Asheville police unveil ‘Know Your Prostitute’ program
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ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — In an attempt to assuage the awkwardness of selecting the perfect street courtesan to fulfill the wanton desires of local johns, the Asheville Police Department has unveiled a new page on its website — “Meet Your Prostitute.”
Photos of those charged with prostitution — as well as a demographic study of their solicitors — will be posted on the site, and add high quality adult entertainment to the Asheville Channel Bulletin Board.
“Many citizens are unfamiliar with just how much variety our city features in its sex industry,” said Police Chief Bill Hogan. “All heights, colors, hair styles — go online and do a little research before you waste your entire night shopping for something that is not currently in stock.”
Proponents of the effort say the program will be the equivalent of online dating, but the parties can’t actually contact each other via the Internet. Act quickly, though, and if you see an online profile that interests you, you might be the lucky fella who bails her out of jail just hours after her arrest.
“In this depressed economic climate, anything we can do to boost business is good for the whole community,” said Hogan. “We’re providing them with advertising that money just can’t buy.”
Police finally cracking down on downtown short cuts
Asheville police announced that they will be calling the homes of drivers who are seen taking the shortest possible routes between West Asheville and downtown, and whoever picks up the phone will be asked if they know where their husband/father/roommate is. “We don’t want to see these areas become gentrified or otherwise bothered by the passing presence of law-abiding citizens,” said a department spokesman. “It’s a
please see Police State, p.101
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If today is your birthday, then:
More Howls Than You Can Shake a Shiver at and Instructions on How to Watch TV on Your Computer!
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Featuring Dr. Recommended, world-class spamologist A look at the week ahead, using highly accurate astrological SPAM subject lines.
Aquarius
You need a better degree.
Pisces
Must have medical goods. Obtain what you need.
Aries
Stop working for the man.
Scorpio
Cleanse your colon. Be companion.
Sagittarius
Feel the joy of giving beautiful things!
Taurus
It’s only fun and winning.
Virgo
Experience life without worries.
Leo
Everything should be OK.
Capricorn
Get yourself a college girl. Erase your credit card debt.
Cancer
Inspire someone today.
Libra
Start earning the salary you deserve. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Gemini
Never invited to the after-party? Hey, good news today!
Pack Square protest brings African regime to its knees
7-foot-7 UNCA center Kenny George averaging 10 teabags per game
Political experts believe McCain’s best chance of winning general election is to get captured by Iraqi insurgents
Community Events & Workshops
Citizen’s Awareness Asheville
Citizen’s Awareness Asheville meets on Mondays and mails postcards to the homes of police officers who have been seen loitering in low-crime areas while on the clock.
Social & Shared Interest Groups
Association of Lesbian Professionals
Why waste precious time fumbling around in the dark with a rookie when a professional lesbian can show you the ropes? Mondays.
Concerned Bikers Association
The Concerned Bikers Association has lost 44 straight street-fights with numerous unconcerned bikers associations such as the Hells Angels, the Mongols and the Pagans. Sympathetic beginners welcome. Mondays.
Society of American Magicians
Anyone need a hanky? Seriously, you need a hanky, you let me know. No need to even ask, whenever you’re ready for it, this little tiny hanky will be in my vest pocket waiting for you to give it a pull. Monday.
Society of Women Engineers
Empowers women to advance themselves in the field of locomotive conduction. Mondays by the tracks. Blue-stripey overalls provided.
Spirituality
Bear Clan Rainbow Medicine Lodge
Is it a Native American thing? LGBT? White power? Is it a medical clinic or a veterinarian’s office? You’ll have to show up to find out. Old Fort. Mondays.
Buddhist Hermitage
Come learn more about our lifestyle as LaZoom Tours shuttles us back and forth between a small dark cave and a hollowed-out tree trunk. Alcohol permitted on bus, but no talking please.
Channelings Study Group
Come join us as we sit around in silence until a member of the group starts speaking in a strange voice that couldn’t possibly be their own. Mondays. Library basement.
Jaipal Manmahan Sibal
This group meets to discuss and study the daily sayings of Jaipal Manmahan Sibal, this cool Indian roofer we know. This week: “Another Day, Another Dollar.” Next week: “Just Rockin’ n Rollin’, man.”
WNCAtheists
Meets Mondays @ Books-A-Million in the “Religion” section, where we scoff at customers. When you see one reach for the KJV, you’re going to be rolling in the aisles. Love offerings accepted.
Volunteering
Helmets for Vietnam
It’s our way of saying, “Sorry about that one decade when we shot so many of you in the head.”
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