating them as equal human beings who deserve the same respect that you expect yourself is all that is required to meet someone nice.
Is it disrespectful to want to have sex? I think it’s disrespectful to assume that women don’t want to have sex. Maybe 25 years ago it was OK to judge people for wanting to satisfy a basic need but I don’t think people think like that anymore. Well…I guess you do.
I would have hoped that the negative responses to your article and your not being able to meet a nice woman would prompt some introspection on your part, but that is obviously not happening. Believe me, the pandemic isn’t the reason that you don’t have a girlfriend or a sex life. You don’t seem to think that you bear any of the responsibility for your situation. You deflect and belittle instead of at least attempting to look at yourself. If you want to meet someone, try being less selfish and immature, and try thinking before you speak. Courtesy helps, too.
What about this article is selfish? My need for human touch? My desire for a lover? The only thing you know about me is a HUMOR article DRENCHED in sarcasm. I know it’s fun to throw out hate and intolerance, but maybe show some restraint, especially when you are hiding behind an anonymous username and a computer screen.
Let’s be nice to each other during these trying times! There are so many of us not getting laid right now, ya know, tensions are high! Thoughts and prayers…
You did a wonderful job proving my point.
a) nothing funny about any of the above drivel
b) sarcasm? are you familiar with sarcasm? weak as shit on the sarcasm.
c) the thing we’re missing in this town is more self-indulgent bros from woke places like Brooklyn to comment on anything at all.
d) running low on material, Mountain X?
it isn’t funny, my guy, and it won’t help your case with the Beckys here.
pick up harmonica or something.
You’re a joke and famous on reddit now. People really dislike you for good reason. Sex is not a basic need or a right. You are free to pleasure yourself. You are not welcome to anyone’s body simply because you have that desire. Desire and need are two very different things.
I’ll just give you a tip, I’ve lived here for 20 years and the women here are looking for men who do have a “third eye” lol
Also in all honesty most women spend a lot of energy trying to avoid men who just want sex. And we do all know each other and share stories!
I went on one date with this guy and didn’t sleep with him and he never called me again lol. MountainX I can’t believe you gave the male patriarchy another platform to spew misogynistic views. This reads like it was written in 2001.
I’m not sure what is wrong with this article other than the fact that I state I am a human man who wants to have sex with women and that is currently hard to do so. Would you be saying the same thing if a woman wrote this piece? And before you say a woman would never write like this, maybe you should consider that you don’t know any women who would write like this. It sounds like you are using hurt from the past and projecting that on me. I’m sorry someone hurt you on a date once. Maybe we could grab a drink and talk about it😜
Please spare me 🙂 Its very clear you can’t find what is wrong with the article since you had the audacity to write it in the first place. Sorry your overly sensitive to the backlash that no one thinks it’s appropriate to whine that women don’t want to casually hook up with you during a global pandemic. Also for what it’s worth Samantha’s don’t blog about their sexual frustrations. Carrie Bradshaws do. All while ignoring that their own toxic traits might be the source of their dating issues.
I’m sensitive to is people who hate on sex and sarcasm. You seem to be afraid of both. Anyway, I guess the date is cancelled. The most toxic thing about me is my love of Brittany Spears and my dog’s farts.
I love sex and sarcasm. You’re doing it wrong 💅🏻
Now that’s funny, lucy.
I’ve had no problem with finding people who are interested so maybe it’s just a you thing.
For me it was the “butterface” comment. Pretty lame, dude. Also why would anyone in Asheville care about YOUR dating difficulties? This article was basically completely pointless and self-serving and that in itself is unattractive af.
Also maybe we just didn’t get along? maybe I wasn’t feeling it? Maybe I thought you weren’t feeling it? I do apologize for not letting you know I wasn’t interested in a second date. That wasn’t very nice of me, and I’m sorry.
Yeah, it couldn’t *possibly* have been due to your personality… (◔_◔)
Incidentally, 2001 was a more sensible time. Maybe not as much as 1991, but certainly better than today.
So you think calling women butterfaces is going to get you laid? No wonder you have no friends. Just because the apps aren’t working for you doesn’t mean you should use our local news source as a pathetic call to get yourself laid, all while insulting women and those who take the pandemic seriously.
I don’t find this article very insulting but I do find your response to it pretty mean. Thanks!
If your entire existence isn’t satire, I don’t get it. Have we considered that he’s just gone full Borat?!
There’s an example of actual humor, Kevin.
Really, Mountain Xpress? You deemed this content worthy of publication? In the year 2021, in the midst of a global pandemic, as America grapples with a racial reckoning like never before seen, and following an attempted coup last week, we really need to give another white man a platform to spew nonsense from?
The overbearing sense of entitlement oozing from every word aside, the author’s complete lack of disregard for the public health concerns surrounding a casual lay and clear disrespect for women are extremely problematic. “Butter faces getting away with murder”? Really? But of course, it’s the women’s fault that you can’t get laid, not your misogyny, lack of empathy or barely contained chauvinism.
I find nothing humorous about this piece, besides how laughably blind the author is to his own privilege.
What is so wrong with being white and horny? I am fully aware of my privilege but it doesn’t mean I like being celibate during a pandemic. I think people of all color can agree that sex feels good.
If you come out of this on the other end and the worst thing that happened to you was you didn’t get laid, then I think you can count yourself extremely lucky. Based on your response to the other comments posted, you pretty clearly don’t understand the privilege that you have. Being white and horny is not the issue at hand, the issue is that you think you are a victim, you are not receptive to constructive criticism and on top of all that, you believe that your mediocre white male perspective deserves defending.
Read the room bro; sit with the discomfort that you feel and maybe try to appreciate the perspective that Asheville is very graciously providing to you.
I don’t think five people obsessed with commenting on a Humour piece constitutes the entire town of Asheville but I appreciate the read.
Nah it’s all of us
It’s not just 5 people, bro. You have very publicly humiliated yourself. Good luck dating within the manosphere
Then you should check out WAX which consists of about 30k people because there are around 250 comments from a post of your article agreeing about what a privileged chauvinist douche you sound like from this article… so asheville has spoken. You know so many people are out of a job, or putting their health & safety at risk to work right now (like you think that bartender wants to be putting themselves at risk and have to watch you trying to get laid), or sick, or have lost a loved one, or maybe are worrying about systemic racism, the state of our country, terrorism, whether they can even see their family and friends and your over here with your microaggressions whining how you cant get laid, complaining about how women are deceiving you when they wear a mask because you cant properly assess their hotness with a mask on. Your priviledge reeks. You dont get that you’re the guy in every girls DMs gaslighting or getting angry when she doesnt want to meet up or sleep with you… like she owes you something.
Spot on, Liz!
As someone who knows Kevin a few thoughts….(1) I think he is pointing out the obvious – it’s hard to date in the time of Covid, particularly in the organic ways that people prefer (this applies to Ashville, NYC, Timbuktu – or wherever else you are), (2) Both men and women (I know shocking!) alike are still looking for casual relationships and hook-ups, where both consenting adults respect one another in that endeavor – even in the time of a pandemic!, (3) Kevin is genuinely a good guy who is kind, respectful, funny (which seems to have been lost on most of the readers), and probably most pertinent to this article, good in bed….
Good luck out there to all of you! If dating in the time of Covid isn’t funny, I don’t know what is…lighten up people!
I wonder if this comment was written by the author of the article in a pathetic attempt to deflect some of the criticism he is receiving.
The sentence ‘ Kevin is genuinely a good guy who is kind, respectful, funny (which seems to have been lost on most of the readers), and probably most pertinent to this article, good in bed’ is particularly telling
I can 100% promise you I did not write that and I don’t even know who that is but obviously they can get a joke while you cannot which is probably why I had sex with them.
You stated the following
‘I just moved back to North Carolina after a 15-year hiatus’
‘it doesn’t mean I like being celibate during a pandemic’
‘I state I am a human man who wants to have sex with women and that is currently hard to do so’
‘ I don’t even know who that is but obviously they can get a joke while you cannot which is probably why I had sex with them.’
Just moved here, being celibate during the pandemic, wants to have sex with women which is currently hard for you to do, yet you claim the above comment was written by someone you did have sex with and you can’t remember who they are. There are some inconsistencies in your story. Creepy dude, really creepy
I never said I haven’t had sex in my entire life. I’ve actually had a lot, and it’s been fun. Is not possible this is someone from before I moved to AVL? Hm? And I can’t remember them because they are using a USERNAME, which, unless your name is a series of vowels, is exactly what you are doing. I know it’s fun to post mean stuff, but now you just sound silly.
And again with the sex shaming. Apparently even having a sexual history is now creepy. I am so, so sorry you are so sexually repressed, but I do hope one day a man or woman can help you understand that sex isn’t a bad thing, it’s actually the reason you’re alive! It’s as normal as breathing and anonymously posting hate comments on a humor piece.
I absolutely believe that he wrote this comment. It follows the same patterns of speech as the article.
Signed- a professional linguist.
I appreciate the support and I appreciate the sex!
No one is sex shaming you….none of us care about your sexual habits, how many partners you have, etc., and no one has said anything about that, except as pertains to a very communicable disease The problem many of the commenters on your article have is your attitude towards the women that you want to have sex with. Please google the definition of sex shaming before you accuse others of it.
No one has been ‘hating’ or ‘intolerant’ towards you. The comments have been honest and well worth you thinking about. I refer you back to my earlier comment of deflecting and belittling.
No one has been racist towards you.
So the comment from your friend “Penelope Jane’ was from someone that you knew from before you moved to Asheville? And they just happened to look on the website of a small local paper on the week that someone they knew had an article in there? And didn’t leave a username that would be recognizable to you? Again, I think you wrote that yourself in an attempt to deflect the criticism you are facing over your article.
Using a certain username doesn’t validate or invalidate anything that someone says.
You can follow me on Instagram at @thekevindaniel where I posted a link to this piece of SATIRE which many people outside of Asheville have read including some people I have had sex with. That’s your explanation so please stop going down that rabbit hole.
I think hiding behind a username is a pretty easy way to spout some hate without consequence. My name is Kevin Daniel Miller. What’s yours? Why would I take advice from someone who can’t even be honest about who they are? This is oldest game in the book for internet trolls like you. Instead of spending time blasting an obvious SATIRE piece with negativity, why don’t you ask yourself why this bothers you so much and why you have spent half your Sunday arguing with a stranger…If you want a date, just ask, or message me on Insta ☺️
What are you satirizing? What are you being “sarcastic” about? I’ve seen you use both those words and I don’t particularly think you understand what either of them mean. Unless the satire is “pretending to be a whiney shitty white man who misses the good old days of face to face misogynistic interactions”.
Cool cool cool, just what we need, another entitled white male spewing misogynism from his undeserved soapbox. Thanks for nada!
Again not sure why being white is such a bad thing when I am writing about how I am lonely during a pandemic. I am sure that people of all races like to get down and do the dirty but I guess being straight, white, and male means I’m not allowed to talk about it. To be honest the amount of racism against me being a white person in this article is pretty shocking. It is a humor piece about how hard it is to get laid it during the pandemic. You may see that I actually apologize for being a straight white person because I knew that that is exactly where people would go. And again that is sarcasm.
Did you actually just complain about people being racist towards you as a white male?
Actually he did, several times. …he also claimed he was being sex shamed, and was a victim of hating and intolerance, if you will read back thru his comments, lol. I rarely participate in social media arguments, but I couldn’t resist with this guy. Oh yeah, and I’m an Internet troll for calling him out on it, lol.
Yes, yes he did. True to form.
Damn that’s a lot of words to say you can’t get laid
OK see now this is funny! 😆
This article is so sad… Sad these females had to waste one of their evenings or should I say 3 o’clock match 7 o’clock dinner and 10 o’clock hookup with you. Please save us all and move back to Brooklyn. Also if you have something to say about southerners we all aren’t very keen to “Brooklyn people” moving down here and driving up our rents and wasting our time. Ewwwww gross you seem pretty upset that no one wants to have sex with you.
I appreciate the southern hospitality but I think I’ll stay a little bit longer😛Also, I’m from North Carolina.
Unfortunately we live in a time where freedom of speech gets promoted but as soon as anyone says something they don’t agree with, cancel culture swoops in and tries to do their thing.
I find it strange how we live in a time where most people stand against any form of religion yet live ‘holier than thou’ lives. In other words don’t take people to seriously, brother, speak your mind. Because no one on this planet has the right to judge (well accept actual judges who bear the title.)
What do you think cancel culture is exactly? It sounds like you think it is people disagreeing fervently with someone’s expressed ideas and forming an opinion about that person based on how they have expressed said ideas. That sounds more like the cycle of freedom of speech to me. One giveth an idea and the other taketh or reject(eth?). People are only doing that and that is what was intended. So, what is cancel culture to you?
Also, saying no one has the right to judge is a bit ‘holier than thou’ if, for instance, you yourself discriminate in any way regarding interpersonal interactions. I assume that you’re not, for example, bringing your local pedophile to a children’s Easter egg hunt? Do you just accept every behavior from everyone? If yes, then I guess I can’t judge you for pretending that judging isn’t a natural and often useful cognitive function.
No one on the planet has a right to judge? I should think that’s the one right everyone on the planet has. Some of us even make it a duty.
As a straight white man who has had a *WORSE* love life than this clown I would like to apologize. Dude. I have lived here *FOR FIVE YEARS* and haven’t had luck in getting a girlfriend and you don’t see me whining like a little *NSFW TERM HERE* when people are dying alone in a pandemic. Be *THANKFUL* you are able to find a place to rent for you and your dogs and are not struggling with unemployment, being forced onto the street, or being intubated in a COVID ward. I’d like to say you need to learn some perspective, and get a life, but you’re probably just doing this to piss people off. This is why we need worker-owned and operated media so publications like MountainX don’t need to publish this neckbeard garbage in order to stay afloat. We’ve reached peak Karen and god bless our service workers for putting up with garbage like this just to earn a paycheck.
Dude if you need a wing man just ask!
*You*? A wing man? LMAO. Don’t make me laugh. Your attitude is immediately repulsive to any woman, or to any *person* for that matter, for about 300 ft around you. This may work for you on 4Chan or Parler but here in real life people won’t have anything to do with you sparky. The only reason you’re even being featured here is because MountainX is apparently fishing for clicks. You’re a quirk in the media landscape, not someone to take advice from. Pathetic.
If we are fishing for clicks that maybe you’re falling right into the trap?
Truly a breath of fresh air to see an intelligent comment.
The article is such an insult to thinking people.
Nice that not all responders to this tripe agree with its aims
Respect needs to be the origin of all relationships or just continue allowing ones brain to live in the south forty forever.
Repulsive. Mountain Xpress continues to search for the bottom.
I’ve always considered myself a bit of a bottom, so thank you!
Ok two can play this game. Click the following vid. No seriously it has *great* dating advice: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
Wait who gave you access to my bar mitzvah tape?
DAMN! Well done.
I just got Rick rolled on mountain x comment section.. WOW!
Kevin are you free tonight?
FreeBird, you should probably wear a HAZMAT suit and have him bathe in hand sanitizer………from his article and comments, it sounds like he is a walking petri dish.
Lucky for me I always have the condom on, just in case.
I think I’ll be having a lot of free nights in the future…
Do you want to get laid here sometime and have friends? Let go of the anger, arrogance and attitude. We are a community here and care about each other. Start looking at yourself, start looking at what you can do for your community, see how you can use your gifts to help others. Be part of the solution here instead of part of the problem. The Tourist Development Authority has raped our community for the sake of tax revenue for the Republican General Assembly and drawn in tourists and people from out of state to open up businesses to take the money of said tourists while community members don’t get paid a living wage. I’ll assume you came here to participate in our vibrant music and artist scene. Those that are part of the community give back. Others are parasites that only take. You have a choice. Print some honest comments about how you feel about others. Contribute your gifts toward others that are about to be evicted. I say this in all honesty.
As a rape survivor, I am disgusted by your use of the word to describe anything other than the vile, barbaric crime against a woman that it is. You should be ashamed of yourself!!!!
you are absolutely correct and you have my apology. I should not have stated my objection in such a way as to minimize what so many people have gone thru as a violent act. Please know that I am sorry for saying what I did in that manner
you mean “person”, not “woman” .. dudes get raped to you know 🤷♂️
As evidenced above in the comments ad nauseum, your article is pretty tone deaf for 2021, which is odd considering you’re a musician… ba-dum, tss! Notwithstanding, fear not young hornball – a new roaring 20’s will be upon us soon, one not unlike 1920’s..
Wait till you see the sidebar on the perils of respirator smooching. Hi-larious.
Next month’s article, no spoilers please!
Next month? Really? I thought by then they’d have you doing parodies of the obits.
AHAHAHAHAHA, This guy is the front runner for Best of WNC for COMEDY. Not for the article but for this comment section. And don’t worry, bud. I saw that you have actually have lots of sex. Very Funny.
Damn, my sex tape made it to Asheville, huh?
I have to be completely honest, it being the humor issue, I thought Kevin Miller was a made up person and the whole “I’m a musician from NY that just moved down here and wow how come no one in AVL will f**k me in the middle of a pandemic” WAS THE JOKE. The picture, the way it was written, it was just too perfect. But now that I know Kevin Miller is a real person and that the “jokes” were his own…damn man. I’m sure that you probably do get laid but you look exactly like what mainstream ad marketing thought Asheville “hipsters” looked like in 2010 and I don’t think Asheville has really ever been that town, and I’ve lived here my whole life. Probably no wonder you had better look in Brooklyn or wherever, you seem like the embodiment of entitled faux hip folkster. I’m JS.
Ah yes, the hate on the “hipster” continues.
Also, sex is as essential for emotional health as meditation and breathing. Also I think it’s been a while since you’ve been to Brooklyn…
The fact you think that’s a bad thing that I haven’t been to Brooklyn in a while says all I need to know man. How am I wrong though. You literally look like the dollar brand version of The Lumineers singer, albeit more bloated and somehow more annoying.
We matched, and then I unmatched you and I’m glad, because your writing is frankly terrible, unfunny, uninsightful. But worse, your responses to these comments. Dear god. Read a fucking book. Reverse racism? Dude. And the photo that goes with this piece? You know, the real shame is the publishers who paid for this awful shit. Shame. Shame. Shame.
Shame, I could use a real power bottom in my life.
I guess because I’m white and male I should just be censored huh?
You should be censored because your writing isn’t very good.
The jokes just keep on coming. We all feel very sad for the poor white man. You shouldn’t be “censored”, but you certainly never should have been published as a humorist/satirist/comedian/interesting perspective. lol
Look, in all seriousness, I am a liberal, Jewish man who wrote a humor piece, something Jewish people have a long history of doing. Just because I am white and wrote an article does not mean that I don’t recognize my privilege. In fact, I state it at the beginning of the piece. “To channel Sacha Baron Cohen, I am a straight, cisgender, white male, and for that, I apologize. I acknowledge my dating life will be very different than many in the community due to my race, sexual preference and gender. ” If I was writing about how hard it is as a WHITE man to get laid, maybe these comments would be justified. But, cancel culture being what it is, going after my status and race is the easiest way to take me down. I am not a white supremacist, alt right conservative, or anything of the sort. I am a man with an idea, a keyboard, and the ability to land an article. As a musician, I accept that putting myself out there invites criticism, that’s part of the deal. What I accept is that just because I am white and straight, I’m not allowed to write. Screw that. That’s not what this country is about and as a flaming liberal, I support the right for Mtn X to publish as they see fit.
Another point: I don’t think I should have to go a year-and-a-half without sex because of Covid. Not ONCE in this article do I encourage unsafe behavior. All the actual dates I have gone on have been outside and socially distant from others. No one seemed to hate on “Carrie Bradshaw” for going on the date with me. No one seemed to hate on “powerbottom” for being on a dating app. I stand by my opinion that sex is important and for me, something I don’t want to go a year-and-a-half without. He without sin cast the first stone. I find it hard to believe I’m the only one trying to get laid in Asheville, and I find it hard to believe this piece’s commenters have decided to stay celibate since February. If you’re in a relationship, you have NO IDEA how hard it is to be single and alone during all of this. An article for reference on dating during Covid —> https://www.nytimes.com/2021/01/10/style/coronavirus-sex-hookups-dating.html
Do I battle hate with humor? Of course. Did I and the editors at Mtn X know this article would get the clicks and comments? Of course. Anyway, 7,600 views and counting…Looking forward to more baseless claims of sexism, racism, and generally being a harbinger of death.
You really need to quit being so whiny
I don’t think it’s covid that stopping people from having sex with you, but don’t give up, lots of people have bad taste in men. Also saying you’re not funny or interesting isn’t “cancel culture” . But thanks for giving me a little taste of open mic comedy in Asheville since shows are cancelled.
Still trying to figure out what was “humorous” about your article. If that’s satire and meant to be funny, I never want to laugh again. Good luck finding a date now!
Be nice, people. The man said he wrote a humor piece. Let’s reserve judgment until it comes out.
Good writing is more important than viewership. You would benefit from a workshop. The first rule of workshop being you listen to responses and do not defend or explain your work. Satire that needs to be explained has failed it’s attempt at satire. Good shit comes from authors who approach their writing as a blood-sport. The misogyny and racism is quite obvious. The piece is Peterson-esque. Derivative. But the hate you’ve received is displaced. This should have never been published. Please take some classes before you attempt this sacred art form again.
There it is!
For what it’s worth, I think the article is just trying to poke a little fun at being lonely and looking for love in AVL during a pandemic. I don’t think it needs to be taken so seriously. I do not think Kevin is trying to offend (the article is even titled with “(HUMOR)” at the beginning of it.
I get many people didn’t like his “jokes”, but these comments all seemed to escalate to a whole new place. Everyone has lost sight of the satire here. Kevin really isn’t a bad dude, he’s just making a joke….and maybe those jokes or satire aren’t for everyone. AVL is a great place and I don’t think Kevin is taking away from that. More so, he’s just poking some fun at himself. I feel like that got lost, but that’s just my take.
Gosh! Asheville has not had this much attention. I want to say ever! Thanks goodness for this article and all the lonely trolls out there that Kevin has clearly pointed out by his article. In fact I bet there are more people in his shoes and he just hit the nerve! Anyway cheers from Asheville!
I think this comment was written by the author in an attempt to deflect the negative comments he is receiving. This comment, the author’s comments and article, and the comment by ‘Penelope Jane’ all have the same sentence rhythm and structure.
I am not Kevin, I just am someone who wanted to voice their opinion that’s all. Wasn’t trying to ruffle any feathers.
My apologies….I was referring to another comment and did not mean to imply that your comment was insincere
I’m married, but had I moved here single; I would’ve moved out within a month! Asheville is ugly! U want good looking and plenty to choose from? Move to Charleston!
Come on y’all, I think people are missing the sarcasm here. I’m so happy I’m in a relationship and don’t have to be forced into celibacy during this pandemic!
Here’s some food for thought, def not a new conversation. Perhaps his is a new take that didn’t go over so well as humor haha!
You may want to take these comments to heart & reflect on what they have to say – I don’t think they’re just ‘haters’ & I’d bet the majority are indeed local folk. I also think their feelings represent very well the spirit of Asheville, which is a lot different from places like Tarboro. If you find these responses repugnant and reject their spirit, perhaps you’d have better luck finding matches back home down east? A different world, that is.
Sooooo … gross. Apparently someone missed the whole Waking Life ordeal and thinks that we’ll put up with this blatantly misogynistic bullshit. Mountain X, y’all know better than to provide a platform to this.
To address TheKevinDaniel’s point of “would you say the same if a woman wrote this piece.”
I’m not a woman, but I imagine it might sound something like this.
“Dating is hard during the time of Covid. I used to live in Brooklyn and there I could find like ten dudes to hook up with in a week. But here, it’s like the guys want me to TALK to them, ugh. And I hate that men have to wear pants. It’s like, I’m going to go a date with you and at the end of it find out you have a small penis? No thanks. Back to the whole thing about being on apps and meeting people there. It’s just not like Brooklyn (did I mention I used to live in Brooklyn?) where I KNEW people wanted to get laid. By the way, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that I have a natural desire that many other humans have that needs no further pointing out, but I’ll say it again. I date to get laid. Anyways, I’m looking forward to the days where I can look at a man and judge his self-worth by the sexual pleasure he will give me. Hope he’s a good performer because I hate it when they’re not. I have two dogs!”
Welcome! I just posted on my friends account that Kevin is the new Karen so I hope you can find some humor in that. I realize you just moved here but your article may have hit a nerve since there are some recent events that may explain even more how your humor came off. Cue Waking Life coffee. I get it – clearly you are looking to have sex during the pandemic and are new in town. You shouldn’t have any problems on Tinder. Asheville is full of some pretty amazing, savvy and single women. The savvy may be your problem. Some of them are just bored randomly hooking up with bearded Peter Pans who love their dogs. It is a saturated market. But honestly, if you hang in there and wait patiently in line, I’m sure things will work out. If I see ya around West Asheville, I’ll smirk at ya behind my mask and hope you are coming from a successful outing. But seriously- google waking life coffee and good luck out there. You got this!! (Just don’t publish a follow up article detailing your hookups). Shoot- maybe there will be a new conquest of women that get to brag about hooking up with the “Kevin”. (But probably not)
This article makes me feel like I need a shower. No one in Asheville and owes this man sex. It reads like it’s written by a liberal and encel. No one is punishing him for being straight, or white. This is a ballad too fragile masculinity and white fragility.
You sound like the type of guy who can’t find the clit and the gets mad at the clit like it’s the clits fault you were never good at the picture searches in highlights for kids. Here’s some advice from a lesbian: Go read a book, watch a porn, take up underwater basket weaving, move back to NY, get out the old 5 finger death flute, and maybe don’t ever attempt talking to women again. 🤷🏼♂️
The butterface line… dude. That was legitimately offensive. I’m seriously surprised Mountain X published this at all.
Which was the humorous part?
Here’s the thing: using the term “butterface” lets women everywhere know what a shallow, self-absorbed jerk you must be, regardless of whether this was meant to be humorous satire. Good luck getting laid now that there’s public record of that.
This has to be the author
Do better Mountain Express https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11199-019-01095-z
It is baffling to see the amount of offense taken from this article. His race, gender, and sexual identity are something he, like minorities, cannot change, and he acknowledges the implications of those things in the article. There is nothing here to be offended by. The word humor, by the way, is in the title of the article. I met Kevin once at my old workplace, and he was one of the most entertaining and respectable people I met during my time there. He was a guest on a radio show I was producing. Being a country radio station, there were plenty of bootlickers and bigots that entered the studio, but Kevin was far from that. Hanging out with Kevin and experiencing his talent in person is one of my favorite memories of that job.
If you think the writing is bad or doesn’t quite live up to the “Humor” tag, fine, but there’s no reason to accuse him of things like racism or misogyny.
Which of the 5 Guys You’ll Sleep With before you leave Asheville is this guy?!
The least surprising thing about this whole dumpster fire of an “article” is that he is single.
In what world is this “humor”? How self absorbed do you have to be to think that this is a timely or meaningful or worthwhile thing to write?
You (jokingly?) apologize for your “heterosexual cis-white maleness” but obviously haven’t internalized the idea that you aren’t particularly interesting, important, or funny and only a profoundly misguided and moronic white man would waste their time thinking this was a worthwhile thing to publish.
More appropriate for a facebook wall post or better yet a private journal.
Your refusal to understand how your comments were hurtful in the comments you write is telling of your character. Just checked your Instagram btw— I’ve revoked your privilege of calling people butterfaces.
How many incels are in this comment section? 😂 kevin is obbbbviously not the only one who needs to get laid & CHILL TF OUT but at least he’s honest ab it. Great article- I lawled pretty hard. And for you righteous keyboard warriors… Matthew 7:5 🙏🏽
Yuck, reminder to keep an eye on you around women if you ever end up in my bar. Also that hat isn’t doing you any favors. And MTN Xpress, it seems you think these humor articles by rich entitled transplants with pandemic complaints are cute, but they are incredibly tone deaf and obnoxious to folks that have had their lives and livelihood destroyed by it. Especially a piece like this that is literally complaining about not being able to spread your germs to strangers.
Maybe you should direct your comments to the governor, HE shut down your livelihood, not some guy posting some article. The FACT that 99% of people get over it and the majority of people that would go to a bar are in that group should tell you something, if indeed you were interested in the “science”. It’s about control, nothing more.
I don’t like his hat.
Um, so I think staying alive and well is a bigger priority right now than randomly hooking up with casuals and possibly spreading a disease. Maybe that is why they detest your very public whine-fest. Do you also complain this much when you are asked to wear a condom? Asking for all of my friends.
As someone who also moved here during the pandemic, I can relate to this frustration. I do think it’s first and foremost very important to remain covid conscious at all times but as we’ve hit 10 months into this quarantine and there is a serious need for social and physical connection. Whether that’s sharing a meal or getting intimate and there is a way to do that as safely as possible. Unless you were lucky enough to be paired off before this dire situation, then you’re destined to be in this same position or destined for solitary depression. As a sex positive woman, I don’t see any issue with both parties wanting to have causal sex if thats where you are in your personal life. Trust me, I’ve seen plenty of people and couples on these dating apps looking for the same thing. It’s really hard to meet people in an authentic way right now and of course we should all be grateful to be alive and have a computer to type on but human connection shouldn’t be undervalued. Everything I read on the news is horrifying, I think its appropriate to try to share some comedic relief. If you didn’t think it was funny then okay, move on. Don’t dig at another persons character. This cancel culture is becoming so extreme. It just feels like everyones trying to prove how woke they are.
Funny how when I try to “like” a comment that is different than the woke crowd, I get a “404” the page doesn’t exist message.
That sounds like a you problem
I can’t comment on the dating thing or casual sex, I’m not in those shoes. But I’m sorry to say, your humor article isn’t funny, and I wanted it to be! For laugh-out-loud humor I highly recommend you read Gary Jannetti, a white Jewish male (not straight, doesn’t matter). Then work on you writing. I say that, because you seem like you want to write, if you’re going to get published, make it worth it for us!
Also, there’s way too much awful, horrible sadness surrounding us. I don’t agree that that is all people should write about, or that it’s irresponsible to write a humor feature. It’s ok to try!
This is kind of tone deaf to women’s struggles and fears. You’re upset they don’t want to meet you face to face after *only* talking for a day or two on a dating app? Have you seen they things happen to women who don’t take precautions??? Yeah I’d want to get to know someone a little more than 48 hours before we meet more privately or even to a restaurant. If they seem interested, why not keep talking and idk ~let them~ get to know you? Sounds like you’re shooting yourself in the foot.
Yeah this was a big huge yikes fest to read.
I feel like you’re underestimating the availability of sex toys via online shopping. A woman can get enough non-sexual affection from her friends and family. And for everything else there’s toys and porn!
Why did you leave your ex? Why did you leave NYC? What were you hoping to achieve with the changes?
I don’t think women would bother to have a long chat with you and then bail due to covid concerns. I’m looking for a relationship, which is on my profile. There is a limitless supply of guys who’ve made no effort with their appearance or profile who’d like to have sex with me. There are even presentable ones who wrote something. Again, still wanting sex. If they pretend to want a relationship, we chat for a bit. And then I realise they’re just too thirsty, as you say, and feel entitled to sex on the first, second or third date. I’m not intersted.
MountainX, how much did you pay for this article? Perhaps you could pay some -non cis gendered male- humans to share their experiences. Maybe make a series out of this, allowing for ALL less privilaged humans to expose their dating and connection struggles. And pay them the same or MORE than this boy. Imagine the audience you could reach and connect with.
Literally no one commenting is mad that you want casual hook ups. None of this feedback is sex-negative in any way. The WAY you are seeking sex is atrocious and dehumanizing. One can seek casual sex and hookups in the midst of a pandemic without acting like a Trump about it.
Here’s some practical advice for your quest for sexy times…
1. Chat with people for a week or two before you write them off. People want to more chat time before agreeing to meet up because there’s a pandemic. If you choose not to stick around for a getting-to-know-you period, that’s on you.
2. Don’t compare Asheville to the big Apple in intentionally negative ways. It makes you sound like a total bore. That type of judgmental criticism is an exhausting personality trait, but fortunate, one you can change very easily. Try to focus on the positives of the place you live in instead of the negatives.
3. Never refer to any human being as a “butterface.” You might think the term is funny, but using it immediately places you a category of men that is *extremely* unattractive to women.
4. Embrace the small town vibe. Everyone here knows each other and that’s awesome. Your 3 dates all knew about each other? Kismet. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about! If you date or have sex with friends of your friends, this will happen anyway.
5. Be genuinely nice to people whether or not they have sex with you.
No one here will judge you for being superthirsty, but they will judge you quite harshly for acting like your lack of sex life is anyone’s fault other than your own. It’s not Asheville’s fault or Asheville’s women. It’s you, bro. Hope your change your act and find what you’re looking for.
I gave this article a chance and read the whole thing. It culminated in just coming off as the musings of a mediocre (and dare I say “butterface”) guy who is miffed that we aren’t jumping to sleep with him. He’s voicing what all the other guys like him go around thinking. Harmless and a good laugh.
Have you tried not calling women butterfaces? Beauty may be only skin deep, but ugly goes straight to the bone. Your entitled attitude towards women and sex is far more unattractive than any “butterface” woman could be.
Kyle, bro. Either be interesting or be quiet.
OMG. I am going to have to come back to finish the comments. I don’t know if swear words are censored but this is fucking hilarious and sad at the same time. I was actually thinking recently about how awful it must be to try and meet someone now, like it wasn’t hard enough before. Since I am not single, I did not dwell on it but obviously it is a challenge now. In all honesty, it is just another tragedy of this whole horror show we are living in and is no less horrible than what the children are being subjected to. Just think of all the pandemic babies that are not seeing anyone outside their immediate family without a mask.
But getting back to the article, I’m still laughing. Part of the humor is all of the poor folks who are up in arms about these words and not taking any pity on this young man who needs physical companionship. It is a legitimate need and in no way makes him a bad person. I thought the honesty was a breath of fresh air. Bravo and happy hunting.
I still can’t believe how offended people are by this article! His quirky, weird/trolling mentality just screams West Asheville to me. Haywood Road, specifically. I don’t know what these people are talking about in the comments. And he’s from Brooklyn? LOL You fit in just fine sir! No disrespect intended but I’m just saying…