Letter: A message from the heavens about Asheville

Graphic by Lori Deaton

Most religions put him into the “hands-off” model of leadership, but the week of Aug. 15, God said, in essence, “Enough is enough.” After all the traffic, tourism and trouble visitors to Western North Carolina have caused, the Almighty decided to open the heavens and flood all the routes into and out of the city of Asheville, the region’s biggest draw.

Roads washed out, bridges collapsed and landslides blocked primary routes. Residents and tourists alike were told to stay home. What a refreshing change. The Lord usually works in mysterious ways, but this time, he was fairly straightforward with the edict: “Stay out of Asheville!”

After the equivalent of 40 days and nights of rain over the course of a week, people better start understanding his plan. If his message doesn’t get through to the unclean, the unwashed and the other visitors to our great City on the Mount, expect a ginormous sinkhole to open in the Asheville Airport’s runway.

One way or another, the Great Being in the Sky will persuade people, mostly Floridians, that Asheville isn’t the haven they once expected. Hurricanes can reach here. Tornadoes aren’t strangers. Humidity levels are unbearable. Listen to God: Stay home.

— Mark H. Bloom


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6 thoughts on “Letter: A message from the heavens about Asheville

  1. Debra A Deitering

    It’s what everyone who was afraid of COVID and/or morbidities should have done in the first place: Stay home. Take care of yourself. Just stay home.

  2. indy499

    Only skimmed this for humor. Did catch the “humidity levels are unbearable”. You obviously have no idea what you are talking about.

  3. Stackman

    God hates them there Floridians! Smite us, oh Mighty Smiter! Seriously—with Afghanistan, Covid, cancer, violence in our cities, homelessness—-I doubt very much that the Almighty has Asheville tourism on his priority list.

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