It has been a long time coming, but the city has finally taken the bold, much needed action of addressing the problem of those constant scofflaws … the park benches. These benches—and not just the one that was recently busted in front of the library, but all the numerous other benches around downtown—have long been the source of interminable problems. Although warned on numerous occasions by Asheville’s finest and—it’s rumored—by none other than Carl Mumpower, it seems these pesky benches simply will not cease their evil ways.
Now some may say that the recent bust and consequent jailing of the particularly lawless library bench was simply another example of overreaction on the part of the city to the ever colorful Asheville street scene, but I say, no! It had to be done. If you allow one bench to get away with enticing the wrong types to utilize it for even a short sit or, God forbid, actual lounging—well, it doesn’t take much imagination to see where that could eventually lead. Our fine town could be overrun with weak-willed citizens falling prey to these vile and churlish contraptions.
So be alert as you stroll around downtown. Give these benches a wide berth, and never allow young children to sit on one. Do not attempt to interject yourself into any altercation caused by a bench, as it may cause the bench to inflict a painful bite. Always promptly notify the proper authorities of any anti-social behavior that you may observe a bench or group of benches participating in. It’s your downtown, so be aware and be safe!
— Rick Vogel