City saves citizens from park benches

It has been a long time coming, but the city has finally taken the bold, much needed action of addressing the problem of those constant scofflaws … the park benches. These benches—and not just the one that was recently busted in front of the library, but all the numerous other benches around downtown—have long been the source of interminable problems. Although warned on numerous occasions by Asheville’s finest and—it’s rumored—by none other than Carl Mumpower, it seems these pesky benches simply will not cease their evil ways.

Now some may say that the recent bust and consequent jailing of the particularly lawless library bench was simply another example of overreaction on the part of the city to the ever colorful Asheville street scene, but I say, no! It had to be done. If you allow one bench to get away with enticing the wrong types to utilize it for even a short sit or, God forbid, actual lounging—well, it doesn’t take much imagination to see where that could eventually lead. Our fine town could be overrun with weak-willed citizens falling prey to these vile and churlish contraptions.

So be alert as you stroll around downtown. Give these benches a wide berth, and never allow young children to sit on one. Do not attempt to interject yourself into any altercation caused by a bench, as it may cause the bench to inflict a painful bite. Always promptly notify the proper authorities of any anti-social behavior that you may observe a bench or group of benches participating in. It’s your downtown, so be aware and be safe!

— Rick Vogel
Mars Hill

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5 thoughts on “City saves citizens from park benches

  1. Judda C

    I am in favor of what the APD did by removing the benches. Too many vagrants there drinking and harrassing folks walking by. And they use the library restroom for all sorts of things. Good move APD.

  2. LOKEL

    Just wait until the “NEW” Pack Square Park opens (if it ever does), there will be all sorts of perceived “vagrants” who move in down there…. what will we do then … re-do the Park again to remove any and all seating, hiding places etc.

    This “problem” is not unique to Asheville, there are more and more folks falling through the many cracks in our social system who will end up homeless in the coming years.

    Pulling up a bench or two will not resolve the plight of the homeless/mentally ill in Asheville.

  3. dave

    Be a good citizen. Drive your car downtown, park at a meter or garage, buy consumer goods, and leave. No Lounging!
    And if you need to use a restroom make sure you have money to purchase something, because the library bathrooms are the only public bathroom in downtown, and therefore used by filthy commoners. Eww!
    Of course, you should have used the bathroom at your home before you left. Make Asheville more like Disneyland!

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