I wish my election results as a local candidate were more consistent (in addition to better), because I would like to be able to figure out where my friends are. I remember that the first time I ran, I did best in Kenilworth, near the hospital; then later, as Wenoca turned actively hostile because contraception is in budget competition with their pet boondoggles, I actually won Newfound Road, then did best near Sweeten Creek, and this time in southwest Buncombe, followed by my own neighbors in Big Sandy.
But as I work on my ’68, noncatalyst school bus, so I can make my vote mobile like Hillary to Chappaqua to retire among allies, I still don’t know where to go, even locally, to say nothing of globally, especially since contraception funding has yet to reduce rental demand in places like Chappaqua or even Provincetown, Kenilworth or Firhall, Scotland, to say nothing of school bus restrictions.
So, the main personal purpose of my candidacy, to tell myself and the world where my friends are, doesn’t really seem to be panning out. I also wonder if the Air Force tracks precinct results so they will know whom to bomb, though the Munich exurbs were rather dispersed. At least I learned that Antelope, Ore.’s Osho was an overpopulation activist, no thanks to Netflix, and Grafton, N.H., still lacks Wenoca-style boondoggles and is getting warmer; but no anti-natalist homeland yet, even in China.
— Alan Ditmore
Editor’s note: Ditmore came in fourth in November’s election in a race for one of two seats on the Buncombe County Soil and Water Conservation District Board of Supervisors. Xpress coverage on the former candidate can be found at avl.mx/xmasjbl.